For the Love of a Travelin Soldier
by trace619
Summary: Alex Cabot is an ADA in Manhattan, her girlfriend Is Olivia Benson US Army. This is the story of their life both together and apart. It is not a life for the faint of heart but they love each other to much to give up. AU-ish. Takes place season 4
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I'm back sooner than I expected. First off thank you for your kind words on my last story, I loved writing it. I have to give credit to the person ****who requested an Olivia in the army fic, they would rather I not mention their name, but thank you. I hope I do it justice. Disclaimer: I own nothing but my story. All SVU characters belong to 'Lord' Dick Wolf (as Mariska called him). Please let me know what you think, I love reading it and it sometimes causes me to look at my story differently. I hope you enjoy!**

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Chapter 1

Alex Cabot shrugged her coat off as she entered the dark apartment. She shivered as she walked over to turn the heat up. It was a cold, snowy December evening in New York. Alex went to her bedroom to change out of her work clothes. She sighed as she pulled an Army sweatshirt over her head and inhaled the scent. She walked into the living room and stared out the window at the snow as it fell. She pulled the shirt up closer to breathe in the scent of her girlfriend as she wrapped her arms around herself. She wished it was her girlfriend's arms wrapped around her but that wasn't possible, her girlfriend was over six thousand miles away in the middle of the desert. Her girlfriend was Sgt. Olivia Benson, US Army.

Alex went about the rest of her evening reviewing her newest case and writing motions. Her mind continued to wander to thoughts of her soldier. She constantly worried if Olivia was okay, if something happened to her how long before she found out? She fixed a light dinner and curled up on the couch. She immediately regretted turning the television on when she realized it was tuned to one of the news networks. The reporter was covering the latest updates from the war. The only thing keeping her halfway sane at the moment was knowing that Olivia was no longer in Afghanistan; she was now in Kuwait and would soon be returning to the States. It was a week before Christmas and her only wish was for Olivia to be home for the holiday but unfortunately she wouldn't be home until just after the New Year.

Alex had just dozed off to sleep when she heard the tone on her computer signal a video conference. She jumped up and turned the lights on the Christmas tree on and turned her webcam so the camera would be facing her and the tree. She smiled ear to ear when her girlfriend's smiling face appeared on the screen.

"Hey beautiful."

Alex sighed and wiped a few tears "Hey gorgeous." She took a moment to stare at the brunette and allow it to sink in that Olivia was okay. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine Alex."

"You know the drill." Alex said with a slight grin.

Olivia laughed as she stood and twirled allowing Alex to see that she was indeed okay. She took an extra moment when she turned her back to the screen allowing Alex to take in the view. She laughed as she sat back down and noticed the slight blush on the blonde's face "See I'm fine."

Alex grinned almost predatorily "That you are Sergeant that you are." She took a deep breath to calm down before speaking "So how are you?"

"I'm good. I miss you though." she said with a sad smile. She loved Alex more than anything in the world and couldn't wait to be back home and hold the blonde in her arms. It was times like this that made her wish she'd never joined the Army. Being away from the blonde chipped away at her heart and soul a little more every day, but little moments like this would slowly repair the damage.

"I miss you more." Alex said as she felt the pain in her heart at not being able to reach out and hold the brunette.

"Not possible counselor." Olivia smiled the smile that Alex knew was reserved only for her.

They spent the rest of their time together Olivia asking about everything going on at home and Alex asking about everything Olivia was doing. Olivia loved the updates from home but she was always careful and guarded when it came to telling her girlfriend everything that went on in her part of the world. She knew Alex worried constantly about her and she didn't want to add to the worry.

Alex noticed the background seemed to be different than it usually was when she and Olivia were able to see each other "Liv, have you moved locations?"

"No, why?" Olivia looked confused.

"The room you're in looks different."

Alex was slowly beginning to panic and Olivia could see it "Alex sweetheart, I'm fine. The conference room I usually use was a little crowded so I came in here. Don't worry everything is okay."

"Okay."

"I love the tree."

"Thanks. I just wish you could've been here to help decorate." She tipped the camera to show Olivia the gifts underneath. "And your gifts are wrapped and waiting for you to come home and open them." She grinned mischievously as she leaned in closer and whispered "I especially can't wait for you to come home and unwrap me."

Olivia shivered at the implication "Trust me counselor I can't wait either." It had been eight months since she had been able to touch Alex and she was sure if she wasn't able to hold her soon she was going to explode. Olivia noticed her time was almost up. She looked back to her girlfriend with a sad expression.

"Times almost up?" Alex asked sadly.

"Afraid so." They stared at one another for a second, trying to hold onto the moment for as long as possible. Olivia knew she would be home soon but it wasn't soon enough. She swallowed the lump in her throat willing herself not to cry, at least not in front of Alex. She would cry later in private.

Alex quickly wiped her eyes, she missed her girlfriend terribly but she didn't want Olivia to see her cry. Olivia had enough to worry about she didn't need to be worrying about her too. "Are you sure you won't let me fly down and meet you when you get back to base?"

Olivia smiled; she loved the fact that Alex was willing to do anything for her. "No it's okay there's no since in you taking time away from work just to fly down and fly back. Save that time for once I'm home."

"Promise me you'll be careful?" Alex almost pleaded. She asked Olivia the same question every time they talked. She knew Olivia was careful but for her own peace of mind she needed the reassurance.

"I promise Alex. I'm safe where I'm at." Olivia took a deep breath, she knew she was just delaying the inevitable but she couldn't bear to end the call. She kissed her fingertips and placed them against the screen and smiled when Alex did the same. "Until I can kiss you for real." If it wasn't for the fact of embarrassing herself she would lean in and actually kiss the screen.

Alex nodded, unable to find her voice from holding back the tears, no one had ever loved her the way Olivia did. "I can't wait. Be careful, I love you Olivia."

"I will. I'll be home soon. I love you Alex."

Alex let her tears fall freely once the screen clicked off. She stared at it for a minute still able to picture Olivia's face there. After a few minutes she stood and went about her nightly routine and changed into one of Olivia's Yankee's shirts. When she crawled in bed she opened the drawer in the bedside table and pulled out one of the envelopes. She kept every letter Olivia wrote her in a drawer and pulled one out at random every night to read before she fell asleep. Once done she picked up the picture frame that held a picture of she and Olivia; it had been taken last Easter at Alex's Mother's house, both were smiling at the camera as Olivia stood behind Alex with her arms wrapped tightly around her. She rolled over and pulled Olivia's pillow to her. Alex sprayed it every so often with Olivia's perfume, between the cases she tried and worrying about the brunette she didn't sleep much but holding Olivia's pillow while inhaling her perfume seemed to relax her.

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The DA's office was bustling with people trying to finish up and head out, the only ones who didn't seem to be in a hurry were those who had no plans or were preparing for arraignments. Alex had considered offering to cover arraignments over the holiday but decided against it. Her mother had invited her to come and spend Christmas Eve and day with her but Alex declined, she was hoping to have the chance to talk to Olivia on Christmas. She brought herself back to reality and threw herself head first into her paperwork, she wanted everything done when Olivia came home. She had requested, and Liz approved, to take some time off when Olivia came home just after New Year's.

Alex was just returning to her office from the restroom when she had a strange feeling. She looked up and had to grab the wall to keep from falling over. There walking toward her was Olivia. Alex stood there for a minute unsure if this was real or if she was dreaming, she silently prayed this was real.

Olivia smiled brightly at the look on the blonde's face. She could tell Alex was on the verge of tears, she had to take a deep breath to keep from crying herself. Olivia began walking toward Alex and couldn't help but laugh when Alex began running toward her. Alex didn't care how many of her coworkers were watching as she leaped into her soldier's arms and held on for dear life. She buried her face in her girlfriend's neck and inhaled the scent that never failed to calm her. Olivia wrapped her arms tight around the blonde and held her close, it was the best feeling she'd had in months. Alex pulled back and looked at Olivia before leaning in and pressing their lips together. She whimpered when she heard Olivia moan into the kiss, both were crying and could taste one another's tears.

Alex reluctantly unwrapped her legs from Olivia's waist and slid down her body, she grinned at the look on Olivia's face. She placed another quick kiss to Olivia's lips "What are you doing here?"

Olivia noticed the looks they were receiving, she knew several of Alex's coworkers knew about their relationship but if there was ever any doubt they had just cleared it up. She turned back to her girlfriend "Gosh Alex I thought you'd be happy to see me."

Alex wrapped her arms around her again as they stepped into her office "Oh trust me I am, I am more than happy to see you. I'm just surprised that's all. You weren't to be home for another week."

"Call it your Christmas surprise." Alex looked confused and Olivia knew what she was about to ask "I know what you're thinking." Alex raised an eyebrow "You're wondering how I made it home when I was oversees less than a week ago." Alex nodded. "Remember last week when we last talked? Well I wasn't in Kuwait like you thought I was. I was actually at Ramstein, that's why the conference room looked different."

"I'm still confused."

Olivia chuckled and kissed Alex on the cheek "I love you. I managed to get my leave started earlier and I wanted to surprise you so I didn't tell you."

"Well this is the best surprise I've ever gotten." Alex rushed around her office gathering her things so they could head home. She was so glad she hadn't changed her mind and offered to cover the holiday. Granted there was always the chance she would get a call from her unit but she was hoping she could at least have a few days with her girlfriend. Alex smiled when Olivia held her coat and helped her into it. When she turned she realized Olivia was still in her combat uniform. She sucked in her breath, she'd never been a fan of camo but she loved seeing Olivia in uniform whether it was her dress blues or her combat uniform. "Did you get off the plane and come straight here?"

"No I took my bags home first but I was so excited to see you that I couldn't take the time to change. I hope its okay."

Alex wrapped her arms around Olivia one more time "It is more than okay. I'm so proud of you and I love people knowing that my girlfriend is a soldier."

Olivia nodded as she picked up Alex's briefcase and took her hand, lacing their fingers together as they headed toward the elevators. She knew there was some staring but she really couldn't care less. She also knew that there were probably some in the DA's office who were not supporters of the war but that didn't matter to her; everyone was entitled to their opinion. She just worried about Alex and how some may treat her because she had a girlfriend in the Army.

They had barely made it through the door when Olivia pushed Alex up against the back of the door and brought their lips together in a bruising kiss. Alex moaned when she felt Olivia's tongue on her lips asking for entrance, which she gladly allowed. Olivia's heart was pounding in her chest as her hands roamed her girlfriend's body. She began placing light kisses down her neck "God I've missed you." she whispered in the blonde's ear.

Alex couldn't help the few tears in her eyes "I've missed you too." As much as she was enjoying what Olivia was doing to her she didn't want their first time in months to be a quickie against the door. "Liv, Olivia?"

"Huh?"

Alex laughed at the dazed expression on her face "As bad as I want this I want to do it right. After all it's been a while."

Olivia groaned and rested her head on Alex's shoulder "It's been eight months, eight long months, but if you want to wait I think I'll live for a few more hours."

While Olivia changed and began unpacking Alex rushed around to fix dinner and was glad she'd made a trip to the grocery store the day before. She quickly threw together one of Olivia's favorite dishes.

"Oh God Alex this tastes great. You know if this lawyer thing doesn't pan out you could always be one of those celebrity chefs."

Alex laughed; this is what she missed, the simple things being able to sit around talking and laughing with her girlfriend. Alex was clearing the table when Olivia reached up and pulled her down into her lap. Alex ran her fingers through Olivia's short hair, it was a little longer than when they first met but Alex loved it the way it was. She slid her hand to the back of Olivia's neck and pulled her to her for a kiss. She smiled when she felt Olivia run her hand up along her hip. She moaned when Olivia placed her hand over her breast and squeezed it lightly. "Bed, now." Alex said when they parted.

Olivia couldn't help the tremble in her hands as they entered their bedroom and began undressing one another; this was the longest they had been apart since they had gotten together. Her breath hitched as she climbed in and settled on top of the blonde. She propped herself up and stared into the blue eyes that had haunted her dreams while she'd been away. 'I love you.' she mouthed out, so overcome with emotion her voice had failed her.

Alex pulled Olivia down to her, wrapping her arms around her and holding her close. "I love you." she whispered, her voice thick with emotion. After a few minutes of holding one another Olivia pulled back and began placing kisses down Alex's neck. Alex took Olivia's face in her hands and pulled her up so they were looking eye to eye "Make love to me Olivia."

In the early morning hours they lay curled up against one another slowly coming down from the last high they were on. Both were still struggling to catch her breath, they had been making love for hours but Alex knew the last round was the most intense orgasm of her life. She rolled over and curled up against her girlfriend and sighed as Olivia wrapped her arms tightly around her. "I love you."

Olivia sighed "I love you too, more than I can ever say."

Alex pressed one last kiss to Olivia's shoulder as she began drifting off "Welcome home baby."


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Sorry for the delay. I had minor surgery this past week and the pain pills seemed to cause writers block. I know this is a long chapter but I just couldn't find a good place to stop. I know things are a little fluffy at the moment but I really want to get into the angsty side of them being apart. As always thank you for reading & I'm glad you enjoyed the first chapter. Let me know what you think. Enjoy! (Warning: should have an M rating.)**

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Chapter 2

Alex walked down the hall of the courthouse; her mind was torn between her case and her girlfriend at home. She would give her right arm to be at home with Olivia but thankfully this case was coming to an end as the jury had reached their verdict. She had desperately tried to get this case finished before the New Year's holiday but it didn't work out in her favor, part of her swore that Langan was dragging his feet on purpose just to keep her in the courtroom. Olivia had been home for just over a week and it had been the best week of the year for Alex. The first couple mornings she had to pinch herself to make sure she wasn't dreaming that the brunette was actually there in bed with her. At the same time it saddened her to think that every day brought them a little closer to the day Olivia's leave would be up and she would be heading back Afghanistan.

As soon as she laid her briefcase on the prosecutions table her mind snapped back to her case. She was nervous about what the jury would say, Trevor had given her a run for her money this time but she was hoping she could get justice for the victim. She turned to face the gallery and talk to the victim who was sitting behind her. Her heart swelled when she saw Olivia sitting in the back of the courtroom. Olivia smiled and gave her a small wave, just knowing Olivia was there made her feel better.

As the word guilty left the jury foreman's mouth Alex breathed a sigh of relief, she thought for sure she was going to lose this one. At the bang of the judge's gavel Alex gathered her things and headed toward the back of the courtroom. Olivia had snuck out and was waiting in the hallway. All Alex wanted was to get to her soldier but she had to deal with the press first.

Olivia leaned against the wall and watched Alex as she answered the reporter's questions. Alex was the picture of style and class and it caused Olivia to wonder many times what she did to deserve her. Alex had never wanted for anything and had a perfect childhood. Olivia was the child of her mother's rape, never knew who her father was and joined the army simply to get away from her mother. How Alex could fall in love with someone like her was beyond Olivia but she was thankful every day for having the blonde in her life. She stood up straight when Alex walked over to her and pulled her in for a hug "I knew you would win. I'm so proud of you."

Alex smiled as she melted into the brunette's embrace "Thank you." She reluctantly pulled back when she noticed Trevor approaching "Trevor." She grinned inwardly when she felt Olivia tighten her grip around her waist.

"Alex." He glanced between her and Olivia. "Congratulations."

They stood staring at one another for a moment "Thank you. Now if you don't mind we have plans." As they walked away she burst out laughing at the look on her girlfriends face.

"What?" Olivia asked as they stepped onto the elevator.

"You, I wish you could've seen the look on your face. You looked like you wanted to punch him."

"I did not." Olivia said as she stood straighter. "I just didn't like the way he was looking at you."

Alex gave her a quick peck on the cheek "You are so cute when you're jealous."

"I'm not jealous I just don't like the way he looks at you. I know he wants you."

Alex slipped her arm around Olivia's waist "Well he might want me but I'm yours and no one else's." she grinned and looked around the elevator before leaning in to whisper in Olivia's ear and ran her hand up till it was lightly grazing the side of Olivia's breast "Besides you have a couple things that I happen to love that he lacks."

Olivia blushed as her eyes darted around to make sure no one was watching them. "That's good to hear counselor."

After dinner Alex was lying on the couch waiting for Olivia to join her to watch a movie. She laughed when Olivia leaned over the arm of the couch and pressed their lips together. She pointed at the coffee table and the several movies laying there "Take your pick, its soldier's choice."

Olivia chuckled as she took Alex's hand in her own and pulled her to her feet "Well if its soldiers choice then I know exactly what I want." She stepped close until their lips were a breath apart "Close your eyes." She barely brushed their lips together before she began walking backwards and pulling Alex along with her "Keep em closed."

Alex laughed "I am I am." When they stopped her breath caught as she felt Olivia brush past her, gently tracing her fingertips along her waist as she stepped behind her. "Liv, what are you doing?" she asked as Olivia placed her hand over her eyes.

"Just a minute." She pulled Alex's hair back and began placing light kisses along her neck, reveling in the sounds coming from her girlfriend. As she continued to kiss Alex's neck she began running one hand under Alex's shirt rubbing light circles along her abdomen. She placed her lips over Alex's ear "Open your eyes."

Alex gasped at the sight in front of her. Their bathroom was bathed in candlelight with two glasses of wine off to the side. Alex turned her head slightly "Liv?"

Olivia turned the blonde in her arms and began to slowly undress her "I've been home for over a week and between the holidays and work we haven't had a chance to really sit back and relax together." once they were undressed Olivia stepped into the tub and sat down before pulling Alex down with her and wrapping her in her arms. "You have no idea how much I've missed this." She sighed.

Alex settled back into her girlfriend's strong embrace "I have a pretty good idea." The sat silently for a while occasionally sipping their wine and enjoying being able to be in one another's arms. Alex had to continuously push the thought from her mind that in a few short weeks she would be sitting here alone.

"I know what you're thinking." Olivia whispered.

"What's that?"

"You're thinking that in a few weeks I'm gonna have to leave." Alex nodded slowly. Olivia took a deep breath, the same thoughts were racing through her mind as well but she refused to allow those thoughts to ruing the moment. "Don't think about that now. Let's just focus on us and make the most of our time together."

It wasn't long before hands were roaming and breathing was becoming heavy. Alex had turned and slid closer, wrapping her legs around the brunette and pressing their bodies as close as possible. She ran her hands along Olivia's stomach and up across her chest, cupping her breasts in her hands "I love these."

"I know you do." Olivia grinned. She leaned back in for another kiss, she finally pulled back gasping for air "We need to get out of here because if I do what I want to do to you I'm going to drown."

Alex groaned and quickly stood and began drying off causing Olivia to laugh. She pulled Olivia from the water and dried her off before pulling her backwards to the bedroom. She paused as she was about to climb into bed and ran back to the bathroom blowing out the candles. Olivia burst out laughing as Alex ran back into the room and jumped into bed. "Can't have the apartment burning down." Alex laughed.

Olivia gently rolled Alex onto her back and settled on top of her, spreading her legs apart and settling between them. It never failed to take her breath away at how beautiful Alex was and how much she loved her, Olivia never knew she could love someone like she loved Alex. "Tonight is all about you." she whispered as she began placing open mouthed kisses down her body.

Alex gasped; to her there wasn't any greater feeling than Olivia's lips on her skin. She managed to prop herself up and groaned at the sight of her girlfriend who was slowly working her way down her abdomen.

Olivia took her time when she reached the small peace sign tattoo on Alex's hip. She couldn't believe that Alex had a tattoo when they were together for the first time, she didn't seem like the tattoo type. Olivia loved it though; just the thought alone of the tattoo turned her on.

Alex groaned as Olivia began tracing the outline of the tattoo with her tongue "God Liv!" she reached down and began running her fingers through Olivia's hair. She felt Olivia getting close to her center but nearly cried when Olivia pulled back and grinned. "Oh fuck!" Alex cried out as she dropped her head back on the pillow as Olivia ran her tongue the length of her center. Olivia grinned as she continued to gently tease the blonde, loving the sounds coming from her. Alex grasped the sheet with one hand while her other tangled in Olivia's short hair. She was getting so close but she knew Olivia was holding her on the edge on purpose. She felt as if she was going to die if she didn't find relief soon. She began putting pressure on the back of the brunette's head urging her on "Liv, baby please!"

"Please what?" Olivia mumbled against her skin causing Alex to cry out from the vibration.

"Please stop teasing me. I'm gonna die." She whined.

"As you wish." Olivia whispered as she wrapped her lips around the straining bundle of nerves and quickly slid two fingers inside, thrusting with everything she had.

A string of expletives left Alex's mouth as her orgasm ripped through her body. She was vaguely aware of Olivia continuing her ministrations and was about to tell her to stop when she felt a second release take over. She saw an explosion of light in front of her eyes before everything went dark.

Olivia slowly brought the blonde down before placing light kisses back up her body. She could tell by the shallow breathing and the way she was laying that she had passed out. She laid close the other woman, allowing her room to catch her breath while whispering how much she loved her. She lay there waiting for a knock on the wall from waking a neighbor but thankfully it never came. It had shocked her the first time they were together as to how loud Alex could be. Once during a trip to the beach they had received a knock on their hotel room door from a neighboring guest who asked them to keep it down. Neither had ever been so embarrassed in their lives.

"What the hell happened?" Alex asked as she slowly came to.

"You passed out." Olivia replied with a cocky grin.

Alex laughed lightly "I've said it before and I'll say it again, damn you're good."

Olivia waggled her eyebrows as she leaned in for a kiss "I know." She was surprised when Alex rolled them so that she was on top. "What are you doing?"

"I'm repaying the favor."

"Alex tonight was all about you, for you."

"I know and this is what I want." She slowly worked her way down the brunette's body taking extra time to lavish attention to her breasts. "I love these." She said in between taking each one in her mouth. "I miss them."

Olivia laughed in between taking deep breaths "Well I'm glad to know they're missed."

"Oh I miss you too." She replied with a grin. By the time she had made her way down between Olivia's legs she could tell it wouldn't take much to finish her off. She raised one of Olivia's strong legs and draped it over her shoulder before blowing her breath across her skin.

"God Alex, I'm so close!" she hated that she was so close and wouldn't be able to drag out her pleasure for very long but that's what being with Alex did to her.

Alex wasted no time in sliding her tongue as far as she could inside her girlfriend, moaning at the taste as well as the sounds it brought from the woman above her. She wrapped her arm around Olivia's waist to hold her down as she began sucking on the little bundle of nerves.

Olivia cried out, to who she wasn't sure as her words seemed to all jumble together. She finally reached down and pulled Alex free, unable to take any more. As Alex rose up to face her Olivia pulled her down for a searing kiss, tongues dueling and teeth nipping. Alex finally rolled off to lay next to her lover when both were finally gasping for air. "That was amazing!" Olivia sighed as she turned to face the blonde.

"Yes it was." They lay there silently before Alex pulled the covers up to ward off the chill that was beginning to creep over them. She sighed when she felt Olivia pull her to her and tangle their legs together. As Alex laid wrapped snuggly in her girlfriend's arms she couldn't help the few tears that escaped.

Olivia was gently running her fingers through Alex's hair when she felt tears on her shoulder. She pulled back enough to look down and see Alex trying to wipe them away. "Alex, sweetie what's wrong? Did I hurt you?" Given her genes and her father's violent past one of Olivia's worst fears was hurting the blonde, especially while making love.

Alex tilted her head slightly "No you didn't hurt me, you could never hurt me Olivia." She sighed as she tried to reign in her emotions "It's just I keep thinking that soon it's just going to be me alone in this bed again. You're going to have to go back and I'll be all alone. I know it sounds selfish on my part to be upset about being here alone when you're going to be in the middle of a war torn country fighting for us. I just can't help it sometimes. I just miss you so much when you're not here."

Olivia held her tighter and took a deep breath to control her emotions as well. She knew how Alex felt about being apart; it killed her a little more every day that they weren't together. It also worried her that she wasn't there to take care of Alex like she should. "Oh Alex." She whispered as she felt more tears hitting her naked shoulder. "I miss you too. I miss you so much when I'm gone. I hate that I'm not here to take care of you like you deserve. This tour will over soon. When I go back I'll be gone for four more months and then I'll be home."

"I know four months isn't that long but it feels like an eternity when you're not here."

"I know, I know."

The next few weeks flew by and Alex found herself dreading even more Olivia having to leave. She was grateful however that Olivia would be home for her birthday. Her birthday was on the twenty third and she didn't have to fly back to her base until the twenty seventh. Alex was torn between throwing a party or just having a quiet dinner or evening in with just the two of them. She finally settled on an evening out with her mother and several of their friends the weekend before Olivia's birthday and then a quiet dinner at home for her actual birthday.

For the party that weekend they went to a bowling alley and had pizza and beer for dinner. Olivia had to laugh at her girlfriend's mother. Caroline Cabot, like her daughter, was a picture of class and society; but just like Alex she was kind, warm and down to earth. Considering her past with her own mother Olivia loved being around the older Cabot, she always treated Olivia like she was her own. "You know, this has to be one of the best birthday parties I've been to in a while. Better than some of the stuffy dinner parties I get invited to all the time." Caroline said as she took a seat next to Olivia.

Olivia laughed "Well I'm having a blast myself. Thank you for coming."

Caroline bumped her shoulder against Olivia's "Olivia I love you like you're my own, of course I would be here."

Olivia grew quiet for a moment "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course you can." Caroline said as she sat her bottle on the table. Olivia looked around before leaning over and whispering something in her ear. Caroline's eyes grew wide before turning and nodding her head and pulling Olivia in for a hug.

"What are you two up to?" Alex asked as she took a seat on her girlfriends lap.

"Just a little heart to heart." Olivia replied.

Alex finished setting the dining room table for dinner while Olivia changed. Alex knew she was going a little over the top for a dinner for just the two of them but she couldn't help it. She sat the flowers on the table and lit the candles before pouring the wine. She stood and ran her hands down her dress smoothing it one last time. She was wearing a blue sleeveless dress that hugged her in just the right places; it was also one of Olivia's favorite dresses for her to wear. She felt her breath catch when Olivia walked into the room. She was wearing a deep purple blouse with black pants "You look beautiful." She whispered as she wrapped her arms around Olivia and placed a sweet kiss to her lips.

"So are you." Olivia pulled back to look at her "I love this dress."

After dinner Alex cleared the table and brought back the birthday cake she'd picked up from a local bakery. She sat a small box on the table "Happy birthday."

Olivia opened the box and pulled out two pictures; one was from Christmas Eve at Alex's mom's house, her mom had snapped the picture while they were kissing under the mistletoe. The other Alex had taken herself; she was sitting in bed wearing nothing but one of Olivia's Army t-shirts and her glasses. Olivia grinned as she looked up causing Alex to blush lightly "I love it."

"I hope you won't get in trouble for it."

"It's not that risqué Alex." After looking at both pictures for a moment Olivia laid them down and slid her chair closer to Alex. "I have something for you too."

"It's your birthday Liv."

"I know but this is a gift for me too." She took a deep breath before standing and kneeling in front of the blonde. Alex gasped and covered her mouth with her hand. She knew what she was seeing she just couldn't believe it. Olivia took her Alex's hand in hers as she began "Alex I love you, and I know I can't offer you everything you deserve. All I can offer you is my heart and I hope that is enough. I know me being gone all the time isn't the best life I can offer you but knowing that I have you here for me, loving and supporting me is what keeps me going. I can't think of a better birthday present than you saying that you will be my wife." By the time she finished both were crying uncontrollably.

Alex took a second to find her voice. She began nodding her head when Olivia looked worried at her lack of response "Yes Olivia yes, I'd love nothing more than to be your wife." She gasped again as Olivia pulled a Tiffany box from her pocket, inside was a stunning one carat solitaire diamond ring. She held her shaking hand out which Olivia took in her trembling hand "Olivia it's perfect."

Olivia kissed Alex's hand just above the ring she'd just placed there before standing and pulling Alex into her arms. After a passionate kiss she pulled back and grinned "You better call your Mom."

"Why?" Suddenly Alex realized why "The other night at the bowling alley; you asked her permission, didn't you?" she began crying all over again when Olivia nodded.

"I know you're not property and it's your decision who you marry but it just felt like the right thing to do."

After a tearful call to her mother Alex shook her head at Olivia "I hope you didn't have any plans for us for tomorrow night because she's planned an engagement party."

"How?"

"After you told her you were going to propose she began planning it because she knew I would say yes. She told the people she invited that it was going to be a get together before you had to ship out again. We can announce our engagement then."

The next evening the party at Caroline Cabot's brownstone was in full swing when her daughter and her fiancé entered. She escorted them from the entryway to the living room where the small gathering of guests was waiting. Alex stepped closer and Olivia wrapped her arm around her waist as Caroline got everyone's attention "I have an announcement to make." She smiled at the couple "My baby girl got engaged last night and I couldn't be happier with her choice of who she's going to spend her life with."

There was a round of hugs from their guests "Hey I should be the guest of honor considering I'm the one who introduced you two." Elliot Stabler said as he hugged both ladies.

"Thank you." they said simultaneously. Even though he was joking Olivia would forever be grateful to her friend for introducing them, although he hadn't planned it.

After an evening of drinks and laughing they stumbled back into the apartment. "I want you so bad right now." Olivia mumbled against Alex's neck.

"What a coincidence, I want you too."

By the time they made it to their bedroom they had left a trail of clothing behind and collapsed naked onto the bed. Olivia glanced over at her bedside table then back to Alex. "However you want." Alex said, knowing what the brunette wanted.

Olivia leaned over and pulled the harness and toy from the bottom drawer and slipped it on. She pulled Alex up for a kiss "I want you on all fours." Alex grinned as she quickly got into position, while she loved being able to look in Olivia's eyes as they made love she had to admit she did love Olivia taking her this way from time to time. Olivia leaned over and began placing light kisses along Alex's spine, she didn't know what it was about her back that she loved so much sometimes she loved to just lay next to her and place kisses along her shoulders and down her spine. She began teasing Alex with the tip of the toy and smiled as Alex groaned. She took a deep breath before sliding in and not stopping till their hips were touching.

Alex moaned as she adjusted to the feeling. She slowly rotated her hips letting Olivia know she was ready. Olivia began slowly thrusting in and out. She was trying to commit every second to memory to hold her over until she would be able to return to her fiancé. She quickly pushed the thought of leaving from her mind so she could enjoy the moment. She slid her arms under Alex and pulled her up until their bodies were pressed together. Alex tilted her head sideways so she could kiss the brunette, she moaned into the kiss when she felt Olivia slide her hands up and squeeze her breasts. "Liv! Oh God Liv, so close! Harder please!"

Olivia gently nipped at Alex's earlobe as she increased the speed and force of her thrusts. She held Alex tight to her as she slid one hand down to her center and began rubbing the little bundle of nerves at a frantic pace. "Oh God, Olivia!" Alex cried out as her legs gave out and collapsed forward onto the bed bringing Olivia with her. Olivia buried her face in Alex's neck as she cried out her own release.

Olivia slowly pulled free and threw the toy to the floor. She was surprised when Alex rolled onto her back and pulled her down on top of her holding her tight. She was always concerned about being too heavy for the lithe blonde but Alex always told her she loved having her laying on her, holding her close. "Are you sure I'm not too heavy?"

As if to make her point Alex wrapped her legs around Olivia's waist to keep her in place. "Don't move. I love the feeling of your body on mine and I want to remember this moment." They lay there breathing, not saying a word. Their souls were already one; it was as if they were trying to melt into one another.

The next morning Alex laid watching Olivia sleep; she had committed to memory every twitch, breath and sound Olivia made while she slept. She reached out and gently brushed Olivia's hair back from her forehead then traced the scar over her right eye. She placed a kiss to it and smiled when she saw Olivia's eyes opening. Watching Olivia wake up was a sight she cherished. "Good morning baby."

"Good morning love." Olivia replied as she pulled Alex down for a kiss. "Why are you awake? I thought for sure after last night we'd both sleep half the day."

Alex chuckled "Normally you'd be right but you leave in two days and I don't want to waste a second of our time together, even if it means just laying here in bed with you."

Two days later they were standing in the airport holding one another close, Alex wearing Olivia's leather jacket and Olivia in uniform. Olivia was running her fingers through Alex's hair trying to calm the blonde, and calm herself at the same time. Alex turned her face into Olivia's neck inhaling her scent as she struggled not to cry. She pulled back and placed a kiss to Olivia's lips before pulling back to look into her eyes. They both had noticed a few people looking at them, some were glares but they chose to ignore them. Others were looks of sympathy and even smiles at the love they obviously held for one another. Alex's mother stood off to the side watching the couple, she wanted to give them their privacy but had come along knowing Alex would need someone to lean on when Olivia left.

Olivia placed her hands on either side of Alex's face and placed a gentle, loving kiss to her lips. She felt Alex wrap her arms around her neck and Olivia slid her hands down to Alex's waist trying to prolong the moment as long as possible. When they parted both had tears in their eyes "It's only a few more months." She whispered.

"One day without you is too long." Alex managed as she tried to wipe her tears.

Olivia caught sight of the time and knew she had to be going. It was taking everything she had to pull herself from her fiancé. She hugged Caroline who had just walked over to her. "Thank you for everything."

Caroline hugged the younger woman "Anything for our Sergeant. Take care of yourself sweetheart."

"I will." she turned to Alex and pulled her tight one last time for a passionate kiss. They were holding on for dear life. Olivia kissed her one last time "I'll call as soon as I land at the base. I love you Alex, never forget that."

"Never. I love you Olivia, I love you more than anything in the world. Please be careful."

"I will. I love you." she was struggling to hold the tears back; she didn't want everyone to see her cry.

Alex called out one more 'I love you' as Olivia turned the corner before collapsing into her mother's waiting arms and dissolving into tears. She hated Olivia had to leave, she hated being alone but at the same time she loved Olivia and she would do anything for the love of her soldier.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thank you for the favs, follows and reviews. The last chapter was not as good as it could've been and I apologize for that. I think this chapter is better, I hope you agree. I always like hearing what you think, it often gives me ideas in what direction the story is going. So let me know what you think. Enjoy!**

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Chapter 3

It had been two months since Olivia's leave had ended, and three weeks since she and Alex had been able to speak. The brunette collapsed onto her bed and ran her hand through her hair. Her unit had spent the last several days escorting convoys with supplies to troops closer to the front lines. Olivia was proud of her work as an MP and even more proud of reaching the rank of sergeant. She looked up when one of her fellow bunk mates walked over and dropped a box on her bed "You got mail Benson."

Olivia's face lit up like a child on Christmas morning, the only thing she loved more than receiving letters and packages from home was actually being able to see Alex and talk to her. She tore the box open and looked inside, like always there was a letter on top with her name in Alex's elegant handwriting. She glanced over the contents of the box before opening the letter. Olivia lay back on the bed placing one arm over her head and trying to imagine Alex lying against her, head resting on her chest as she began reading.

_Dear Olivia,_

_Hey hot stuff! I miss you. I hope this letter finds you safe and well. I'm fine and so is Mom, she sends her love along with some of her famous brownies you love so much. I made the peanut butter cookies and yes there is enough to share. The candy is from Elliot he said he knows how much you and some of the members of your unit like to give it to the kids you encounter. His twins also drew a picture for you._

_I know it's been two months since you left but I try and look on the bright side, you'll be home in two months. Not much has changed here. Work is still the same. You'll be happy to know that I have won all four of my cases I've had since you left, two of them being against Trevor. I know you love that. I wish you were here so I could bounce ideas off of you for my opening and closing statements. I miss hearing you laugh at me when I get so wrapped up in one that I forget I'm at home and not in the courtroom._

_You know what I miss most? I miss hearing your footsteps in the apartment. I miss hearing you sing in the shower, even though you're off key most of the time. I miss feeling your arms around me in the middle of the night, your breath on my neck. I miss waking up and you being the first thing I see and your lips on mine the first thing I feel. I miss you Olivia. _

_I hope you enjoy your care package. I know neither of us is very religious but I pray every day for your safety. I miss you and can't wait for your safe return. I love you Olivia, I'll love you forever and a day._

_All my love,_

_Alex_

Olivia quickly wiped a few stray tears from her face. She hated to cry in front of anyone even though she knew none of them would look down on her for crying over a letter from home. She sat up and reached in the box and pulled out one of the brownies Caroline had sent her. She quickly unwrapped it and took a bite, moaning at the taste. It was no surprise where Alex got her cooking ability.

"Damn Benson you get a dirty letter or something?" Erika Jones asked as she took a seat on her bed next to Olivia's.

Olivia laughed as she reached in her care package and tossed her friend a brownie "No but I did get the best brownies you'll ever have in your life."

"Mmm, these are good. Who made them?"

"My soon to be mother in law." Olivia said with a smile. Erika was her friend and even though the military still had the 'don't ask/don't tell' policy Olivia had shared with her friend that she had a girlfriend. She had been terrified at first because Erika had found out by accident when Olivia accidentally dropped a picture of her and Alex in an embrace. It was obvious from the picture they were lovers and not friends. Erika assured her that her secret was safe with her and it didn't matter who she loved, she was just glad Olivia had someone at home to support her.

Erika's eyes went wide "You popped the question?" Olivia's smile lit up her entire face as she nodded she had. The younger soldier reached over and pat Olivia on the shoulder "Congratulations, I'm so happy for you both. Now if I could just get you in contact with my boyfriend and you could give him some hints." Both ladies laughed as they continued to enjoy their treats.

The next day Olivia was riding in the back of a truck on yet another supply run. She watched out the back of the truck as the landscape passed by. The area they were in was flat but surrounded by mountains, they were making their delivery to one of the more mountainous areas. She couldn't help but think how tragically beautiful the area was. The low lying almost dessert like region with the mountains, some still snowcapped, in the background. It broke her heart every day to see how so many of the people of the region lived, almost as if their world hadn't changed in hundreds if not thousands of years. She was shocked back to reality when she heard the explosion from up ahead. The truck jerked to a halt as the men and women in back jumped out weapons at the ready. Olivia had been in this situation several times since arriving but it was never any less scary. Her focus was always on protecting her fellow soldiers but as she jumped to the ground and cautiously made her way around the side of the truck Alex's face flashed through her mind and she could hear the blonde whisper 'be careful, I love you'.

Late that evening Olivia slowly made her way to the room where the computers were located so she could talk to Alex. The only thing she needed more than to hear Alex's voice was to curl up in the blonde's arms and never leave. The lead truck in the convoy she had been in that day had been hit by a roadside bomb. Luckily Olivia and most of the soldiers were relatively unharmed in the fight after the explosion but they did lose four people in the lead truck as well several seriously injured. It was the first time they had lost any member of their MP unit.

She looked at the time and quickly calculated the time difference it was about noon in New York. It was a Saturday she hoped Alex would be at home. She waited patiently as it dialed up and breathed a sigh of relief when Alex's face appeared on the screen, for the first time since that morning Olivia allowed a few tears to escape. "Hey beautiful."

Alex was smiling until she saw the look on her fiancés face, immediately her smile faltered and her heart sank. "Olivia, baby what's wrong?" Olivia was quiet for a moment "Olivia are you okay?" she noticed the small cut over Olivia's left eye, it looked to be minor but Alex knew that something bad had happened. "Olivia baby talk to me, please." She pleaded.

"We…we uh…we were on another supply run and our convoy was hit by a roadside bomb followed by an ambush." She saw the look of panic on the blonde's face "I'm okay Alex." She saw Alex look at the cut over her eye; she reached up and ran her fingers over it "It's nothing Alex, I promise. Just a minor cut it won't even scar."

Alex tried to smile "You know the drill." Olivia stood and turned allowing Alex to see that she was actually okay but tonight didn't include the usual flirting that went along with it. Alex breathed a sigh of relief to see that physically the brunette was okay but she knew emotionally it was a completely different story. "Is everyone else okay?"

Olivia sighed "No. We lost Collins and West from our unit and Davis and Gardner were specialists with the unit we were accompanying. We also had three wounded from our unit and two other specialists. Carter was one of the guys from our unit who was injured." She said as a stray tear escaped.

Alex couldn't help but cry herself; she was crying from relief that Olivia was okay but she was crying at the loss of life and the fact Olivia was hurting over the loss of her fellow soldiers. "How bad is Carter?" Alex had met Matt Carter once when she flew down to spend some time with Olivia while she was on base. He was a couple years younger than her and Olivia but he and Olivia had become fast friends. Matt was also gay so it was something he and Olivia shared and gave them someone they felt like they could talk to.

"He's hurt pretty bad. He…he saved my life Alex. He saw an incoming grenade and I didn't, he shoved me out of the way. That's how I got the cut I hit my head on the way down."

Alex had every intention of staying strong for Olivia but completely broke down at hearing how close Olivia came to being injured that day. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine Alex I promise." Olivia ran her hands over her face "They've got him stabilized and are flying him out to Germany tonight. They said he could possibly be paralyzed but it's too early to tell." Both grew quiet as Olivia allowed everything to finally sink in and for Alex to process what she'd just heard. Olivia looked up and noticed how sad the blonde looked "Thank you for the care package."

Alex gave her a sad smile, leave it to Olivia to always try and make her smile "I'm glad you got it. Was the food okay?"

"Tell your Mom thanks, the brownies are delicious." She had to grin at the pretend look of hurt on Alex's face "And yes your cookies were delicious as well. I also shared like you told me too. Jones loved the brownies and said that if your Mom was up to making extra she could send her some next time."

Alex chuckled "I'll tell her." They made small talk for the remainder of their time, Alex filling her in on everything going on at home while both tried to ignore what had happened earlier in the day. Alex felt the tears begin again as their time drew to a close. "Olivia please promise me you'll be careful. Please baby."

"Alex sweetheart, I promise I'll be careful. I will come home to you, I promise you." Olivia said her voice thick with emotion. She looked at the time and saw she had a couple minutes "Alex I've been thinking, what do you say when I get home we make a trip to Boston or Canada? I know how dangerous my job is but I was reminded today exactly how dangerous it can be. I know your mine forever but I can't stand to not be married to you any longer. I know it won't be legal in New York but I feel certain it will be before long. When I get home I want us to get married."

Alex choked out a sob "I'd love to."

Olivia smiled her first genuine smile since that morning "You can look into it if you want. You just tell me when and where to show up and I'll be there." She sighed "I have to go Alex. I love you so much." Like she always did she kissed her fingertips and pressed them to the screen.

Alex followed Olivia's lead and kissed her fingertips and pressed them to the screen as well. "I love you too Olivia. Please be careful. I love you."

"I love you too." And with that the screen went dark. Olivia walked back to her bunk her mind on her fellow soldiers who had been injured and killed that day as well as Alex. She knew Alex worried about her but she worried about Alex. She worried what kind of toll her job was taking on the blonde. She couldn't wait to get home and hold her in her arms. As she climbed into her bunk she pulled out a picture of Alex and buried her head under the pillow. She placed a quick kiss to the picture before silently crying herself to sleep.

After ending her conversation with Olivia Alex collapsed into tears on the couch. Her worst fears were coming true, Olivia could have died today. Instead of talking to her soldier just now she could've been receiving the call every family member of a soldier dreads. She wiped her tears and cleared her throat when there was a knock at the door. She opened it without looking and dissolved into tears again when she saw her mother standing there.

"Alex, honey, what's wrong?" Caroline asked as she closed the door and helped her daughter to the couch to sit down. She began to worry "Is it Olivia?"

Alex nodded "She just called me. She…she…she almost died today Mom!" Alex buried her face in her mother's neck.

Caroline swallowed her tears as she held her daughter. Her heart broke as she looked at her daughter; she was strong and independent but at that moment she was her baby girl again seeking comfort in her mother's arms. "Oh sweetie, is she okay?"

"Yes, I just talked to her. Another MP saved her life by pushing her out of the way. Four dead and five wounded. Her friend Carter was the one who saved her. He was hurt pretty bad."

"Oh Alex." Caroline sighed as she couldn't help the few tears that finally escaped. She loved Olivia like she was her own daughter and she worried about her every day. "She's going to be fine."

"I know." Alex said the words she just wished she could convince her heart. She began crying all over again as she burrowed further into her mother's embrace. For the first time since she was a child Alex Cabot, ADA for Manhattan's Special Victim's Unit, cried herself to sleep in her mother's arms.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

"Damnit!" Alex sighed as she spilled her coffee on the table. She grabbed a few napkins and began quickly cleaning up. She leaned forward and rested her head in her hands she didn't think the day could possibly get any worse. Her current case had ended that morning in a mistrial. She had gotten into an argument that morning with Elliot over a warrant, and due to shaky evidence and an unreliable witness the perp in her newest case was probably going to walk. She walked over and took a seat at her desk; she couldn't help but smile when she looked at the picture of Olivia she kept there. The picture was one Olivia had sent her from Afghanistan she was in full uniform and smiling at the camera. While it broke her heart at the reminder of how far away her fiancé was she loved the picture and the pride she felt would almost overwhelm her. She pulled it to her and placed a quick kiss on it before sitting it back. As she laid her head back she glanced at the other photo on her desk it had been taken several months after they had begun dating, they were at a fourth of July cookout at her grandparents estate on Martha's Vineyard Alex was sitting on Olivia's lap with Olivia's arms wrapped securely around her waist. As she closed her eyes she wrapped her arms around herself and tried to pretend it was Olivia holding her.

That evening as she made her way home she was debating whether or not to take her mother up on her offer to go out to dinner. Alex knew her mother was worried about her but she really didn't feel up to going out, especially after the day she'd had. She'd spent most of the afternoon trying to hold it together when Olivia called to tell her that their tour had been extended another month. So instead of getting to see her fiancé in two weeks she was going to have to wait six. "Cabot." She sighed as her phone rang.

"I know who you are dear a simple hello would suffice." Caroline joked as she noticed the tension in her daughter's voice.

Alex smiled at her mother's attempt to cheer her up. "Sorry I didn't look to see who it was." They made small talk as Alex walked down the hall to her apartment "Mom I really don't feel up to going out tonight. It's been a really bad day. I just want to curl up and forget this day ever happened."

"Alex I know you want to be by yourself but why don't you let me get dinner and bring it over. I'll at least know you ate. I know how you get when you have days like this."

Alex knew it would be easier to agree than to argue with her mother "Ok. I'll see you in a little while." She dropped her bags as she entered the door and headed to the kitchen for a glass of wine. She changed her mind when she caught sight of the bottle of whisky in the cabinet she poured a shot and winced as it went down. She headed to her bathroom and climbed into the shower, as she began relaxing under the hot water her tears began to fall. She stayed in the shower until the water turned cold. She stood in her bedroom wrapped in a towel like she did every evening she pulled one of Olivia's shirts out and put it on along with a pair of sweats. She fixed a glass of wine and collapsed on the couch and began sorting through the mail. Her day suddenly got better when she spotted Olivia's handwriting on one of the envelopes. To some letter writing may seem old fashioned in a day where there were faster ways to get in touch but there was something about a letter that Alex had always loved. It meant someone had considered what they wanted to say, they had taken time out of their day to sit down and write down their thoughts. She grinned when a couple photos spilled out. One was a picture of Olivia sitting on what was left of a rock wall the mountains in the background. Alex had to take a deep breath at the sight of her soldier, Olivia was in uniform with the sleeves of her t-shirt rolled up which showed off her tan, toned arms. Alex loved those arms whether they were wrapped around her holding her close during the night or when she would run her hands along them as Olivia propped herself up over her as they made love. She chuckled as she looked at the next Olivia was playing soccer with a small group of Afghan children. Alex immediately pictured sitting in the park while Olivia played with their children. Children were a topic they had danced around but had yet to discuss seriously. She made a mental note to bring the subject up once Olivia came home. She pulled Olivia's shirt up closer and inhaled her scent as she began reading the letter.

_Dear Alex,_

_Hey beautiful! I miss you. Thank you for the last care package and Jones said to thank Caroline for sending brownies for her too. I hope you like the pictures. The one of just me was taken on a route near our base. It's in one of the safer areas and I love the view and wanted to share it with you. The second was taken in the village closest to us. The kids came over because I always have candy, tell Elliot thanks for sending more by the way. I couldn't understand what they were saying but I was sure they were laughing at me because I suck at soccer. I asked a translator and he laughed as he said that they were indeed laughing at me. They break my heart Alex they take pleasures in the simplest things. Handing them a piece of candy is like handing a kid back home the hottest toy._

_I'm sure by the time this letter reaches you it will only be a couple more weeks until I'm home. I liked the pictures and ideas you emailed me about the wedding. I'm smiling as I write this, just thinking about marrying you makes my time here so much easier. I can't wait to marry you and call you my wife, and to be called your wife as well. I can't wait to come home and hold you in my arms. I'll be home soon. I love you Alex._

_Love always, _

_Olivia_

Alex wiped the tears that had begun again as she read. When Olivia wrote the letter she was planning on being home soon now they had added another month to her tour, another month till they could get married and another month till Olivia would be in her arms. She laid the pictures on the coffee table to show her mother and took the letter and put it in the drawer in her bedside table with all the others she'd received. She went to open the door when she heard her mother knocking.

Caroline held a bag up after entering the apartment and hugging her daughter "I know how much you love the linguine from Romano's."

Alex sat the bag on the kitchen table and inhaled as she opened the bag. She didn't realize how hungry she was until that moment. "Thank you."

"Don't mention it. Now go have a seat and I'll bring dinner in." They talked about Alex's day and the letter from Olivia. "So how are plans for the wedding coming?"

Alex sighed and sat her empty plate on the coffee table "Their on hold at the moment."

"Why?"

"I forgot to tell you, Olivia called this morning and they extended her leave by one month. So instead of being home at the beginning of June she won't be home till the first of July. So I don't see the point in continuing with the plans right now."

"Well you could always continue making your plans and then it's done when she gets home." Caroline could see the struggle her daughter was fighting internally. She feared Alex was nearing her breaking point.

Alex stood and began pacing the room "What's the point Mom?!" she ran her hands through her hair. "I'll have plans made for when she gets home and a couple weeks before I'll get the phone call that it's being extended again. I'll have gotten my hopes up for nothing."

"Oh Alex it might not get extended. You have to stay positive." She tried to wrap her arms around her daughter.

Alex pulled back quickly "That's just it Mom I'm tired of staying positive. I'm tired of being strong. I just want her home!" she fought against her mother when she pulled her into her arms but finally relented and allowed her mother to hold her.

"Alex I'm not even going to pretend to know how you feel. I was lucky enough to have your father at home with us, but Alex no one can be strong all the time. It's okay to be upset that Olivia isn't here, it's okay to be angry that her tour got extended, it's okay to be upset and angry that you have to delay your wedding plans."

"No it's not okay. I have to be strong for her. It would be selfish of me to not be." Alex slowly pulled back and wiped her tears.

"It's not selfish it's called being human."

They both grew quiet as Alex went to the bathroom and splashed water on her face. She knew her Mom was right she just couldn't convince herself of it. She quickly wiped her face and ran to the other room when she heard the tone on her computer. She had talked to Olivia that morning she wasn't expecting to hear from her this evening as well. "Hi baby!" she practically squealed when Olivia's face appeared on the screen.

"Hey beautiful." Talking to Alex earlier in the day had been great but nothing compared to actually seeing her face.

"I didn't expect to see you. It's got to be early there what are you doing up?"

"We're making an early run this morning so I figured I'd grab a few minutes with you."

"I'm glad." She grinned "You know the drill." She laughed as Olivia stood and turned around and added a slight sway of her hips as she did.

"Glad to see you're staying in shape soldier." Caroline said with a laugh as Olivia sat down quickly and she and Alex both blushed. All three women talked for a few minutes before Caroline excused herself to allow her daughter and her fiancé to talk.

"Are you okay Alex? You look like you've been crying."

"I'm fine Liv. I had a bad day but it suddenly got better. I got your letter; I love the pictures by the way. The one of you alone especially." She grinned mischievously.

"I thought you would like that one. So how are the wedding plans coming?"

Alex looked down "I was thinking about holding off on any more plans until we know for sure you get to come home."

Olivia's stomach dropped she hoped Alex wasn't changing her mind about marrying her. She had always been afraid that Alex would realize she deserved a better life than what Olivia was giving her and leave "Oh, okay, um well if you want to postpone I understand." Her heart felt as if it was about to break.

"No I didn't mean that, I can't wait to marry you. It's just I worry about making the plans for when you get home and then your tour get extended again that's all. I want to marry you Olivia."

Olivia breathed a sigh of relief "Good because I want to marry you too."

After a few more minutes they reluctantly ended their call, kissing their fingers and pressing them to the screen as they professed their love for one another. When she was done Alex walked into the kitchen where her mother was and sat down at the counter.

"She looks good." Caroline said as she put away the leftovers from dinner.

"She always looks good Mom." Alex said with a smile.

Caroline sat down in front of the blonde "Alex I'm going to say something and I want you to hear me out before you say anything. Okay?" Alex nodded "I think you need to get some help." Alex's eyes went wide and she opened her mouth to protest but was stopped when her mother held up her hand "I'm not saying you need a shrink or anything like that but I do think you need someone to talk to. Alex I'm afraid you're nearing a breakdown and I won't stand by and allow that, besides Olivia would never forgive me if I did. Now I've been looking into it and there are several support groups for family members of the military. One of them meets at a community center a couple blocks from my house and there's another that meets in the basement of a church a couple streets over. I'm afraid between the stress of your job plus your worry over Olivia that you're going to break. Do you want to be on the verge of a mental or nervous breakdown when Olivia gets back?" Alex shook her head no. "Will you at least consider it?"

Alex looked everywhere but at her mother. As much as she hated to admit it her Mom was right, she knew she was heading for a breakdown. "I'll look into it."

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The following Saturday Alex walked into the basement of the First Presbyterian Church a few blocks from her apartment. She sat quietly and listened as some of the men, women and even a few teens talked about their family members who were scattered across the globe in different branches of the military. Listening to them she slowly began see that she wasn't alone and her Mom was right she didn't always have to be strong. She listened as the older lady seated next to her spoke of her grandsons, one in Afghanistan and one in Iraq. She hadn't planned on saying anything so she was surprised when her mouth opened to speak "My name is Alex." Everyone acknowledged her. At first she had been afraid to mention that she had a girlfriend not a boyfriend or husband overseas but quickly realized no one would care when a mother spoke of her son overseas and his partner who was here. She sighed before continuing "My fiancé Olivia is currently stationed in Afghanistan, she's a Sergeant and MP. We were planning to marry when her tour ends at the first of June but we found out the other day that its been extended a month and she won't be home now until the first of July." She heard her voice crack but told herself not to cry. She however couldn't help the lone tear that escaped when the older woman next to her placed a comforting hand on hers. "I'm just afraid she's not going to come home."

"That's what we're all afraid of dear." The older woman said as she gently squeezed the blonde's hand.

By the end of the meeting Alex was emotionally drained but at the same time she felt better. She didn't feel as alone as she used to, she had somewhere she could go and people would understand how she felt. She decided to walk home and get some air. Her mind continued to drift to thoughts about the wedding so she wasn't surprised that the first thing she did when she arrived home was begin browsing online for a dress. She called on of the nicest bridal stores in the city and sat up an appointment for that week to begin trying on dresses. After calling her mother and asking her to go along she poured a glass of wine and sat down in the floor with her laptop and bridal magazines spread out in front of her. She felt lighter than she had in weeks and was once again eagerly looking forward to her wedding and the return of her soldier.

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**A/N: Thank you for the reviews! I'm glad you liked. I know some of you were hoping for a happy chapter after the last one but for some sadistic reason I wanted Alex to suffer a little longer. Rest assured we will have a homecoming next chapter. I had someone PM me about their ages; Alex is the same age as Stephanie and for this story Olivia is two years older. Since this is taking place around the end of season 4 Alex is 28 almost 29 and Olivia is 31. Let me know what you think. I hope you enjoyed!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Happy Thanksgiving to my fellow Americans, a little treat for everyone. Thank you all for your reviews I'm glad you're enjoying. Let me know what you think. Enjoy!**

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Chapter 5

The summer heat in New York could be miserable but Alex decided it was nothing compared to North Carolina. The short walk from the rental car to the building where the reception was being held caused her to break into a sweat. She breathed a sigh of relief when she entered the cool, air conditioned building. She looked at the clock on the wall and began to pace the room with excited anticipation; Olivia was due to land in thirty minutes. She had only seen Olivia once since she had left over a year ago for her tour but these last thirty minutes felt like they were going to be the longest thirty minutes of her life. Aside from checking in when she arrived and letting them know that she was family of a soldier, leaving out a few minor details of course, she had kept to herself. She was a ball of nerves and didn't think she would be appropriate company, she also wouldn't have to worry about explaining why she was there and worrying about what someone might say or think. Alex had never been one to care what anyone said or thought about her but she would do everything in her power to keep anyone from saying anything about Olivia.

Alex walked over and picked up a cup of punch from the table of refreshments that had been set out. She noticed a young man that had been watching her but she chose to pretend that she didn't see him. She turned and watched out the window almost willing herself to be able to see Olivia's plane coming in. She was startled slightly by a voice behind her "They should be landing soon."

She turned to see it was the man who had been watching her "I know." He appeared to be around Olivia's age and was a descent looking guy she just didn't like the way he was watching her.

He rubbed his hand through his hair "So uh, you here to meet your husband?" he looked at the ring on her finger.

Alex bit her tongue for a second before continuing "I'm meeting family." it wasn't a lie.

"My name's David by the way. I'm meeting my brother." He eyed her for a moment "I didn't catch your name."

Alex sighed and turned to face him "You didn't catch it because I didn't give it to you." she threw her cup in the trash and headed toward the door. As much as she dreaded heading back into the sweltering heat anything was better than her present company. She had just made it through the door when she realized he had followed her. Alex whipped around and put on her best courtroom face "Okay obviously you can't take a hint. I would really like to be left alone." She gave him one final glare "By the way I'm with someone." She said as she held up her left hand, her ring sparkling in the sunlight.

"Got it." David said as he held his hands up and backed away, not looking happy at what had just happened.

Alex was just trying to calm down when the announcement was made that the families could gather at fenced off area to watch for their loved ones. Alex felt her hands begin to shake as she saw the plane as it came into land. This was it, Olivia was home. After the plane taxied and pulled up to the hanger the crowd cheered as their family and friends walked off the plane. After the soldiers filed inside the hanger the families followed and waited patiently during a short ceremony. When it ended Alex began looking around for her fiancé. She had only caught a few glimpses of Olivia when she walked across the tarmac and even though Olivia didn't smile or make eye contact Alex knew Olivia had seen her as well. Most of the soldiers had reunited with their relatives but Alex still had yet to see Olivia. She was quickly turning into a bundle of nerves when she felt someone tap her on the shoulder. She whirled around and burst into tears when she saw Olivia standing behind her. In that moment she didn't care who was watching as she threw her arms around the brunette's neck and held on for dear life.

Olivia's breath caught as she wrapped her arms around the blonde and held her close. It had been five months since she'd held Alex and she knew no matter how long she held her it would never be long enough. She turned her head and placed a kiss to Alex's neck just below her ear. She grinned as she heard the moan escape Alex's lips. She placed her lips against Alex's ear "I think this is the best feeling in the world."

"I think you're right." Alex whispered, her breath on Olivia's neck causing Olivia to shutter.

When they finally broke apart they mingled a little while with the rest of the unit. They could both tell that there were some who knew they were together but didn't seem to care. Olivia would have to stay on base for a couple hours to finish up her tour and then they could head home. They were walking back toward the car when Olivia heard her name being called. She turned and saw Erika trying to catch up to her "Hey Jones I thought you would've been tired of seeing me by now."

The younger woman laughed "I can't let you go without meeting your girl."

Olivia laughed as she wrapped her arm around Alex's waist and pulled her tight "Jones this is my fiancé Alex Cabot. Alex this is Erika Jones."

"It is so nice to meet you." Erika said as she and Alex shook hands. She looked at her boyfriend standing next to her "This is my boyfriend Daniel."

The young man shook Olivia's hand "I've heard so much about you, specifically about how you proposed to your girlfriend." He laughed as he gave his own girlfriend a sideways glare. The two couples talked for a bit longer before going their separate ways.

Once they were alone Olivia pushed Alex up against the car and pressed their lips together. She ran her tongue along Alex's lips asking permission and moaning when Alex granted her entrance. Alex wrapped her arms around Olivia's neck and held her as tight as humanly possible. She knew she'd missed the brunette but she had no idea how much until now. Olivia slowly ran her hands down Alex's sides and slipped her thumbs just under her t-shirt and began rubbing light circles as she slipped the rest of her hand just below the waist of her jeans. When she felt the familiar pull low in her stomach she knew she had to stop. She was surprised however when Alex pushed her back before she had a chance to pull away "What?" Alex's face was red, Olivia was sure it was a combination of the kiss and the heat, her lips parted and she was panting for air. Olivia groaned at the sight wanting nothing more than to take her right there.

Alex stood "It's the seventh circle of hell out here, that car is so hot I'm pretty sure it just sat my back on fire." Her back may have been burning from being pressed against the car but she was more than okay if it meant she got to kiss Olivia the way she just did.

Olivia gave her another quick kiss "Okay I have to go and head back to the base but you can pick me up there in a couple hours. I'll call you as soon as I'm free."

Alex spent the rest of the afternoon in the Fort Bragg area. She was wandering around a small art gallery when her phone signaled a message from Olivia. She practically ran to the car to pick Olivia up. She began smiling as she pulled up to the gate and saw Olivia standing there waiting for her. "Do you want to get a bite to eat?"

Olivia nodded as she leaned over for a kiss "Yeah I'm starving and besides once we get back to the hotel I don't plan on us leaving till time to check out."

Alex felt a shiver run down her spine, she cleared her throat "Um right, yeah, where's the nearest restaurant?" Olivia laughed as Alex hit the gas.

"That was one of the best things I've ever ate." Alex said as they walked down the hall to their hotel room.

"It was good but it wasn't near as good as your cooking. I can't wait to get home and have something you made."

Alex smiled and bumped Olivia on the shoulder. She had never in her life imagined she would enjoy cooking for someone else but she loved doing in for Olivia. She had just slid the key card in the lock when she felt Olivia push her through the door and pin her against the back of it. Alex allowed her hands to roam as she felt Olivia's doing the same. "I've missed this so much." She moaned out as she began placing kisses along her fiancés neck.

"Not as much as I have." Olivia managed between the kisses she was placing across Alex's neck which was visible thanks to the low cut top she was wearing.

"I beg to differ sergeant." Alex wrapped one of her legs around Olivia's waist and cried out as Olivia began to grind against her.

Olivia dropped her head against Alex's chest and tried to get herself back under control. As bad as she wanted the blonde at the moment she didn't want it to be against a hotel room door. She slid her hands down to Alex's hips picking her up and carrying her to the bed. As she lay her down Olivia gasped at how beautiful her fiancé was and how much she had truly missed her. She quickly pulled her shirt and pants off before climbing in and lying down beside the younger woman.

Alex wasn't sure how long they had been making out when she remembered something. "Liv, Liv baby stop for a second." She said as she reluctantly pushed Olivia back.

"Why?" Olivia almost whined causing Alex to chuckle.

"I just remembered something I got for you." she said as she jumped from the bed and opened her suitcase.

"Alex I just want you."

Alex laughed at how Olivia sounded like a child who wasn't getting her way. She held the item behind her back and headed to the bathroom "I want you naked when I come back."

"Yes ma'am." Olivia wasted no time in shedding her remaining clothes.

Alex walked out of the bathroom and seductively turned the corner "Welcome home soldier." She tried to stay confident and hope Olivia didn't think she looked ridiculous.

Olivia's jaw dropped and groaned at the sight before her, Alex was dressed in a camo colored negligee. It was one of the hottest things she'd ever seen. "Get over here now." She practically growled. Alex walked as slow as she could to the bed adding an extra sway to her hips as she did so. She squealed as Olivia grabbed her and flipped her onto her back "As much as I love this it needs to come off." Olivia said as she slid her hands up her fiancés body taking the tiny outfit with her.

Several hours later they were getting ready to go out to dinner "I thought you said that once we came back here we weren't leaving." Alex chuckled.

Olivia wrapped her arms around her waist "Yeah well I think we've burned off every calorie we've taken in for the last week." She rubbed her hands over Alex's stomach "Besides I seem to remember hearing your stomach growling too."

They walked into a barbecue place near the base that Olivia loved to go to when she was there. They laughed and talked as they ate, thankful for being in one another's company. Olivia must have been right about how many calories they'd burned Alex thought as she dug into her dessert, she was still hungry. As they left the restaurant and began walking back to their hotel Alex couldn't help but smile with pride when random people would call out a 'Welcome home' or a 'Thank you' to Olivia. She squeezed her hand tighter and placed a quick kiss to her cheek "I love you."

They had just turned the corner when Alex heard a somewhat familiar voice "Well imagine seeing you here."

Alex tensed as she turned and saw the man from earlier at the airfield. Olivia instinctively wrapped her arm around Alex's waist and stepped closer as she eyed the man. Alex breathed a sigh of relief when she felt Olivia hold her tight. "Yes well we had to eat."

David motioned to the bar they were in front of "Why don't you come in and join us for a drink?"

"I believe I told you I was with someone."

"If I were you I would consider backing off." Olivia said as she slowly pushed Alex behind her.

David's eyes opened with realization "So this is who you're with?"

"Yes and happily I might add." Alex replied.

"Ten minutes darlin and I could show you what you're missin." He said as he took another step forward.

Olivia was just taking a step toward him when they were both surprised as a fist came flying out of nowhere knocking David to the ground. "What the hell's your problem? She told you to back off." A fellow soldier said. He looked at Olivia "Benson I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault Green." She said as she shook the other man's hand. She turned to her fiancé "Charlie this is Alex," she took a deep breath "My fiancé. Alex this is Sergeant Charlie Green."

He extended his hand and smiled "It's nice to meet you ma'am. Congratulations Olivia." He said with a smile.

Olivia breathed a sigh of relief "Thanks Charlie. Uh listen only a couple people know…"

Charlie cut her off "Don't worry about it your secret is safe with me. I couldn't care less who you love." He gave Alex a warm smile "You have a beautiful fiancé you should be proud."

"Oh trust me I am." Both ladies replied at the same time.

He looked down at David who was slowly trying to get up "I do apologize for his behavior. He's had a few and while that's no excuse it does tend to turn him into an even bigger prick than he already is." He said with a pointed look at David.

"Thank you." Alex said as she shook his hand again.

Olivia and Charlie shook hands again as she and Alex began to walk away "You're a hell of a soldier Olivia."

Olivia laughed "So are you Charlie. It's been an honor serving with you."

"It was an honor for me too. Hopefully I won't have to see you for a while."

"If we're lucky." She said as she took Alex's hand and walked away.

"Did you know him Alex?" Olivia asked as they walked back into their hotel.

"He was hitting on me earlier when we were waiting for your plane to land. I politely pointed out that I was with someone. He just couldn't take a hint."

"I think he gets it now." She laughed.

As they went about getting ready for bed Alex wrapped her arms around Olivia's neck "What did Charlie mean by hoping he wouldn't see you again?"

Olivia smiled as she wrapped her arms around Alex's waist and stared into her eyes. She could get lost in the blue ocean that was her fiancés eyes for the rest of her life and she would be a happy woman. "Well it might be a while before I see him again because I ended my tour with the army. As of today I am officially in army reserves." Alex's face lit up as she began to cry. "It doesn't mean I won't have to go back but I won't be going back at least for a while."

"Oh thank God!" Alex cried out as she pressed their lips together. She knew Olivia could still be called up for duty but just knowing she was reserves and not regular army caused her to breathe a huge sigh of relief. "So you're free now?"

Olivia laughed "I'm free now."

Alex pushed the brunette on the bed before climbing on top of her "Good because you and I are getting married next Saturday!"


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

It was a warm summer afternoon, the sun was shining and a light breeze was blowing in off the ocean. Olivia looked nervously out the window from the room where she was getting dressed. She may be nervous but at the same time she'd never been so happy for today she was marrying Alex. Olivia looked out over the yard where their reception was to be held and down to where the yard meets the beach where the ceremony would be held. She knew Caroline was able to put together some fantastic parties but she was amazed at what she and Alex had put together. Olivia and Alex had planned much of the wedding through emails and short conversations while she was overseas. They planned a small ceremony at Caroline's summer home on Cape Cod that she had inherited from her grandparents. The property had a private beach so Alex wanted a beach wedding which Olivia was okay with, actually she didn't care where they got married the only thing that mattered to her was they were finally getting married.

Olivia looked in the mirror and smiled at her reflection. She didn't really want to wear a dress but if Alex wanted her to she would but Alex had told her to choose what she wanted. She had thought about just wearing her dress uniform because she wouldn't have time to find something when she got home. However she had only been back in New York for a day when her future mother in law took her out to shop for something to wear. Olivia cried the entire way to the shop that Caroline cared that much for her. Olivia missed her mother not being able to be there on her wedding day but at the same time she knew her mother would've never went with her to pick out her wedding outfit. She sighed as she put on the long strand of pearls that belonged to her mother; at least she would have a small reminder of Serena with her today. Olivia took one last look in the mirror before heading downstairs. She had chosen a white pant suit and she had to admit she did look nice. She and Alex had settled on a small wedding party, one maid of honor for each of them. Olivia had chosen her childhood friend Jessica to be her maid of honor; she was the only real friend Olivia had growing up. They walked out and headed to the beach to take their places.

Alex was fighting every urge to look out the window to see if she could catch a glimpse of her fiancé. She looked at her mother "She's out there right?" she asked as they began walking down the stairs.

Caroline chuckled "Of course she is sweetheart she's as excited as you are."

As Alex made her way around to where she would wait until she was given her cue she looked out over the small gathering of friends and family. The majority was her family and a few of her friends. Olivia had invited Elliot who was friends with both ladies. It was because of the detective the two met. He and Olivia had been friends for years and she had happened to stop by the squad room one day to take him to lunch. Alex came in to deliver a warrant and he introduced the two. While both agreed it wasn't exactly love at first sight both knew they felt something. Alex spent a couple days trying to work up the courage to ask Elliot for the brunette's number when she was surprised to get a phone call from said brunette in her office one day. She had been over the moon when Olivia called and asked her out on a date, and the rest as they say is history. Olivia had a few friends and her fellow soldier Erika, who lived in Connecticut, made the trip. Alex had made sure the ushers knew to tell people to sit wherever they liked. She had never really liked the whole sitting on certain side's thing at weddings and didn't want it done at hers.

She grew nervous when her mother gave her a hug and kiss before she walked down and took her seat. Alex smiled at her cousin Dana, who was her maid of honor, as she began her trip down the aisle. When the music began and her aunt motioned her to go she began to shake, but she felt the air leave her lungs when she saw Olivia. She was wearing a white pant suit with nothing under the blazer. It was very low cut and teased with a slight peek at her breasts. She was wearing pearls that fell down to where the blazer buttoned. To Alex it just drew her attention to Olivia's breasts even more. The white contrasted perfectly with her complexion. Alex also loved Olivia's hair style. She had loved the brunette's slightly spikey pixie cut she had when they first met but it had grown out some. Olivia had called it slightly shaggy but Alex loved it.

Olivia felt her legs begin to tremble as the music began but she was certain her heart stopped when she saw Alex walking toward her. She was wearing a floor length sleeveless gown; it was low cut and ended just below her breasts. And like Olivia requested she was wearing her glasses and her hair was down.

When she reached the end of the aisle Alex handed her bouquet to her maid of honor before turning and taking Olivia's hands in her own. She mouthed 'I love you' when Olivia squeezed her hands. She choked out a few more tears as Olivia reached out and wiped her tears and mouthed an 'I love you' also.

The judge cleared his throat "Ladies and gentlemen we are gathered her to join Alex and Olivia in marriage. If anyone knows any reason they should not be joined speak now or forever hold you peace." The couple was too lost in one another to look around but Elliot took a quick look at the guests. He swore if anyone made so much as a peep he'd personally toss them in the ocean. He breathed a sigh of relief when the judge continued. "Alex and Olivia have chosen to write their own vows. Alex."

Alex took a deep breath to get her emotions under control but it was no use as she began crying the moment she began speaking. "Olivia I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. In fact I never knew love like this was possible until I met you. I've never felt as wanted, cherished or loved as I do when I'm with you. I know this love of ours may not always be easy but it's something I'm committed to. Olivia I will always love you, support you and be by your side. I promise to be there through sickness and health, through good times and bad. Through deployments and when you're at home with me. Olivia I love you with all my heart and I will love you till the day I die. Olivia you are the love of my life."

Olivia pulled a tissue from her pocket and began gently wiping Alex's tears before wiping her own. She took a few deep breaths before beginning. "Alex I never expected to fall in love with someone as perfect as you. If only I had known that day at the precinct that I would meet my soul mate I would've dressed better." This drew a laugh from their guests as well as Alex. "I told myself it was stupid when I called you up and asked you out, I mean what would a woman as wonderful as you see in me? I nearly fell over when you accepted. Alex I never knew I was capable of loving someone as much as I love you. I love you so much I can't explain it but I can feel it. I love you so much that sometimes it hurts. Just the sight of you makes my breath catch and my heart stop. Especially first thing in the morning, your hair all a mess or up in a ponytail and you're wearing one of my old t-shirts. I usually have to pinch myself to make sure that this is really my life, that I have the most wonderful person in the world with me. Like you I agree our life may not always be easy but I am committed to it. I know my being gone is harder for you than for me but just knowing I have you here loving and supporting me makes my time away just a little bit easier. Alex I will love you through good times and bad, through sickness and health and through deployments and times at home. Alex I stand here holding your hand pledging to love you for eternity, and I will be holding your hand till the day."

By the time Olivia finished there wasn't a dry eye to be seen. Both ladies barely heard the rest of what the judge had to say until it was time for the rings. "Alex do you take Olivia to be your wife?"

"I do." Alex said, her body trembling as she slipped the ring on Olivia's finger.

"And Olivia do you take Alex to be your wife?"

"I do." Olivia choked out as she slipped Alex's ring on her finger.

The judge said a few more words but Alex and Olivia were too wrapped up in one another to know what he was saying. A slight laughter pulled them from their thoughts. They looked to the judge who was smiling "You may now kiss your bride."

Olivia grinned as she stepped closer and placed one hand on Alex's waist and her other on the back of her neck. She pulled the blonde woman to her and pressed their lips together. She smiled into the kiss when she felt Alex wrap her arms around her and hold her close "I love you." she whispered as she pulled back.

"Ladies and gentlemen allow me to present Olivia and Alex Benson."

They walked back down the aisle to applause and cheers from their guests. Both were smiling brighter than anyone had ever seen. They walked back to the house to freshen up before their pictures. Just as they made it through the door Olivia pulled Alex to her for a far more passionate kiss than they had just shared. She ran her fingers through her wife's blonde hair as she felt Alex running her hands up and down her sides. That was when it occurred to her she wasn't just kissing Alex, she was kissing her wife. She began crying and laughing at the same time.

Alex pulled back "What?"

Olivia wiped her eyes "I just realized that I'm kissing my wife."

"I like the sound of that. Hey, that means I'm kissing my wife too!" she pulled back slightly and looked down at Olivia's outfit "You look amazing." She placed a kiss to Olivia's neck "Did you wear this just to tease me? All I could focus on was you aren't wearing anything under that blazer. All I wanted to do was reach over and slide it to the side just a bit." As she said it she reached inside Olivia's blazer and gave her breast a gentle squeeze.

"Well you look absolutely gorgeous." Olivia said as she began placing light kisses across Alex's neck and shoulders, before working back up to kiss her lips.

They were lost in yet another kiss when they heard someone clear their throat. They blushed slightly when they saw Caroline standing in the doorway "Okay girls there will be plenty of time for that on the honeymoon. You have pictures to take and a reception to get to."

After what felt like hundreds of pictures in various locations on the beach as well as at the house they walked into the yard where the reception was being held. They were greeted by a round of applause from their family and friends. After a catered dinner and cutting the cake, which Alex threatened Olivia with her life if she mashed the cake on her face; they were called to the dance floor for their first dance. They had chosen Somewhere over the Rainbow as the song they'd dance their first dance to. Both loved the song and Olivia said that as a child she'd always dreamed of being somewhere better than where she was. She always dreamed of finding someone who would love her. They held one another tight as they swayed to the music. When the song ended the DJ started another song and both ladies urged their guests to join them on the dance floor.

Olivia was dancing with Elliot when he nodded across the dance floor "I think your wife wants to dance with you."

Olivia turned around and chuckled when she saw Alex starting her way "Sorry bud I'll take her over you any day. Go dance with your own wife." Olivia turned and began to sway her way across the floor.

Alex shook her head, for someone who claimed they had no rhythm Olivia sure could move. She suddenly had an idea.

Olivia burst out laughing as Alex began dancing across the floor to her. Granted not everyone knew Alex the way she did but she couldn't believe what she was seeing. Alex was dancing quickly across the floor and shaking her upper body as she did. Olivia pulled Alex into her arms, both laughing "Shakin what your Mama gave ya counselor?"

"Only for you baby. Only for you." she grinned

As they neared the end of the party Alex took a chair to the center of the floor and motioned for Olivia as she took a seat. She had to laugh at the confused look on the brunette's face "I'm wearing a garter and I believe it's your job, or pleasure, to take it off."

Olivia took a deep breath as she kneeled in front of her wife and began to run both hands up Alex's leg taking her time as she went. She looked up unsure if Alex was wearing a garter, Alex only grinned and urged her to continue. Olivia finally felt the garter under her fingers. She decided to tease the blonde just a bit and slid one hand on up her thigh a bit and lightly ran her finger tips across her center. Alex gasped at the touch and Olivia swallowed the lump in her throat when she realized Alex was wearing a lace thong.

"Keep it PG girls there are children here." Caroline said laughingly.

Both ladies blushed and Olivia quickly pulled the garter off and stood pulling Alex into her arms. Olivia shot the garter into the crowd of men which was caught by Alex's cousin. Alex tossed the bouquet which was caught by Olivia's friend Erika. They hugged and thanked their guests before leaving the party. They were spending the night in the guesthouse that was on the property. Alex had originally planned for them to stay on Cape Cod for a few days then take a trip somewhere later in the summer. She figured since Olivia had been away from home for so long she wouldn't want to travel. Olivia didn't care where they spent their honeymoon just being alone with Alex was enough for her. She did however want to get away for a while. So with Caroline's help she had planned a honeymoon in Bora Bora. At first Olivia had worried about how to pay for it but Caroline insisted on helping pay for their honeymoon, she told Olivia to consider it a wedding gift.

When they entered the guesthouse they found flowers and a note waiting on the table in the entry way. Several of Alex's cousins had stocked the kitchen with enough food for the weekend and told them there was a surprise waiting upstairs. Both gasped when they entered the bedroom, the room had two large bouquets of flowers from the wedding and candles on every available surface. There was a tray with chocolate covered strawberries along with a basket filled with bath salts, lotions and massage oil. Olivia pulled Alex to her. She held the blonde close as she allowed it to sink in that this was her life. She still couldn't believe that Alex was hers, that Alex could love someone like her. She was the child of an alcoholic and a rapist. She was a soldier and would never have the money to buy all the things Alex deserved. Alex was old money she spent her summers here on Cape Cod, the Hamptons and Martha's Vineyard with her grandparents, the Kennedy compound was less than a mile down the beach. Alex had played with Kennedy grandchildren growing up, and yet she fell in love with Olivia. Olivia thanked her lucky stars every day that Alex chose her.

Alex sighed as they stood wrapped in one another's arms swaying to the music in their head. She was so grateful for meeting Olivia she couldn't imagine her life without her. She didn't want to imagine her life without her. She pulled back and placed her hands on either side of Olivia's face and leaned in for a kiss. "I love you so much."

"I love you too." Olivia whispered as she began unzipping Alex's dress and Alex began unbuttoning her blazer. When they had finished undressing Olivia picked Alex up and laid her on the bed and settled down on top of her "And now I'm going to show you how much I love you." she whispered before leaning in for a kiss.

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**A/N: Wow! Thank you guys for the reviews of the last chapter, I'm so glad you liked. I have to say I've never been one to like when people choose to put Olivia in a suit for a wedding. However I did because I feel Olivia is not as 'girly' in this story as I wrote her in my last two stories. When I was looking online for ideas for what she could wear I found a pic for this outfit and it was very beautiful and I could easily see her wearing it. As for Alex's I saw a pic of Stephanie in her wedding dress and I used it for Alex's. I love Over the Rainbow but didn't think it would work as a first dance song. I did find it's listed on several bridal sights as a first dance song. I looked up info about Mariska's wedding and to my surprise that was also the song she and Peter danced their first dance too. I knew then I had to use it. I got a little carried away with the wedding so the honeymoon will be a separate chapter. Let me know if you liked it. I hope you enjoyed!**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: I am so sorry for the delay. It's a busy time of year plus writer's block was the cause in the delay. I hope you're still with me. I tried to make it up to you in this chapter for taking so long to update. I have plans for the next chapter so hopefully it won't take me as long to update. Thank you for the reviews of the last chapter, I'm glad you liked the wedding. Let me know what you think. Enjoy!**

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Chapter 7

Alex smiled as she rolled over and took in the sight in front of her. While she and Olivia had been sleeping together for well over two years, being able to watch the brunette wake up was something she cherished. She looked at the clock and saw it was almost noon she smiled as the memories of everything that they had done the night before came flooding back. The night before, their wedding night, had been one of the best nights of her life. She had felt every ounce of love Olivia had for her and she hoped she had showed Olivia exactly how much she loved her as well. She stared at her wife, her wife it was something she'd repeated to herself a hundred times since the afternoon before and yet she still couldn't believe Olivia was her wife.

Alex propped herself up and reached out and gently brushed Olivia's hair from her eyes. She took a moment to watch her sleep; watch how her eyelids gently fluttered, the slight twitches and the light snore that escaped her. Alex allowed her eyes to continue their trip down the brunette's body. Her breath caught as she saw that her movements had caused the sheet to slip down and was now exposing Olivia's chest. Alex carefully leaned in and placed a light kiss to Olivia's breast, she smiled when she heard the light gasp coming from the older woman. Alex laughed inwardly she loved the fact that she could cause a reaction in Olivia even in her sleep. She slid closer and settled down against Olivia and wrapped her arm around her waist tangling their legs together.

Olivia stirred when she felt Alex's body curl up against her. She took a moment to convince herself that this was her life now. It used to be she had to convince herself that Alex wanted to be with her. It then turned to convincing herself that not only was Alex in her life but Alex was naked and in her bed. She chuckled lightly as she thought that now she had to convince herself that Alex was her wife and was hers forever. She wrapped her arms around the blonde and tilted her head to look down. She smiled when she saw Alex looking up at her "Hi."

Alex leaned up and pressed a kiss to her lips "Good morning Mrs. Benson."

Olivia's eyes lit up "Good morning Mrs. Cabot-Benson."

"Drop the Cabot I only kept it for work related purposes." Alex groaned.

"Okay then. Good morning Mrs. Benson."

Alex's eyes sparkled she loved being referred to as Mrs. Benson "That's more like it."

Olivia pulled her up for a kiss smiling as they parted "As much as I'm enjoying just lying here with you I'm starving."

Alex burst out laughing as she stood and pulled a shirt on "I'll go fix us something to eat." She packed up a picnic and they headed down to the beach to eat. When they were done with their meal Alex leaned closer "So are you going to tell me where we're going for our honeymoon?"

"Nope."

"Aww come on Liv. Please?"

Olivia chuckled as she shook her head no and placed a kiss on Alex's forehead "Do you know how whiney you sound right now?" Alex stuck her bottom lip out "Not gonna work. You'll find out soon enough. It's a surprise. Don't you want to be surprised?"

"I guess." Alex huffed. If there was one thing she hated it was not knowing what was going on.

They spent the afternoon lying on the beach and swimming. Olivia was lying on their blanket looking out to sea. There was something about the ocean that had always calmed her. When she had gotten old enough to go places by herself she used to take off to the beach when her mother was in one of her moods. Olivia never thought she'd ever find peace find somewhere she felt like she belonged. That changed the day the attorney walked into the squad room and stole her heart. After only a few weeks together Olivia knew her soul had found rest. Alex was her safe place, her home. She smiled as she saw Alex's head pop out of the water and smile at her. She watched as Alex walked from the water and back up to where she was sitting. She let her eyes trail down to the peace sign tattoo on Alex's hip that barely peaked over the top of her bikini bottoms. She reached up and pulled Alex down to her causing her to squeal. She leaned in close "Do you have any idea how beautiful, gorgeous, hot, sexy you are?" she punctuated each word with a kiss.

Alex threaded her fingers in the brunette's hair and held her close. If they only stayed like this for the rest of their lives she would die a happy woman. She dropped her head back and groaned as she felt Olivia begin kissing her way down her neck and across her chest. "Liv? Olivia?" she squeaked out as she felt Olivia's hands slip under the edge of her bikini top. "Liv baby we're in public."

Olivia continued her journey south licking as she went, tasting the salt on her wife's skin from the ocean. "I do believe you told me it's a private beach." She began placing open mouth kisses along the top of Alex's bikini bottoms, tracing the tattoo with her tongue when she came to it.

"Oh God!" Alex moaned out as she ran her fingers through Olivia's hair. "It may be a private beach but some of the neighbors do go for walks along the water sometimes."

Olivia rose up so they were looking eye to eye "Your mom told me yesterday that the neighbors on either side weren't home. The next closest house is the compound. So unless the Senator is out for a walk I think we're safe." She grinned mischievously "Come on counselor, don't you want to be able to say you've had sex on the beach and mean something other than the drink?"

Alex's breath caught in her chest, she had never even entertained the idea of sex in public but there was something about Olivia that made her want to do things she never imagined she would. She rose up slightly and looked up and down the beach. Not seeing anyone she turned back and smiled at Olivia "Have you ever done this before?"

"You'd be my first." She whispered.

Alex took another quick look both directions before placing a quick kiss to Olivia's lips "Okay, but just so you know I wouldn't do this with anyone but you." Olivia smirked as she pressed their bodies together.

Early the next morning they were driving back to the city so they could catch their flight that would take them on their honeymoon. "You know Liv if you told me where we're going it would be easier for me to pack."

Olivia shook her head at Alex's attempt to find out where they were going. She had to give the blonde credit she was doing her best but Olivia wasn't about to tell her until they were on their way. "Come on Alex it's a surprise! Why would you want to ruin it? I promise I'll tell you once we're on our way."

Once home they had enough time to unpack and repack for their trip. Alex felt like a kid on Christmas morning at not knowing where they were going for their honeymoon. She had used every trick she had learned in the courtroom and from her detectives to figure out where they were going but Olivia wouldn't budge. She grew even more confused when instead of heading for the commercial airlines they headed toward the area of the airport where private flights left. "Olivia?" Her wife simply smiled and held her hand tighter. Olivia walked up to the counter and checked them in before they headed out to board the plane. Alex immediately recognized the plane as her uncle's. Once on board Alex stood in front of the brunette and put on her best courtroom face "Okay Sergeant I've let you keep me in the dark long enough. Now I want to know what is going on."

Olivia smirked "Not yet."

Alex stepped closer "Let the record show that just this morning you told me that you would tell me once we were on the plane." She looked around "All right soldier we're on the plane. Now tell me where we're going." She took a seat next to her wife and leaned in to whisper in her ear "If you have any plans of getting laid while we're on our honeymoon you'll tell me."

Olivia swallowed, surely Alex wouldn't hold out on her. She looked at the serious look on the blonde's face and decided that wasn't something she was willing to risk "We're going to LA."

Alex looked confused "If we're just going to LA why are we flying on my uncle's plane?"

"We're using his plane because he said it would be his wedding gift to us. Our honeymoon is your mother's wedding gift to us and I am paying for the plane tickets."

"What plane tickets?"

"The plane tickets that will take us from LA to Tahiti and after a short layover on to Bora Bora." Olivia laughed as Alex pushed her over on the small sofa and began placing kisses all over her face.

"Are you serious?" Olivia nodded. Alex pressed their lips together in a passionate kiss "Oh my God I love you so much!"

Alex closed the door to the cockpit and walked toward the couch, adding an extra sway to her hips as she did so. She smiled as she saw Olivia was watching her closely. "Checking me out soldier?"

"Yes ma'am." Olivia said as she pulled Alex down next to her. It wasn't long before Olivia found herself flat on the couch with Alex's hands slowly working their way up under her shirt. She was beginning to lose herself in the feel of Alex's soft lips on her skin when she remembered the two pilots that were also onboard. "Alex, sweetheart, what are you doing?"

Alex gave her an almost predatory grin "Are you a member of the mile high club?" Olivia shook her head no "What do you say we join together?"

Olivia lost herself in yet another kiss but couldn't shake the thought that they weren't alone. Alex was using every trick in the book. "What if they hear us?"

"They won't. They know we're on our honeymoon and said they wouldn't bother us until its time to land."

The moment Alex smiled the smile Olivia knew was only for her she knew she was a goner. "Okay counselor but if we get caught this is all on you."

Alex grinned as she pressed her lips to her wife's "You've got yourself a deal."

Alex walked around the small bungalow in awe. She'd always wanted to visit Bora Bora and she had thought it would be great to stay in one of the little bungalows out on the water. Olivia looked around but couldn't take her eyes off the blonde. She'd hoped Alex would like their honeymoon destination but she knew she had made the right choice based solely on her wife's face. Alex turned back to look at her "Liv this is amazing! What made you choose this place?"

Olivia stepped closer and pulled Alex into her arms "I remember one time we were in bed and you were looking at a travel magazine and you said how beautiful it was and that you would love to stay in one of these little huts."

"That was ages ago. I didn't even think you were paying attention to me."

"I'm always paying attention to you. However you need to thank your mom more than me. I could never afford something like this. We had been emailing one another and she asked where we were going. I told her that I wished I had the money to take you here and the next thing I knew she was telling me this was our wedding present."

They spent their days swimming and relaxing on the beach while their nights were spent worshiping one another's body's. While Olivia missed being at home all that mattered to her was she was with Alex. They were sitting on the deck of their bungalow watching the sunset. Olivia looked over at Alex and wondered for what felt like the millionth time what she had done to deserve the blonde. Her breath caught at the sight of her wife; Alex was sitting in the lounge chair with her knees pulled up and her head laid back, she was totally relaxed. Olivia allowed her eyes to slowly drift down her wife's body; her skin was still wet and glistening from the swim she'd just taken. She had to take a deep breath as her eyes drifted to the tiny blue bikini Alex was wearing, it was far skimpier than anything she would typically wear but Olivia was beyond happy Alex had chosen it. She leaned over and pressed a kiss to the younger woman's cheek.

Alex smiled when she felt Olivia's soft lips on her cheek "What was that for?" she turned and asked with a smile.

"You're beautiful, you're my wife and I love you very much."

Alex felt her heart skip a beat, just when she thought she couldn't love Olivia more the brunette always found a way to make her fall in love all over again. She took in the sight of the brunette her brown eyes shining with love, her gorgeous smile the one that was reserved only for her. Alex allowed her eyes to trace the curves of her wife's body; Olivia was in perfect shape but at the same time there was a softness about her that Alex loved. She leaned over to kiss Olivia's cheek "I love you very much too."

Olivia walked back out onto the deck with their drinks and quickly traded them for their camera. Alex was standing at the railing watching the sun as it began to slip into the ocean, the colors were reflecting perfectly on Alex's skin and she knew she had to capture the moment. She grinned when Alex turned and asked what she was doing. She walked over and pulled Alex close and held the camera up and took a picture of the two of them before setting it back on a chair. She walked over and wrapped her arms around the blonde and held her close "Do you have any idea how beautiful you are right now?"

"Not nearly as beautiful as you." Alex really replied.

Olivia began kissing Alex as she slowly began walking her backwards toward the ledge that dropped down to the water. She reached down and swept Alex into her arms. Alex opened her eyes and looked around "Liv don't you dare!" Olivia grinned before throwing Alex in the water and jumped in behind her. Alex splashed the brunette when they both surfaced "You are so in trouble sergeant."

Olivia watched as Alex climbed the ladder back to the bungalow, adding a seductive sway to her hips. She suddenly felt like she couldn't move. "Are you _coming_ soldier?" Alex called out over her shoulder.

"I hope so." Olivia said as she swam as quickly as she could toward the ladder. Twenty minutes later Olivia found herself lying on the bed with Alex straddling her. She reached out to run her hands along Alex's thighs but was surprised when Alex grabbed her hands and pinned them to the bed. Typically she was the one who took the lead but every now and then she liked to give up control and allow Alex to take the lead. She noticed the mischievous look in her wife's eyes "Alex?"

Alex grinned as she leaned in and placed her lips a breath away from Olivia's ear "This is your payback for throwing me in the water." She laughed inwardly as she felt Olivia's body tremble. She pulled back and looked Olivia in the eye "No touching." She grinned as Olivia groaned. Olivia was very hands on when it came to their love making and Alex knew it was going to kill the brunette to not be able to touch her but she had a plan. She placed a quick kiss to Olivia's lips before slowly working her way up Olivia's body.

Olivia gasped as she realized what was about to happen. As badly as she wanted to touch the woman above her she gripped the sheets as Alex straddled her head. "I love you." she whispered as Alex lowered her body down and reached down and began running her fingers through her hair. Olivia slowly ran her tongue along Alex's center, groaning at the taste and at the sound of Alex gasping.

"Oh Liv!" Alex cried out as she felt Olivia's tongue swirling around her center. She tangled her fingers tighter in Olivia's hair and tried to pull her closer. She knew it wouldn't be long when she felt Olivia pull her clit between her lips and begin swirling her tongue around it.

Olivia was going crazy not being able to touch her wife but she had to admit she was enjoying the show above her; Alex was slowly riding her while palming her breast with her free hand. Olivia increased the movements of her lips and tongue and nearly came herself when she watched Alex fly over the edge; her head thrown back, mouth open with no sound coming out.

"Oh fuck, Liv!" she cried out when she found her voice. She gasped as Olivia slowly brought her down and helped her lay down. "I love you."

Olivia pulled Alex to her for a kiss "As much as I love touching you that was amazing not being able to touch you."

Alex lightly ran her finger tips across Olivia's chest and abdomen, grinning as Olivia slowly jerked at the movements "I think somebody is on the edge."

"Please baby." Olivia begged.

Alex began kissing and licking her way around Olivia's breasts, she loved them and was not ashamed to admit it. She could feel the brunette trembling underneath her and loved the fact that she could cause such a reaction in the woman she loved.

"Alex please, I really need to come!" Olivia whined. She decided this was torture, sweet torture, but torture none the less.

Alex chuckled "Well since you really need to." She quickly slid her way down her wife's tan body and settled between her legs. She wrapped her arms around Olivia's thighs and held them as far apart as possible. "Beautiful." She whispered before running her tongue the length of Olivia's slit. Alex was taking her time but took pity on her wife and increased the speed of her movements when Olivia began begging for more. She ran her tongue around Olivia's clit before pulling the straining bundle of nerves between her lips and sending Olivia over the edge. Alex couldn't take her eyes off the sight in front of her; Olivia's eyes closed tightly, her mouth open and her back arching off the bed and calling out to several deities along with a few unintelligible words. Alex quickly crawled up the brunette's body and leaned in for a passionate kiss, their tongues dueling for control and both groaned at the taste of themselves on the other's lips.

"You are amazing!" Olivia panted out after they parted.

Alex chuckled "You're pretty amazing yourself!"

They settled down in the bed and held one another. After a little bit Olivia was the first to break the silence "I can't believe tomorrow is our last day here."

"I know," Alex sighed "But at the same time I can't wait to get back home and being able to enjoy a normal everyday life with you. You know; cleaning house, work, paying bills, grocery shopping." She grinned "Doesn't that sound boring?"

"I think it sounds perfect." Olivia said placing a quick kiss to her lips before settling down, sleep beginning to overtake her. "I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you Alex."


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Thank you for the reviews. Let me know what you think. I hope you enjoy!**

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Chapter 8

Three weeks. It had been three weeks since Alex and Olivia had returned from their honeymoon; three blissfully wonderful weeks, until now. Alex sat curled up in her favorite chair wiping her tears "Stupid, stupid, stupid!" she said as she began berating herself all over again. She stood and walked to their bedroom door and knocked cautiously "Olivia?" When she didn't get a reply she tried again "Olivia? Baby? Can I come in?"

"It's up to you." came Olivia's muffled reply.

Alex opened the door to their room and her heart froze when she saw Olivia sitting on the bed next to her open duffle. She began to panic and felt her head begin to spin, she was certain she was going to pass out "What are you doing?" she asked in a tearful voice.

Olivia kept her head down unable to look her wife in the eye. She shrugged her shoulders; it should be obvious what she was doing. Olivia was hurting but more than that she was angry.

"Olivia? What are you doing?" Alex asked again as she carefully made her way to where Olivia's side of the bed.

"What's it look like Alex?" she glanced at the still empty duffle before stealing a quick glance at the blonde "I can't stay here." It killed Olivia to say those words but she knew she couldn't stay in the apartment.

The air left Alex's lungs at the words. She mentally kicked herself again "No Olivia you can't, you can't leave."

"I think it would be best."

Alex took a seat in the chair across from her wife "Best for who Olivia? Best for you, for me? Olivia I'm a big girl and I know what's best for me and that's you."

"I just can't Alex." Olivia said still looking at the floor.

Alex was beyond angry with herself but she was beginning to become angry with her wife as well "So what, barely a month in and we're ending it? You're just going to throw in the towel and walk away from our marriage?"

"I'm not throwing in the towel Alex. It's just…if what you said is true, and I'm afraid it is, I can't stay here." She sighed "As much as I love you if me walking away is what's best for you then I'll do it."

Alex leaned back in the chair as she thought about what got them to this point; she'd never hated herself as much as she did in this moment.

_Alex walked into the apartment and dropped her purse and briefcase in the floor. She walked into the living room and smiled when she saw the brunette sitting on the couch. "Hey." She said as she leaned over for a welcome home kiss from her wife._

"_Hey yourself." Olivia melted into the kiss. "How was your day?"_

"_The usual; arraignments, arguing with detectives and buried in paperwork." She sighed "Thank God it's Friday, I'm more than ready to see this week be over." She kissed her wife again "I know I've come home late a lot this week but all I can think about is spending the weekend with you."_

_After Alex had changed and they had dinner Olivia led her to the living room. Alex quirked an eyebrow, asking her wife what she was up to. Olivia held up a small box "The dvd of our wedding came today. I was thinking we could watch it."_

_Alex grinned ear to ear "I'll get us some wine."_

_They sat on the couch watching the video; crying as they relived their ceremony and even laughing a few times as they watched the reception. "I think that was the best moment of my life." Olivia said after pulling back from a passionate kiss._

"_Mine too." Alex grinned again and began blushing slightly._

"_What?" Olivia chuckled and pressed a kiss to her wife's neck, lightly running her lips along her neck "Why are you blushing?"_

"_I was thinking about our honeymoon." She groaned as she felt Olivia's lips moving closer to her ear, her tongue occasionally darting out to brush her skin._

"_What about our honeymoon?" Olivia whispered._

"_I can't believe you made me have sex in public." She looked over when she felt Olivia pull away suddenly. "Liv?"_

_Olivia began to panic, the words 'you made me have sex' repeating over and over in her head. She felt bile rising in her throat at the thought. She looked at her wife and noticed the confused look on Alex's face "Oh God. Oh my God!" she said as she jumped up and began pacing the room._

_Alex couldn't figure out what had happened "Olivia? What's wrong? Did I say something?"_

"_I'm sorry Alex. I'm so, so sorry." _

"_Sorry for what?"_

_Olivia raced to the bathroom knowing she was about to be sick. She barely made it before losing her dinner. She knew Alex was standing in the doorway but she couldn't bring herself to look at her wife. When she was sure it had passed she began splashing water on her face then brushing her teeth. She once again began pacing the apartment, Alex following her trying to find out what was wrong. Olivia jumped when she felt Alex's hand on her arm. The touch that was always so warm and comforting, the touch she loved, suddenly Alex's hand was burning her skin. She pulled away and headed for their bedroom, tears welling in her eyes at the blonde's pleas to tell her what was wrong._

"_Olivia baby please tell me what's wrong. What did I do?" Alex begged, struggling to wipe her tears as she did so._

_Olivia whirled around as she stopped in the doorway "Don't you get it Alex? You didn't do anything. It's what I did." Olivia said as she began breaking down. Alex shook her head in confusion, completely unable to understand what her wife thought she had done. Olivia choked out a sob "I forced you to have sex. I raped you Alex!"_

Alex ran her hands through her hair as she thought about how quickly their evening had taken a turn downhill. If there was ever a moment she wished she could turn back time, or have kept her mouth shut now was that moment. She knew Olivia had always been terrified of her genes coming out, of turning into one of her parents. Alex just wasn't sure how to get through to her wife and convince her that she was wrong. "Olivia I promise you, you did not rape me." Olivia didn't look up "Look at me Olivia." She waited until the brunette finally looked at her. Alex's heart broke at the look of hurt, sadness and even disgust she saw in the brown eyes she loved so much. "You did not rape me."

"Then what do you call it Alex? You said it yourself, I made you have sex." Olivia wiped the tears that just wouldn't seem to stop. Her worst nightmare was coming true she was turning into her father, and if that wasn't bad enough it had happened while she was with Alex. She was dying on the inside and wished she had her weapon; there was no doubt in her mind that if she had her gun she would put a bullet through her head for hurting her wife. Alex was the last person on earth she would ever want to hurt and she had done just that. She couldn't stand the thought of leaving but if it meant Alex's safety she would do it.

Alex sighed and stepped over and stood in front of the brunette, reaching down and taking Olivia's hands in her own. Olivia pulled away but Alex wasn't giving in. She reached out and grabbed Olivia's hands pulling her up so they were looking eye to eye "Olivia I am so sorry, this is all my fault." Olivia was about to speak but Alex cut her off "No Olivia I've listened to what you think happened now I want you to listen to what really happened. Yes I said you made me have sex but no you did not rape me. I should've said it differently. If I didn't want to do it then I know that all I would've had to do was say no and that would've been the end of it. I know you would never force me and I also know that all I need to do is say no or stop and you will stop. Yes you did convince me to have sex in public but in no way did you make me, force me or rape me. I wanted to do it. Yes I was nervous but because I was with you I wanted to." She took a deep breath and smiled "Olivia there is something about you that makes me want to do things I've never done before." she stopped for a moment to wipe Olivia's tears "Olivia I love you more than anything in the world and I can't live without you, I won't live without you."

Olivia's heart swelled at Alex's words. She loved the blonde with all her heart and if she ever doubted Alex's love for her Alex had just wiped it all away. "Alex I can't live without you either but I'm so scared I'll turn into one of my parents. I couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt you. I've never loved someone as much as I love you and that's why I'm so scared. I've never had so much to lose. Alex what if I do turn into my parents? What if one day I do hurt you? I could never forgive myself and I know for sure I wouldn't be able to live with myself either. I'm so afraid of hurting you." she choked out.

Alex cupped Olivia's face in her hands and wiped her tears with her thumbs before lightly tracing her thumb over her lips "Olivia if I was afraid of you I would've never went on a date with you."

"Yeah but you didn't know about my past when you agreed to go on our first date."

"Okay you've got me there. However I know about your past now and if I was the least bit afraid I would've broken up with you, I would never have asked you to move in, accepted your proposal and I certainly wouldn't have married you." she cautiously leaned in and placed a feather light kiss to Olivia's lips. "You say you don't want to hurt me." Olivia nodded "Then don't leave. Olivia if you leave it will kill me that would hurt me more than anything. So I am begging you to please stay. Please Olivia. Just a few short weeks ago we promised through good and bad. This is just a slight bump in the road. You promised me Olivia, you promised you would always be by my side. I'm not giving you up without a fight." Alex was pleading, her tears streaming down her face. There was no way she was giving up the best thing that ever happened to her.

Olivia finally broke and pulled the blonde into her arms "I'm sorry Alex, I'm so sorry." She whispered over and over. She sobbed onto Alex's shoulder as she tried to convince herself that she hadn't hurt the blonde. "I'm just so scared. I'm so scared I'll hurt you one day."

"Olivia I promise you I am not afraid of you. Never have been, never will be."

Olivia looked into her wife's eyes and the honesty she saw there took her breath away. Alex really wasn't afraid of her. "I love you so much. Can you ever forgive me?"

"There's nothing to forgive." She reached around and pulled the covers down on the bed before stepping back in front of the brunette. She undressed before slowly undressing her wife. Alex lay down on the bed then reached out and pulled Olivia down on top of her. She could still see the hesitancy in Olivia's eyes "Olivia I love you, I trust you. You are in complete control."

While Olivia was used to taking the lead when they made love the thought that she could turn into her father was always in the back of her mind, but it had made its way to the forefront today. "Are you sure? All you have to do is say stop. I promise I'll stop."

"I know you will. Now make love to me Olivia, please."

In the early morning hours they lay curled around one another, Alex holding Olivia close. They had made love several times and Alex cried several times when she felt how much Olivia loved her. Olivia had cried as well when what Alex had said slowly began to sink in, she wasn't her father. Watching Alex give herself over completely and trust her to be in complete control allowed her to realize she wasn't the cruel, violent person she was terrified of becoming. Olivia rested her head on the blonde's shoulder and allowed Alex to hold her tight. She wrapped her arm around Alex's waist and placed a kiss to her shoulder "Thank you."

"For what?" Alex whispered as she ran her fingers through Olivia's hair while running her other hand up and down Olivia's back.

"For being you, for allowing me to see me the way you see me."

Alex placed her fingers under Olivia's chin and tilted her head so they were looking eye to eye "Olivia I see you for who you are. You are this kind, wonderful, caring person. You have dedicated your life to a career that requires you to put your life on the line for the entire country as well as people of other countries. You love me more than anyone ever has, you make me feel like I'm the most precious thing in the world and I will forever be grateful for that."

"Oh Alex." Olivia whispered as she pressed their lips together in a slow, loving kiss. "I make you feel that way because you are the most precious thing in the world." She grew quiet for a moment "I'm sorry I panicked like I did. It's just I've always been afraid of turning into one of my parent's, my father in particular, and I just immediately thought I had."

"That's understandable. I just never want to come in and see you about to pack your bags to leave. I love you with all my heart and I promise I'm not about to let you go without a fight." She smiled "And you've seen me in court I'm a hell of a fighter."

Olivia burst out laughing as she placed a quick kiss to the younger woman's lips "I know you are." She settled back down and began to relax as she felt Alex's fingertips lightly running along her arm "I love you." she whispered.

Alex lay there thinking about how they had weathered their first major road block in their marriage. They'd had fights before, and while this wasn't exactly a fight it could've had the power to tear them apart. Alex was more certain now than ever that she would fight with everything she had for their love, for their marriage. They had something rare, something that only came along once in a lifetime and Alex knew she wasn't about to let it go. She pulled Olivia closer, sighing as she felt Olivia's breath on her skin "I love you too."


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

'Can this week please be over?' Olivia wondered to herself as she ran down the trail that would lead back to base. She was on maneuvers with her unit and it was also the longest she and Alex had been apart since their wedding. She loved being in the Army but she loved Alex more. It was also her thoughts of the blonde that caused her to not hear their latest orders after their run, earning everyone a hundred pushups. She tried her best to apologize to her fellow soldiers but after a five mile run most were not too eager to hear her apology.

It had been two months since they had married and it had been the best time of both ladies lives. Alex was still with the DA's office, continuing to win cases and Olivia couldn't have been more proud of her wife. Olivia had taken a job doing security at a domestic violence shelter where she had volunteered in the past. After some encouraging from Alex she had begun training to be a rape crisis counselor and she had already been guaranteed a position at the shelter once her training was complete. Elliot had tried to convince Olivia to apply to the NYPD and she had given it consideration but seeing the look in Alex's eyes had changed her mind. Olivia knew Alex worried every day that they would receive the phone call saying that Olivia was being called up for active duty again. She also knew that Alex lived in fear when she was on a tour that something would happen to her. Olivia knew she couldn't put Alex through the fear and worry of her being a police officer but she couldn't stand the thought of not working and helping to provide for them. She had been so excited to be offered the job in security and while Alex worried about her it was nothing compared to the worry she would have if Olivia was an officer.

The biggest change to come in their relationship, and the most exciting to Olivia was their decision to start a family. They had begun doing research after returning from their honeymoon and had decided that Alex would carry. Olivia had always wanted a child of her own to show them all the love she had never received as a child but at the same time she was worried about passing on her genes to a child. They also agreed that considering their jobs it would be safer for Alex to be the one to carry. Alex also had her own concerns about carrying seeing that her mother had miscarried twice, once before Alex was born and once after. They were also looking into adoption in the event Alex wasn't able to carry their baby. The week before Olivia left to go on maneuvers she sat in an exam room holding Alex's hand as she underwent artificial insemination to become pregnant. Alex had insisted on finding a donor who shared the same physical traits as Olivia so there would be a chance of their baby looking like a combination of them both. This was also adding to Olivia's desire to be home. Alex wasn't allowed to take a pregnancy test for two weeks and the end of the week would make two weeks. She couldn't wait get home and find out if they were indeed pregnant or not.

Alex sat on their couch eating dinner as she read over files and motions. Their latest case was becoming more complicated by the minute. She smiled when she realized she had been unconsciously rubbing her hand over her belly. Alex knew it was too soon to know for sure if she was pregnant but she was counting the last few days until she could take the test. Unfortunately the first day she would be able to take a test Olivia would still be in North Carolina and Alex refused to take the test without her wife there with her. So she had accepted the fact she would have to wait an extra day.

Alex was so buried in her work she jumped when the phone rang. She didn't bother to look at the screen and groaned as she answered assuming it was one of her detectives. Her face instantly lit up when she heard the most wonderful voice in the world on the other end of the line.

"Hey beautiful."

Alex smiled; Olivia always greeted her that way when they spoke "Hey sexy."

Olivia chuckled "Well that's a lot to live up to." She waited a moment as Alex laughed at her comment "So how are you feeling?"

If how Olivia had treated her since the procedure was any indication of how she would treat her during a pregnancy, Alex knew she would be taken care of very well. "I'm fine. A little tired but I'm fine."

Olivia grinned ear to ear "Tired huh? Tired is a sign of pregnancy."

"It's still too early to know Sergeant." They went about talking about what Olivia had been doing and how Alex's case was going.

As Olivia listened to Alex tell her about the newest turns her case was taking she began to get an uneasy feeling in her stomach. She had worried about the stress on Alex as well as the baby if Alex was indeed pregnant. The feeling she had now was worse though. After finding out they were looking at involvement from a Colombian cartel Olivia began to worry about her wife's safety. She had asked Alex to consider dropping the case but Alex had refused. Olivia knew asking Alex to drop her case would be like asking her to leave the army. "I can't wait to come home and hold you." Olivia said as their time began drawing to a close.

"I can't wait either. You'll still be home Friday night?"

"As far as I know. If anything changes I'll let you know but right now I'm scheduled to catch a plane Friday afternoon."

Alex laughed "Sounds good. You know Friday will make two weeks so I've already got plans for us for Saturday morning."

Olivia smiled as she knew what the blonde meant "I can't wait. Please be careful. I love you Alex."

"I will. I love you too."

* * *

Olivia could barely hold back her excitement as she walked down the hall of their building. She had wanted to surprise the blonde and didn't tell her that she would be home on Thursday night and not Friday. She entered the apartment and was a little disappointed to see Alex wasn't home yet, but since Olivia was gone she knew Alex was more likely to work over. She went to the bedroom, changed clothes and lay down on the bed waiting for her wife to come home.

Alex entered the apartment, aggravated and exhausted. The longer the Zapata case went on the more frustrated she became. She wanted nothing more than to curl up in Olivia's arms but she wouldn't be home till the next day so Alex resigned herself to one more night alone. She began unbuttoning her blouse as she walked into their bedroom and turned on the light. She gasped when she took in the sight before her, Olivia propped up in bed wearing nothing but the white lacy bra and panty set Alex had given her for Christmas.

Olivia grinned ear to ear "Honey, I'm home!"

Alex wasted no time rushing to her wife's side and pressing their lips together. "What are you doing here?! I mean I'm more than happy that you're home but I didn't think you would be home till tomorrow night."

Olivia reveled in the feel of Alex's soft lips against her own, the feeling of her skin under her hands "Originally it was Friday but it was changed to today and I decided to surprise you."

"Well I'm definitely surprised." She sat up and quickly stripped down to her bra and panties "I'm also in the mood for something I haven't had for a week." She said as she straddled her wife and pressed their lips together.

A couple hours later as they lay wrapped in one another's arms Alex jumped up suddenly, taking Olivia by surprise "What's wrong?"

"It's Friday, it's been two weeks. I can take the pregnancy test!" she said excitedly as she pulled on a t-shirt and headed to the bathroom.

Olivia pulled on a shirt as well and followed "Do you need me to do anything?"

Alex turned and placed a hand on her wife's chest "I think I can pee on a stick by myself Liv." she said with a chuckle. After taking the test she walked out and sat down on the bed next to Olivia "Three minutes."

Olivia sighed as she took Alex's hand in her own and laid back across the bed "This is gonna be the longest three minutes of my life." she turned to face the blonde "No matter what this says I love you more than anything in the world."

"I love you too." Alex wondered like she had many times over the last few years what she had done to get so lucky to have Olivia in her life. She was lost in Olivia's eyes when she heard the timer go off. She walked over and reached and pulled the test off the sink and walked back over to sit next to Olivia. She took a deep breath as Olivia took her hand. Olivia could feel her insides shaking she was nervous and excited. She looked to Alex and nodded that she was ready to see the results. Nothing could've prepared them for what they saw "Pregnant." Alex stuttered out. She looked up with teary eyes and was met with Olivia's teary eyes as well "I'm pregnant. We're pregnant!"

Olivia held Alex's hand tight as she slid her free hand to the back of her head and pulled her in for a passionate kiss "I love you." she whispered in between kisses. She dropped to her knees and lifted Alex's shirt before placing light kisses all over her stomach "I love you. We're your Mommies and we love you so much." They made love again before finally falling asleep, the moment so emotional and powerful they both cried as their release took over.

The next morning Alex called the clinic they had used and was told to come in for a blood test. She and Olivia laughed and cried again as the doctor told them the blood test confirmed what the home test had said, Alex was indeed pregnant. Alex had to chuckle at how overprotective Olivia had become just overnight. She kept her arm around her waist, walking between her and the street and anytime it seemed someone was getting a little too close Olivia would pull Alex closer and put herself between Alex and the other person. Olivia escorted Alex to her office; making sure to give Alex a lingering kiss goodbye as well as placing one on her still flat stomach.

Olivia made it to the shelter just in time for her shift and couldn't wipe the smile off her face for the rest of the day. Several of her coworkers asked why she was so happy but she didn't tell them, she and Alex had decided to keep the pregnancy a secret until she was a little further along. Olivia called Alex and asked if she would be free for lunch but Alex couldn't get away. She had to be in court that afternoon and she needed to prepare.

After her shift Olivia went to the courthouse to escort Alex home and possibly get dinner. She, Alex and Elliot were standing outside the courtroom when the DEA agent Alex had been working with came up to them. Olivia felt the air leave her lungs when he informed them that a threat had been made against Alex's life. She reached out and wrapped her arm around her wife's waist and pulled her close. Alex was beginning to shake until she felt Olivia's strong arms around her. She was still scared, and even a little angry, but knowing Olivia was there eased her just a bit.

They sat in a conference room at the DEA's office. Alex was slowly beginning to panic as she listened to the intercepted phone call. These people knew all about her. They knew where she and Olivia lived; they knew where she worked, where she went running. She felt her blood run cold when the one man told the other where her mother lived and that maybe he should visit her too. Never in her life had she imagined her job could put her in this much danger let alone her mother. She looked to Olivia for support and even though she could tell Olivia was trying to be strong for her she knew her wife was terrified, she could see it in her eyes.

Olivia was trained to be in dangerous situations, trained to remain calm when faced with life threatening situations but nothing could prepare her for this. While she was scared beyond belief that someone was threating Alex's life as well as her mother's, Olivia was also furious. She wanted nothing more than to get her hands on these people and make sure they never hurt another person. She was even more concerned now that Alex was pregnant, not only was her wife's life in danger so was her unborn child's. She kept Alex's hand securely in hers and hoped that while she was a nervous wreck on the inside she was communicating strength and support to Alex. When Agent Donavan was through playing the tape Olivia spoke up "Okay first thing we do is get you a protective detail." She looked to Elliot who nodded. Olivia knew she could and would protect her wife at all costs but she would feel more comfortable knowing there was someone else watching out for her as well.

Agent Donavan told her that someone could be there within the hour but Alex wanted nothing but to go home and curl up in Olivia's arms. To Alex there was nowhere safer or more comforting than Olivia's arms. The three of them walked from the building and headed to the car as Elliot was planning how they would safely get them home. All three jumped when Agent Donavan ran from the building trying to catch them. Alex jumped as her name was called while Olivia pushed Alex behind her and Elliot pulled his gun. The agent informed Alex that if necessary he would go to Judge Petrovsky and testify in court if that was what was necessary.

Alex and Olivia were walking toward the squad car when and explosion rocked the street knocking them both to the ground. Olivia tried her best to shield her wife but as they sat up she realized Alex had received a few cuts to her face and hands. Olivia felt herself beginning to slip into a flashback of her time in Afghanistan but had to fight it with everything she had to focus on protecting her wife.

Alex sat in the back of the ambulance staring at the burned out car and the covered remains of Agent Donavan. She was always scared while Olivia was overseas but she had never known fear like she felt at that moment. She saw Agent Hammond making his way toward her and she steeled herself for what he was about to say. Luckily Elliot and Olivia stepped in and urged him to back off. Olivia had tried to convince her to go to the hospital but Alex insisted she was fine and simply wanted to go home. After driving by a few times and making sure nothing looked out of the ordinary they finally headed up to their apartment. Elliot checked the apartment over several times before finally leaving. Olivia had been his friend for years and Alex had become a friend as well, he wasn't about to leave until he was sure they were safe. The doorman was informed no one was to go up to their apartment without their permission and nothing was to be delivered without being checked out first. There was also a protective detail posted in front of their building and Alex's mother had been informed of what was going on and received a detail as well.

Olivia ran a bath for them and sat holding Alex as she slowly allowed all the emotions from the day to wash over her. It had started out as the best day when they found out they were going to have a baby, only to find out by the end of the day that a hit had been placed on her. She cried as she worried about herself but she was also concerned for her mother, for Olivia as well as their unborn baby. "I guess the tables are turned now, huh?" she whispered.

"What do you mean?" Olivia asked as she continued to allow her fingers to trail along Alex's stomach.

"Well you're the one with the dangerous life threatening job and I'm always so worried about you, and now I'm the one with the life threatening job." She tilted her head to look Olivia in the eye "I'm sorry to worry you like this Liv I really am."

Olivia placed a kiss to her temple "Hey don't apologize. You're going to be fine; I refuse to allow anything to happen to you. You're right though, now I know how you feel when I'm overseas and I'm so sorry I've put you through all that worry and fear."

Alex gave her a slight smile "Hey don't apologize. While I worry myself to death when you're gone I wouldn't trade our life together for anything in the world."

After their bath Olivia double checked all the doors and windows before they climbed into bed. Olivia pulled Alex into her arms and held her tight "I love you." she whispered.

"I love you too."

Sometime in the early morning hours Alex woke but was unsure what had woken her. She glanced over and saw Olivia sound asleep next to her and she relaxed a bit knowing her soldier was right there to protect her. She was about to roll over and curl up closer to Olivia when she felt it. She pulled the sheet back and looked down and began to panic. "Olivia! Olivia wake up!"

Olivia jolted awake "What's wrong?" she saw the panicked look on Alex's face and the tears in her eyes. She switched the lamp on and turned back to face the blonde. She followed Alex's gaze and felt her heart clinch at the sight.

Alex looked at the blood on her thighs and the sheets and her heart broke "No, no, no, this cant' be happening." She cried.

Olivia quickly pulled on a pair of sweats and a jacket before helping Alex clean up a bit "We're going to the hospital."

"The baby." Alex repeated over and over as Olivia carried her to the elevator and called the protective detail to let them know they would be leaving the apartment. "I lost our baby." Alex cried as Olivia held her tighter.

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**A/N: I guess you can tell what's coming. All I'll say is hang on. Thank you for the reviews, favs and follows. Let me know what you think. I hope you enjoyed!**


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Olivia sat alone in the dark apartment; the rain pounding against the window matched her tears that were falling. She stared at the two little onsies in her hands, one pink one blue. The day they had found out Alex was pregnant Olivia couldn't help herself and ran out and bought them on her lunch break. She had planned on giving them to Alex that evening but considering the turn of events that had taken place later in the day she never had the chance. She neatly folded them and placed them back in the bag before placing the bag on the top shelf of her side of the closet where Alex wouldn't find them. She had briefly considered returning them but that made it all the more final. She decided to keep them in the hopes that one day they would have a baby who could wear them. They'd had a brief few hours of joy knowing they were going to have a baby, but that joy had been snuffed out like a candle when Alex woke her in the middle of the night bleeding. The doctor confirmed their worst fear that Alex had in fact miscarried; chalking it up to stress, falling to the ground after Agent Donovan's car exploded as well as the fact her mother had a couple miscarriages. Olivia wiped her tears as she went to the bathroom where she splashed water on her face to help her calm down.

Olivia grabbed a beer from the refrigerator and sat on the couch as she thought about everything that had gone on in their lives over the past few days. She had somehow managed to convince Alex to take the day after the explosion and the miscarriage off but she had insisted on going to work today. Olivia had offered to go with her, if for no other reason than to ease her own mind about her wife's safety but again Alex refused. So now Olivia found herself sitting in their apartment anxiously waiting for Alex to come home. In a small way she was grateful for the time alone, she had spent the last few days staying strong for Alex that she hadn't had a chance to break down. She was finally allowing all the pent up emotions to come out. She had gone to the gym in their building and took out all her anger, fear and frustration on the equipment until she could barely drag herself back to the apartment. When she stepped under the hot spray of the shower that's when the sadness took over and she allowed her tears to freely fall. She was crying out of fear for Alex, for the situation they found themselves in, and she was also grieving the loss of their baby. Granted they only knew about the baby for less than twenty four hours but in that time Olivia had already began wondering who it would look like, what it would be like to hold the infant in her arms, and even planned out most of the child's life. Her heart was breaking.

Alex rode the elevator in silence. She knew if she had called Olivia would have come down and escorted her upstairs but part of her just wanted a few more minutes away from the brunette. It shocked Alex to feel that way, she never in her life imagined that she would want to be away from Olivia. It wasn't so much wanting to be away from her it was that Olivia was so worried about her, and while Alex more than appreciated it she also felt smothered. She wanted Olivia holding, loving her, telling her everything was going to be okay but in ways she also needed time alone. She needed time to process everything that was happening and she also needed time to grieve the loss of her baby. She knew Olivia was grieving as well and she hoped their time apart today had allowed them both some time to heal.

Alex smiled when the elevator came to a stop and Fin stepped off in front of her checking the hallway before allowing her off. She was so grateful for her detectives. She had told them that they didn't have to help with the case the DA's office had investigators who could, but as Fin pointed out they were 'a bunch of punks'. Alex wouldn't admit it but she secretly agreed with Fin. She had planned on being taken home by her detail but was grateful when Fin 'just happened' to show up and offer to take her home. She smiled when she walked into the apartment and saw Olivia sitting on the couch. Fin left after making both ladies promise that if they needed him for anything to call. They made small talk as Alex changed clothes and Olivia offered to fix dinner which drew a chuckle from the blonde. Both knew they needed to talk but both were unsure of how to say what they wanted to say. They ordered in from one of their favorite restaurants and ate their dinner in relative silence. After cleaning up Olivia fixed them both a cup of tea and took it in to Alex who was curled up on the couch. Olivia had to smile at the sight of Alex wearing one of her Army sweatshirts. She took a few minutes to compose her thoughts before speaking; she knew what she wanted to say she just hoped it wouldn't backfire on her.

"Alex we need to talk." she said sounding more confident than she felt.

"About what?"

"I want you to drop this case."

"Olivia we've been through this." Alex sighed.

Olivia took a deep breath and steeled her nerves "I know we have. That's why I'm telling you to drop the case."

Alex raised her eyebrows as she sat up and sat her cup down. "You're telling me?"

"Yes Alex I'm telling you. I'm not asking you, I'm telling you to drop this case." Olivia watched the expression Alex's face change and she couldn't help but wonder how much damage she had just done to her marriage.

"You're telling me?!" Alex almost shouted as she jumped from the couch and began pacing the room "You're telling me? Are you fucking kidding me? Just who the hell do you think you are Olivia?" Alex knew if she hadn't been under so much stress she wouldn't have snapped the way she did. She had never imagined Olivia would be ordering her what to do.

Olivia walked over till they were looking eye to eye "I'm your wife Alex. I love you more than anything in the world and I can't stand by and let you get killed. I won't do it! Now maybe it sounds demanding on my part and I don't mean for it to but it's how I feel. Alex I'm scared. I'm terrified that something is going to happen to you. I can't lose you." she said as she finally broke.

As angry as Alex was at Olivia demanding she drop the case she couldn't help but soften a little at the look of fear and hurt on the brunette's face. "Olivia I…" she was cut off before she could finish.

Now that the emotions were flowing Olivia couldn't stop "Alex we're young, we're so young! We have our whole lives ahead of us. Please I just…" she ran her hands through her hair as she turned and began to pace. When she turned back to face the blonde her heart broke as she imagined everything that could possibly happen to her wife. "Alex you have got to drop this case. You have too. Please Alex you have to drop it."

"Olivia in all the time we've been together I never imagined you would tell me what to do." she wiped her tears "Are you still adamant I drop this case?"

Olivia gave her a sincere look "Yes, I am."

Alex nodded "Well then you'll be glad to know that Branch called me to his office today and told me that we are handing the case over to the Feds." Olivia breathed a sigh of relief but could tell Alex wasn't finished yet. "I guess he is just another person who thought that he knew what was best for me. I guess he too doesn't have enough faith in me to prosecute this case."

"Hey." Olivia said as she pulled Alex into her arms "I have faith in you. You are the best prosecutor the DA's office has." She placed her hand under Alex's chin and pulled Alex's head up so they were looking eye to eye. Alex kept her eyes downcast "Look at me baby." she whispered. She smiled when Alex met her gaze. She lightly placed her hand on the blonde's face and ran her thumb across her cheek "I have more faith in you than anyone else in the world. I believe in you Alex. There's not a doubt in my mind that you could prosecute and win this case. It's the other people I worry about. These are dangerous people Alex. They will stop at nothing to protect their interests." She grinned "Even the Ice Queen doesn't scare them."

Alex laughed lightly "I'm sorry. I know you believe in me but I've never been one to back down or give up and I hate that I have to do that now."

"I know you do. I'd feel the same way if it was me. I'd also be upset if you tried to tell me I couldn't do something just like you're upset with me."

"I'm sorry I blew up like I did."

Olivia led her over to her favorite chair and pulled Alex down into her lap "I know you are and I'm sorry for demanding that you drop it."

"Don't be. I can't say I wouldn't do the same thing if the situation was reversed." Olivia raised an eyebrow causing Alex to laugh. "What else should we expect with as stubborn as we both are?"

"I want you to know I wasn't trying to control you I'm just so afraid of losing you. We've…" she sighed and wiped the tears that had begun again "We've already lost so much because of this case." She let her hand rest gently on Alex's stomach "I couldn't bear to lose you too."

Alex wiped her own tears as she looked down at Olivia's hand "I know and I blame myself for losing our baby. Maybe if I'd listened to you in the first place it wouldn't have happened. I'm so sorry Liv."

"Hey, hey, it's not your fault." Olivia whispered as she ran her fingers through Alex's hair. "It could be any number of reasons. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be this time. It doesn't mean I'm not upset about it. I was already head over heels in love with him or her and I'm grieving just the same as you. We can't shut each other out Alex."

Alex melted into Olivia's embrace as they both allowed their emotions to take over. They were grieving the loss of their baby but they were also allowing the anger and fear over the threat to Alex's life to come out. They spent the rest of the evening curled up in the chair together holding one another as they allowed their hearts to heal together.

* * *

Alex, Olivia and Elliot sat in a bar not far from their apartment; drowning their sorrows together. Elliot watched his friend and her wife; he knew something other than the case was bothering them he just wasn't sure what it was. He'd tried asking Olivia when Alex had gone to the restroom but she wouldn't tell him. She did however assure him that they were okay. After a little longer Alex announced she was ready to leave. She wanted to go home, curl up in Olivia's arms and forget the last couple weeks had ever happened. It had been miserable the only bright spot being the several hours that they knew they were expecting a baby. She knew Olivia wanted to bring up children again but had yet to do so. Alex also wanted to discuss children but she decided to wait. She was planning on maybe bringing it up that weekend. It was Olivia's weekend off and the only plans they had was being together, and both were looking forward to it. Elliot asked if they would like a ride but Alex refused they weren't far from home and she felt like walking. She was smiling at Olivia and reaching for her hand when she felt a searing pain in her shoulder. She felt Olivia next to her as they both hit the pavement and she barely registered the look of fear in the brown eyes she loved so much. She could feel Olivia's hand pressing against her and could hear her wife repeating her name and begging her to stay with her. Alex was doing everything in her power to hold onto Olivia's voice but she couldn't fight off the darkness when as it began to take over.

"Alex. Alex. Alex." Olivia repeated over and over as she pressed her hands onto the wound trying to stop the bleeding. The blood seeping from Alex's shoulder was warm against her hands that had grown cold with fear. She was yelling for someone, anyone to call an ambulance.

The next little bit seemed to fly by but in slow motion. Olivia held Alex's hand and begged her not to leave her as the paramedics did everything in their power to save her. Once sitting in the ER waiting room she stared at her blood soaked hands as she cried. Elliot wrapped his arms around his friend and held her. He couldn't imagine how it would feel if he was in Olivia's shoes and it was Kathy in a life or death situation. He could hear Olivia mumbling Alex's name, how much she loved her and begging her not to go. It was breaking his heart, Olivia had always had a rough life and Alex was the best thing to ever happen to her. In all the years he'd known the brunette he'd never seen her as happy as she was after meeting Alex.

Olivia was grateful for Elliot being there with her but she wished her mother in law was there. She loved Caroline like she was her own mother and Caroline treated her as her own daughter, she wished she was there to lean on. Caroline had been notified of the shooting but was attending a friend's anniversary party in Westchester County so her detail was doing their best to get her to the hospital.

As the minutes turned into hours Olivia was growing more nervous. The detectives from the one-six had arrived to show their support, as well as Liz Donnelly. Olivia had asked for updates but was told Alex was still in surgery. Liz and Capt. Cragen both had used every trick up their sleeve to get information but to no avail. Finally a little over two hours after arriving at the hospital a nurse entered the room "Benson family?"

Olivia stood and she and Caroline, who had just arrived, were led back to a private room. They held one another as they waited for the doctor. When the doctor, who appeared to be in her late thirties, entered the room Olivia squeezed her mother in law's hand tighter.

"I'm Dr. Johnson." She said extending her hand.

Olivia cleared her throat "Olivia Benson, I'm Alex's wife and this is her mother Caroline." She wiped her tears "How is Alex?"

"Mrs. Benson your wife was brought in with a gunshot wound to her shoulder. The bullet fragmented when it hit the bone. One of the fragments severed an artery which we rushed her into surgery to repair." She took a deep breath before continuing.

As Olivia listened she began shaking and felt her chest tightening. She heard Caroline begin crying again but it was as if she was unable to process what the doctor was saying. She looked at the older woman with a confused look "What?"

"Your wife lost a lot of blood Mrs. Benson, we did everything we could. I'm so sorry but she didn't make it."

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**A/N: *insert L&O order sound here* Don't hate me. Thank you for the reviews. I hopefully won't leave you hanging to long I plan to have the next chapter up in the next couple days. Let me know what you think. I hope you enjoyed!**


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Numb. That was the only way Olivia could describe how she was feeling, numb. She wasn't sure how much time had passed since the doctor had told them Alex had died, and in all honesty it didn't matter. All that mattered was her wife was dead. Alex was never coming home again. She was aware of Caroline still crying next to her and Elliot sitting on her other side trying to comfort her. She kept thinking how young Alex was; twenty nine was far too young to go. She also kept thinking she was too young to be a widow. She is thirty one; no one should be a widow at thirty one. Given her career Olivia had always been prepared to go first. While she always hated the thought of possibly leaving Alex behind she had accepted that there might come a time she wouldn't come home to the blonde. Now the situation was reversed and it was Alex who wouldn't be coming home to her.

Elliot ran his hand soothingly along Olivia's back "Olivia? Liv?" she barely looked up at him. "Liv when you're ready I'll take you and Mrs. Cabot home."

Olivia shook her head no "I can't Elliot, I can't." she looked up as she began sobbing all over again "I can't leave her here Elliot. I have to see her again."

Elliot nodded "Okay I'll ask if they'll let you see her."

Olivia leaned into her mother in law as Elliot went to find a nurse. "I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry." She cried as the older woman wrapped her in her arms.

"This isn't your fault Olivia." Caroline whispered through her tears.

"Yes it is! If I'd reacted just a little quicker maybe it would've missed her. I should've protected her. It's my job to protect her!"

Caroline's heart was broken but she knew Olivia's was as well "Olivia sweetheart, this is not your fault. No one blames you, and if Alex was here she wouldn't blame you either. I know my daughter pretty well and I'm sure she would be kicking your ass right now for you blaming yourself."

A ghost of a smile came across Olivia's face "I know she would," she sighed "It still doesn't make it hurt any less." She looked up when Dr. Johnson reentered the room with Elliot.

"Is there something I can do for you Mrs. Benson?"

Olivia wiped her tears as she stood "Um yes. I um, uh…I would like to see Alex."

She seemed to pause before answering and Elliot noticed, he also noticed the look in her eyes. He knew Olivia nor her mother in law saw it but he did, he was trained to catch little things like that. "Um I don't think that would be such a good idea."

"Why not?" Olivia asked, slightly confused.

"Well it would probably be best if you waited until she is at the funeral home. She hasn't been cleaned up yet and it can be very traumatizing to see a loved one in this condition."

Olivia stood a little straighter "I am in the Army I have seen things you could only imagine. I've been in an ambush and had to help carry my fellow soldiers who had died."

"Yes but not your wife."

Olivia stepped closer "I want to see her."

Elliot and Caroline both stepped in when they saw that Olivia was about to lose it. "Liv let me talk to her." Elliot said calmly as Caroline pulled Olivia off to the side. Elliot stepped into the hall with the doctor. "Look I understand you want to protect them and I appreciate that and I know Olivia does too, she just can't show it. What I don't understand is why she can't see her. It was a gunshot wound to the shoulder. Couldn't you just cover her up, you know to like her neck and allow them to see her?"

Dr. Johnson looked nervous and shook her head "I'm sorry detective but I can't."

Elliot narrowed his eyes slightly; she was hiding something "Why can't you?"

"I'm not trying to be rude or insensitive. I am deeply sorry for their loss but I have US Marshall's as well as a DEA agent all over me about this case. I was told that this is a federal case and no one is to have access to the body."

Now Elliot really knew something was off. He thanked her for her time and headed out to find Donnelly and Cragen. He informed them of the situation. While he went back to attend to Olivia and Mrs. Cabot Donnelly and Cragen began working every connection they had to find out what was going on. By the time he got back Olivia was demanding to see whoever was in charge of the case. "Liv you've got to calm down." he said as he tried holding her back.

"I can't, I have to see her Elliot." She began sobbing again "She's not dead Elliot, she can't be!"

Alex sat alone in a private room. The pain in her shoulder was excruciating but she was refusing the pain medicine. "You must be out of your mind." She almost shouted at the Marshall in her room as well as Agent Hammond. "If you think for one second I'm leaving my life, my family, my wife behind; well you're crazier than I thought you were."

"Mrs. Cabot." Hammond began but was cut off.

"It's Benson, jackass." She seethed.

Agent Hammond sighed and looked down "Okay Mrs. Benson. What part of this do you not get? Your life is in danger! These people want to kill you, and were almost successful I might add." He was about to step closer but the look on the blonde's face told him not to "Going into witness protection is the only option."

"No, there is never just one option." She stared at him with the look she used for the scum she prosecuted "For one I refuse to go without Olivia. If I go she goes."

The Marshall stepped forward "Mrs. Benson I'm sorry but she can't go. Her life isn't in danger," he paused seeming to gather his nerve "And your marriage isn't legal."

Alex was in pain but she was tempted to jump from the bed and punch him "We were legally married in Massachusetts. New York may not recognize it yet but it is legal."

"Ma'am I understand but as of right now the federal government does not recognize your marriage as legal. It would also be a dead giveaway that you are hiding if suddenly your wife disappeared as well. We can declare you legally dead and no one will ever be the wiser, but we can't do the same with her. I am sorry."

Alex shook her head "I want to see her. If I'm going to have to leave her for God knows how long I want to see her again. I want her to know I'm okay. I can't let her go on thinking I'm dead."

"No. I won't allow it." Hammond said.

"Then I guess I'm not going anywhere." Alex said defiantly.

Olivia was pacing the hallway trying to find out who was in charge when she felt Elliot grab her arm "Olivia you gotta stop, this isn't getting you anywhere."

"Elliot I'm not leaving until they let me see her." She said as she jerked away from him.

"Mrs. Benson?" a man who appeared to be a little older than her asked as he approached them. Olivia nodded "I've been asked to escort you home."

"I said I'm not leaving!" Olivia took off down a different hallway. She knew part of her was being irrational but she just couldn't accept the fact that Alex was dead. She wouldn't accept it until she saw her wife's body. She didn't know why they couldn't understand that. She was crying again and wasn't paying attention to where she was going until she ran into someone. "I'm sorry." She mumbled until she looked up at the person she'd just run into. "You?"

Agent Hammond startled slightly "What are you doing here?"

"I should've known you were involved somehow. Now where is Alex? I want to see her! I just want to see her one last time."

"She's not here."

"What do you mean she's not here? Where is she?"

"The body has already been released."

Olivia felt her anger rising. "What do you mean the body's been released? First of all her name is Alex. Second I am her next of kin, her emergency contact and her medical power of attorney; if she was to be released to anyone it was to be me."

Alex sat up slightly; she could've sworn she heard Olivia's voice. She shook her head and laid back it had to be the pain messing with her mind.

Elliot finally caught up to his friend. He wrapped his arms around her, the look in her eyes told him she was on the verge of a complete meltdown. "Come on Liv."

"No Elliot. I can't, I just can't." she took a step toward the wall and slowly slid down it as the force of her sobs shook her body. "I love you Alex." Olivia began whispering over and over to know one in particular "I'll love you forever Alex." She was jolted from her thoughts when she felt hands on her arms. She looked up to see the young man from earlier and Hammond.

"You need to go." Hammond said as he pulled her to her feet.

"Get your hands off of me!"

"Hey let her go asswipe." Elliot shouted as he pulled Olivia from their grasp.

Alex perked up again. If she didn't know any better she could've swore she heard Elliot's voice. She slid to the foot of the bed and strained to hear the voices coming from the hallway. She paused for a second, worried that it may not be the people who were protecting her outside her room. She was sure she heard Agent Hammond's voice "Agent Hammond?" she yelled.

Everyone in the hall froze. Olivia looked to Elliot, her expression one of shock and surprise as all the color drained from her face. She would know her wife's voice anywhere and she was certain she just heard Alex's voice. Part of her thought it was her mind playing tricks on her but the look of shock on Elliot's face said he'd heard it as well. Olivia looked towards the door where the voice had come from. She took off running toward it when one of the Marshall's tried to grab her. As she burst through the door nothing in the world could've prepared her for the sight in front of her, there sitting in the bed was Alex. Alex was alive. "Alex?" she whispered as her knees went weak and she stumbled to keep her balance. "You're alive? You're not dead?"

Alex began crying at the sight of Olivia in front of her "No, I'm not dead. What made you think I was dead?"

"They told us you had died." Olivia said as she made her way over and took a seat next to the blonde before her legs gave out on her. She gently wrapped Alex in her arms and buried her face in her wife's neck. She began sobbing all over again as she inhaled Alex's scent and allowed it to sink in that she was indeed alive. "I love you. I love you so much. Don't ever leave me again."

Alex wrapped her good arm around Olivia and held her tight "I won't. I promise. I'll never leave you." Alex leaned to look around the brunette "You told them I was dead?" she grew furious when Hammond along with the Marshall looked to the ground. "What the hell is wrong with you people? I had not agreed to witness protection. You had no right to tell my family I was dead!"

"We had no choice."

"You son of a bitch!" Olivia shouted as she launched herself at Hammond and took him to the ground. She knew she'd landed a couple good punches before she was surrounded by people and Elliot was pulling her off the older man. Elliot jumped in Hammond's face as he stood "So help me God if you press charges against her." He whispered in a serious tone.

The first Marshall stepped forward "Mrs. Ca-, I mean Mrs. Benson." He waited till he held both ladies attention. "We have gotten word that the car that the shooter was in has been found and the shooter captured. Now as long as you're here we can relatively guarantee your safety. However we need to come up with something more long term."

"I've already told you I'm not going into witness protection."

"Alex maybe you should consider it." she allowed Olivia to hold her tight.

Alex's eyes went wide "Olivia no, if I go we'll be separated. They already told me that you can't go with me. I won't go anywhere without you."

The Marshall's stepped off to the side and began speaking in hushed tones. After a few minutes Elliot stepped over to the bed "It turns out when I was shooting at the car as it fled I hit a tire. They found the car eight blocks away and the driver and shooter hiding in an abandoned warehouse a couple blocks from there. The shooter's name is Liam Conners, that's all we know right now." He stepped back over to where the Marshall's were talking to allow the ladies time together.

"How are you feeling?" Olivia asked as she looked at Alex's bandaged shoulder.

"I've been better." She mused. She looked into Olivia's eyes and saw the hurt and fear that was still there. "Liv I'm sorry. I should've listened to you from the beginning and dropped this case."

Olivia ran her fingers through Alex's hair and stared into her eyes. She vowed right then and there that she would never again take having Alex in her life for granted. "Alex you can't blame yourself. Just like your Mom told me I can't blame myself for not protecting you, although I still do."

"Don't you dare blame yourself Olivia." She kissed her lightly, both crying again as their lips touched. "I want to see Mom." She motioned at Elliot "Get my Mom in here."

"I'm still scared Alex. I'm still scared they're going to come after you again. I thought I had lost you this evening. I kept thinking how I would never get to fall asleep next to you again, see your face when I woke up, watch you dance as you make dinner when you think I'm not watching." She grinned.

"Olivia we'll figure something out, but I refuse to go into witness protection. Even if you were allowed to go I still didn't want to but I refuse to go without you."

When Caroline entered the room all three ladies dissolved into tears again. They held one another, grateful they were able to do so again. Olivia stepped back to allow mother and daughter a moment together. She pulled Elliot to the side. "What's going on?" Elliot was about to lead her into the hallway but Olivia shook her head "I'm not letting her out of my sight. Especially with them here." She said as she glanced at the men huddled in one corner of the room. She was still convinced they would try and whisk Alex away.

They stood in the opposite corner, Olivia's eyes never leaving her wife. Elliot watched Olivia's expression, he was so glad he was on her side. "Like I said they've got the shooter and driver of the car. From what they've gathered Connors is a contract killer for the cartel. They are already tracing his phone calls and they won't tell me what but they said they do have a few leads." He paused to watch the other men before leaning and whispering. "I'm not even supposed to know this but that guy," he nodded toward a guy who was about his age "He's DEA. He told me they have two guys undercover in Velez's inner circle. He said they had been getting close to a take down when this case happened." Olivia's eyes went wide. "Now he agrees Alex needs to be in protective custody but he said he would be willing to push for her to be taken to a safe house when released. He also said he would push to have you with her."

Olivia began to see a glimmer of hope at the end of the tunnel at Elliot's words. Alex could be hidden, safe, and they could be together. She walked back over and took a seat on the bed leaning in and whispering to Alex everything Elliot just told her. She noticed the look of hope in Alex's eyes as well. They were holding one another when the same doctor from earlier returned. She looked to Olivia then Caroline "Ladies please accept my sincerest apology. It went against everything I believe but Agent Hammond told me that Alex was going into witness protection and that she was going to be declared legally dead. I was told to inform the family of her passing." She looked to Alex "If I had known you had not agreed I would've never gone along with it."

All three nodded "They tricked all of us." Olivia said as she glared at the men in the corner of the room. She sat up straighter and tightened her grip on Alex's waist as the agent Elliot was referring to walked over to them.

"Ladies my name is Agent Mike Sheppard. **I** am the DEA agent in charge." He said as he shot a glare at Hammond. "I'm sorry I wasn't here any sooner to handle your case." He pulled a chair up and took a seat facing Alex. "Now Alex, can I call you Alex?" she nodded. "Alex I understand you don't want to go into witness protection without your wife but our rules and guidelines won't allow it. However I think I can offer you another option. We will keep a protective detail here at the hospital until you're released. Once you're released we can take you, your wife and your mother to a safe house at an undisclosed location."

"For how long?" Olivia asked.

Agent Sheppard sighed "I can't say. We are moving in on Velez, but I can't say when we can take him. Until he is…dealt with you are not safe. Now we could have him in the next twenty four hours or it could take months. We don't know." He watched as their faces fell. "I hope it won't take that long. I can't disclose what I know but we were so close before this and I feel like now he's going to panic since we caught his hitman. That may cause him to slip up enough for us to take him out." They all sat quietly absorbing what had been said. "I know this is a lot to take in but this is the best we can offer you if you are refusing witness protection. If you don't want to take this as well then I can't help you. You will be on your own."

Alex looked to Olivia and could see the answer in her eyes. "Okay. I'll go to your safe house but you have to promise that Olivia and my Mom go as well."

"I promise."

By the early morning hours everyone was exhausted. Alex stirred slightly when a nurse came in to check her. She motioned at her to not wake Olivia or her mother. Caroline was asleep on a cot the hospital had provided while Olivia was curled up next to her on her good side. Olivia sat up quickly when she sensed someone close to them. Alex placed a calming hand on her arm "Olivia it's okay, it's just the nurse." Olivia slid over to give the nurse some room but wasn't about to leave her side.

They spent another two days in the hospital allowing Alex to recover. They met with US Marshall's and DEA agents. Caroline was escorted to her home to pack a few things as well as Olivia. At first Olivia had refused but finally agreed to go when Elliot promised to stay with Alex until she returned. Elliot was the only person in the world, other than herself, that she trusted completely to protect her wife. The news had gotten out that Alex had been shot but the reports of her death had been inaccurate. Concerned family and friends had called to check on her but no one was allowed in to see her and their calls were monitored.

On the morning Alex was to be released the doctors came in to go over her discharge instructions. Once everything was taken care of Agent Sheppard entered the room "Ladies we're about to leave. Alex I know you're still in a lot of pain but we will have to move quickly. Now we're going to go out through a service entrance. We are taking every precaution to ensure your safety. We released it to the press that you had been moved to another hospital; however there is still a chance someone could be watching this hospital thinking you're still here." He gave them a serious look "Are you ready?"

"Where are you taking us?"

"You'll be told once we're on the move."

Alex squeezed Olivia's hand and looked to her for reassurance. When she saw nothing but love and support reflected in her eyes she nodded "We're ready."

Sheppard nodded "We're on the move."

As they made their way to the waiting SUV Olivia felt herself snap into soldier mode. Her body tensed and her eyes continued to dart around as she looked for any sign of trouble. She had failed in protecting Alex once she refused to fail again. As they approached the SUV she reached down and picked Alex up into her arms carrying her the rest of the way.

Alex winced slightly as Olivia put her into the backseat, her shoulder throbbing. She watched as the city flew by the window. The only thing keeping her grounded was Olivia's strong warm hand in hers. She felt Olivia running her thumb across the back of her hand and turned to face the brunette. "I love you." she whispered.

Olivia reached out and placed her free hand on Alex's neck, lightly running her thumb across her cheek "I love you too. I failed you once Alex I refuse to let it happen again. I promise I will never let anything happen to you, even if it means giving my own life. I promise you." she whispered as she pressed their lips together.

Alex's heart swelled at her words but at the same time she felt fear grip it. The thought of Olivia giving her life for her terrified her beyond belief. "We're going to be okay Olivia."

Olivia nodded. "I know we are." She pulled Alex close as and settled back into her seat. She was still worried that someone would find them that someone would try and get to Alex. Olivia looked over at her wife who had begun to fall asleep. She couldn't shake the feeling that this was far from over. Olivia vowed to herself in that moment that the next time someone came for Alex they wouldn't get away. She pressed a loving kiss to Alex's temple and silently promised that the next time the cartel came for her she would be the one to take the bullet.

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**A/N: Thank you for the reviews, I'm so glad you liked it! I know this was a little long but I couldn't find a place to stop. I didn't really like the idea of witness protection but at the same time I didn't like the idea of them catching Connors and everything being fine. I'll admit I never expected this story to take the direction it has but I have to admit I'm enjoying it. Like Agent Sheppard said, until Velez is dealt with Alex isn't safe; so this is not over. Let me know what you think. I hope you enjoyed!**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: I know another long one but I couldn't help myself. As always thank you for your reviews, follows and favorites. I'm glad you liked the last chapter. I didn't like the witness protection idea nor did I like it being all wrapped up and tidy and happy ever after. This chapter has a slight M rating for some lovin as well as some language. Let me know what you think. I hope you enjoy!**

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Chapter 12

Mornings are different now Alex decided as she sat drinking a cup of coffee. She had always thought a weekend at a cabin in the woods sounded romantic, but after three weeks it was slowly losing its appeal. Never mind the fact her mother was with them. Granted she love her mother dearly and was happy to know she was safe, she had the habit of smothering when she was worried. Then there was Olivia. Alex was so grateful for her wife; if it wasn't for Olivia she probably wouldn't be alive and if Olivia hadn't refused to believe she was dead they probably wouldn't be together now. She stared down across the small backyard and watched as Olivia walked along the tree line searching for any kind of threat. It was a daily habit and Alex knew part of it was her military training kicking in. They were both having nightmares and Olivia was always there to comfort her when she woke in a sweat and panicked. She always tried to repay Olivia by comforting her when she had a nightmare but Olivia wouldn't allow her. Alex always knew when her wife was having one because she would feel the mattress shake slightly when Olivia would jolt awake. She would lay there in silence and watch as Olivia would get up and check the windows before pacing the room. She would often spend half the night standing guard by one of the windows in the bedroom, and occasionally in other rooms of the cabin, before finally succumbing to sleep. Alex would always try and get her to talk about it but Olivia always refused. She was pulled from her thoughts when Olivia walked up the steps.

"Enjoy your walk?"

Olivia collapsed into the chair next to the blonde and happily accepted the coffee mug being offered to her "Everything's fine." After taking a few sips of the now cooling coffee she looked to her wife "How's your shoulder feeling?"

Alex shifted slightly "A little sore. I hate doing my exercises."

Olivia kissed her lightly on the cheek "I know you do but don't you want to be in good shape when we leave here?" She didn't receive a response but that alone was her answer. She was worried Alex was beginning to slip into a depression with each passing day they had to stay in hiding. Granted it wasn't easy for any of them but she knew it was hardest on her wife. They had already been through the blame game; Olivia blaming herself for not convincing Alex to drop the case sooner and not reacting quicker the night of the shooting to Alex blaming herself for their current situation. That all came to an end one night about two weeks after the shooting, Caroline sat them both down and gave them the motherly talking to that she determined they both needed. She informed them both that if they wanted to continue to blame themselves for something neither of them were to blame for then she was leaving and going back home. Both ladies knew it wasn't a threat but a promise. Just the idea of Caroline being back in the city with no protection was enough for both women to accept the fact there was nothing they could have done to change what happened.

That afternoon Alex was grateful to be able to leave the house for a while. They had been set up in a cabin in a rural part of Virginia. There was another cabin less than a quarter of a mile away where there was always a DEA agent in case they were needed. They had been out several times, mostly for Alex's doctor appointments, and always had a protective detail following them everywhere they went. After the appointment Olivia managed to talk Alex into a little shopping. Olivia thought a little retail therapy would do her love to shop wife some good. Olivia was thrilled when she noticed a smile on Alex's face as they walked around one of the stores. Both loved to read so Olivia made sure they visited a bookstore. Olivia picked up a few books for herself, she needed something to distract her mind from everything that had been going on.

"How did it go?" Caroline asked as the two women entered their temporary home.

"The doctor said everything looks good. He said I could start using it more but just don't overdo it." she smiled and held up a bag "Of course things got better when my wonderful wife took me shopping." She pressed a kiss to the brunette's cheek causing her to blush. Olivia had never felt as at home around someone as she did Alex and Caroline but she would still get a little embarrassed at displays of affection in front of her mother in law.

Caroline pat Olivia on the shoulder "Good for you Sergeant, you've learned that taking my daughter shopping makes her a very happy woman."

Alex chuckled "That's not the only thing she does that makes me a happy woman." She blushed slightly when she realized how what she said had sounded. She shot an apologetic look to Olivia before glaring at her mother who was laughing hysterically.

The rest of the day went smoothly, but Olivia could tell Alex was growing nervous waiting for a visit from one of the DEA agents. They received a call at least once a day to make sure they were okay and see if there was anything they needed. They ate dinner outside on the deck enjoying the peace and quiet. It was something that had taken getting used to by all three women. They were used to the sounds of a bustling city, so a sudden switch to the rural Virginia countryside was almost a shock to the system. They were however growing to like the quiet, watching the wildlife and all three had to admit they loved the fresh air. Alex and Olivia were just putting away the dishes after dinner when there was a knock at the door. Olivia grabbed the gun that she kept nearby at all times. She walked to the door and peaked through the window. She was expecting a DEA agent but was a little surprised when she saw Agent Sheppard at the door.

"Agent Sheppard." Olivia said as she opened the door, motioning for him to come in.

"Olivia, Alex." He said as he greeted both ladies.

"I have to admit I'm a little surprised to see you." Alex said as she took a seat next to Olivia on the couch and Agent Sheppard sat across from them.

"I know but I wanted to come see you in person. We've had some developments."

Olivia heard Alex's sharp intake of breath. She reached over and took the blonde's hand, squeezing it to let her know she was there. "What kind of developments?"

"Zapata is dead and Liam Connors has been moved into protective custody."

"How did they get to him? He's in prison." Alex felt her heart rate speed up as Olivia wrapped her arm around her waist and pulled her closer. "If they could get to Zapata they can get…" she was beginning to panic, she felt like she couldn't breathe.

Olivia motioned for Caroline who quickly sat next to her daughter and began rubbing soothing circles on her back. Olivia squat down in front of Alex "Hey, Alex, look at me. Look at me sweetheart." She ran her hands along Alex's arms trying to calm her down "Take a deep breath Alex. Come on breathe with me." she took a few deep breaths, it wasn't just for Alex Olivia knew she needed to calm down as well. She nodded when Alex began taking a few deep breathes and visibly began to relax slightly "That's it deep breaths." She smiled when their eyes met and she could see that Alex was slowly calming. "That's it sweetheart. We're right here. See you're okay." Once she was sure Alex was okay she placed a kiss on her forehead before resuming her seat beside her. She looked to Agent Sheppard "What does this mean for Alex?"

"We believe you are still safe. There have been no threats against you and as far as we can tell no one knows of your location." He slid closer to the edge of the chair "We are tightening the noose on Velez. I know this situation is difficult for all three of you and I apologize it is taking as long as it is but I promise you we are doing everything in our power to ensure your safety and capture Velez as well." he stood and shook their hands as he was about to leave "If there is anything I can do for you let me know."

After Sheppard's visit Alex seemed to retreat back into silence again. Olivia hated to see the change. Alex had seemed to be doing better throughout the afternoon, she was smiling more and laughing; Olivia hated to see her sliding backwards. She convinced Alex to join them for a movie night and afterwards they sat talking in front of the fire. "Well I guess if nothing else this has allowed you two time to be together although I'm sure you would rather be together at home."

"Home would be nice." Alex said dryly.

"So I have a question." Caroline said after another period of silence.

"What's that?"

"Have you two given any consideration to having children?" Alex was laying down with her head in Olivia's lap. Olivia could feel her wife's whole body tense at the question. "I only ask because even though now isn't the best time to go through with it, it is a perfect opportunity to discuss it." she grinned "Besides I am just dying to be a Grandma."

Alex jumped from her spot on Olivia's lap and headed upstairs toward the bedroom. Caroline gave Olivia a confused look. "In a minute." Olivia whispered as she took off following the blonde. "Alex? Sweetie are you okay?" she asked through the closed bedroom door.

"I'm fine Liv."

"Alex let me in."

"Liv I told you I'm fine. Just please leave me alone for a little bit. Please?"

"Okay. I love you."

"I love you too." Alex whispered as she lay down on the bed and began sobbing. Today had been the best she had felt since this whole ordeal began, that was until Agent Sheppard showed up and told them about the newest developments. If they could get to Zapata in prison they could get to her. She knew without a doubt that if they came after her again Olivia would die trying to protect her and that was something she didn't thing she could live with. As much as she would miss her life, Olivia especially, she couldn't help but think that maybe she should've just gone into witness protection instead of putting Olivia and her mother's life in even more danger.

Some nights that's what her nightmares were about. Her nightmares ranged from being shot again, to her mother being shot, to Olivia being shot and killed. As bad as those were the worst was when she would dream she was holding her baby and instead of her being shot it was the baby. Those nights were the worst. She lay back on the bed and glanced to Olivia's bedside table where she kept the gun at night. Alex thought about how easy it would be to just end it and not cause her family any more trouble or pain than she already had. The thought that she would even consider taking her own life scared her and she knew she was going to have to do something before she did something there would never be any coming back from.

"Is she okay?"

Olivia shrugged as she took a seat "I don't really know she wouldn't let me in."

"I didn't mean to upset her. I thought you two wanted children?"

"We do." Olivia said with a sad smile.

"Is it because of what's going on right now?"

Olivia sighed and ran her hands through her hair, her hands coming to a rest on the back of her neck "A couple months ago we went to a clinic and Alex underwent artificial insemination." Caroline's eyes widened in surprise. "She miscarried." Olivia said as a few tears began sliding down her cheeks.

"When? She never said anything."

Olivia told her mother in law everything from finding out Alex was pregnant to the night she miscarried. She told her how difficult it had been for them in less than twenty four hours go from finding out they were having a baby to finding out they had lost their baby. Caroline assured her that she knew from experience that it was difficult but they would come back from it and Alex would eventually want to discuss having children again.

After a long discussion with her mother in law Olivia headed to the bedroom. She walked in and was surprised to see Alex still awake. "Hey." She said as she climbed in bed beside her wife.

"Hey."

"You wanna talk?"

"Liv I know you're worried and I appreciate the concern but I promise I'm okay. I know it doesn't look like it but I really am okay. It's just what Agent Sheppard said scared me then when Mom brought up having kids it made me think about the baby and I just needed to be alone for a while, but I promise I'm okay." She reached up and pulled Olivia to her for a passionate kiss. "I love you."

"I love you too." Olivia said. She was surprised when Alex slid down further in the bed and pulled her down on top of her. She quickly shifted to avoid hurting her shoulder. "Alex?"

Alex shifted slightly to keep her shoulder from hurting before running her hands along Olivia's arms "I need to feel something. I need to feel alive again. Please Olivia, I need you."

The look on Alex's face cut straight to her heart. The last time they made love was the night they found out about the baby. They had made out a few times since leaving the city but Olivia was allowing Alex to set the pace. "Are you sure?" she knew she had her answer when she felt Alex's hands working their way up under her shirt.

"God Liv." Alex moaned out as she felt Olivia's tongue circling her center. She tangled her fingers in the brunette's hair and pushed her closer. Olivia kept her eyes on her wife's face watching for any sign of her wanting to stop. She felt tears prick her eyes when she could see Alex losing herself in the moment. Alex opened her eyes long enough to look down and the sight took her breath away. As much as she was enjoying what Olivia was doing to her she needed Olivia's body on hers. She pulled Olivia up till they were looking eye to eye. "I want you inside me. I need to feel your body against mine."

Olivia pressed a passionate kiss to her lips as she allowed her hand to drift down and gently slid two fingers inside her wife. She took her time allowing Alex to adjust to the intrusion. She gasped when she felt Alex slip her fingers inside her as well. Olivia began kissing along the column of Alex's neck and up behind her ear as she whispered "I love you."

Alex wrapped her arm around Olivia as best as her shoulder would allow her "I love you. I love you. Please Olivia I'm so close."

Olivia pressed their lips together as she quickly swiped her thumb across the straining bundle of nerves and cried out as she felt Alex do the same to her. She fell forward and quickly slid to the side to prevent hurting Alex's shoulder. She smiled as she felt Alex's body continue to spasm as she came down. She slowly rolled off and curled up next to the blonde "I love you." she whispered as Alex turned and pressed their lips together.

Alex chuckled through her tears "I love you too." She sighed "That was amazing! Thank you."

"You never have to thank me, but you are right that was amazing." She turned back to Alex when she heard her laughing "What?"

Alex covered her eyes as she began laughing harder and blushing "I just realized that my Mom is just across the hall and we weren't exactly quiet. You especially."

Olivia laughed "I thought you liked it when I was loud. Besides I'm pretty sure she knows we have sex."

The next morning Alex woke feeling better than she had in a while. She rolled onto her side and curled up tight against Olivia. She was so grateful for the brunette there was no way she could've made it as far as she had without her. She placed a kiss to Olivia's bare shoulder and looked up to watch her wake. "Good morning."

Olivia ran her hand along Alex's back "Good morning." She pulled her close for a kiss. "I don't think you had a nightmare last night, did you?"

Alex smiled as she thought about it "No, I didn't. Now that I think about it neither did you." she was thrilled as she realized for the first time in weeks neither of them had any nightmares the night before. Maybe they were finally turning the corner. She sat up and straddled Olivia before pulling her up for a kiss "I think we should celebrate no nightmares last night."

It wasn't long before they were both on the edge. Alex kept her arms around Olivia's neck as Olivia continued to thrust inside her. She tilted her head back and cried out as she felt Olivia take her breast in her mouth. "Oh God Olivia, harder! Please don't stop!" she was gasping for air when she felt her body go flying "Oh fuck!"

Olivia kept up her movements and kept her lips attached to her breast as she drew out Alex's orgasm. Just watching her wife caused her to come as well, never had just watching her lover cause that to happen except with Alex. She groaned as she felt Alex's nails trailing up and down her back.

"Rise and shine girls." Caroline said as she entered the bedroom. She froze in her tracks when she saw what was happening in front of her. "Oh dear God!"

Alex fell backwards and Olivia grabbed the sheet trying to cover both of them "Shit, your Mom!"

"Mom! Have you forgotten how to knock?!" Alex asked as she tried to cover herself up.

"I'm sorry. I figured you were still sleeping." She looked around the room before she began laughing.

"What are you laughing at?"

"I'm sorry but this is too funny. I guess it's payback for the time you walked in on me and you father." Alex blushed at the memory. "Okay well I came to let you know breakfast is ready." she said before leaving the room still laughing.

"That is the single most embarrassing moment of my life!" Olivia said as she covered her eyes.

"Your life?" Alex asked with a shocked expression "I'm twenty nine and I just got caught riding my wife by my Mom."

Olivia rose up slightly "I'm thirty one and my mother in law just caught me screwing my wife and not only that she saw me sucking on her daughter's breast. I think I win."

Breakfast was relatively quiet as Alex and Olivia were still embarrassed. "Oh come on girls, it's not like I didn't know you were having sex. You might be embarrassed but I'm the one with that image stuck in my head. So let's just agree that it was embarrassing and get over it."

After breakfast Olivia went out to take her morning walk around the edge of the property. It also allowed her time to think. This morning was much colder than it had typically been so Alex wasn't on the deck like she usually was. Olivia was thrilled that Alex seemed so happy when she woke up. Maybe she was beginning to heal.

Alex sat curled up in front of the fire with a book. Her mother had headed to town to get something for dinner and to also allow 'her girls' as she called them time to get over their embarrassment. Alex looked up when she heard Olivia making her way through the cabin "You're back early. Too cold for you?" she asked as she stood from her chair. When she turned around the air left her lungs.

"Did you really think we wouldn't find you Alex?"

Alex stared at the man in front of her and the gun pointed at her head. Never in her life had she wanted Olivia as much as she did in that moment. She prayed Olivia would come back in.

"This is what you get for doing your job." He said as he pressed the gun under her chin.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Alex stopped breathing when she felt the gun pressed to her skin. She stared into the eyes of the man in front of her; they were cold and dark. "Please don't." she barely whispered.

The man gave her a slight grin, her skin crawled at the sight "I didn't picture you the type to beg. It doesn't matter though, no amount of begging will save you this time."

Olivia finished her walk around the edge of the property. She was about to go back inside when she noticed they were a little low on fire wood and went to the shed to get more. She thought about the night before, how it had been the best night they'd had since before this all began. Granted the morning resulted in one of the most embarrassing moments of her life but she wouldn't trade what she and Alex had shared for anything in the world. She took a seat on the deck and looked out over the countryside. As much as she missed the city she did love the view here. Maybe sometime in the future when this was over and behind them they could revisit the area or somewhere similar. She was also thinking about what Caroline had said about them having more children. She wanted children so badly and she knew Alex wanted them as well. She decided to go back inside and bring the subject up since Caroline was out.

Alex whimpered as she was pushed down onto her knees. She silently prayed Olivia would come back inside, she knew Olivia had her gun on her. She had never been one to beg but she would do anything to walk away from this "Please don't do this. I dropped the case. My office is no longer pursuing this. Just go I promise I'll swear I never saw you."

"I know but you didn't walk away when you had your chance. And because you pursued this a man is dead. Raphael Zapata is dead, and while it's his fault for getting careless you are the one who pursued the case against him. His blood is on your hands and now you're going to pay for it."

Alex allowed a few tears to escape, her only thought was that she hated Olivia was going to be the one to find her body.

Olivia walked through the cabin "Hey sweetie I'm fixing hot chocolate would you like some?" She immediately snapped into soldier mode and pulled her weapon when she entered the living room. The sight of Alex on her knees with a gun to her head caused her heart to seize. "Drop your weapon!" No way was she going to allow this to happen again. She kept her gun trained on the man as she cautiously stepped closer. She saw the slight flicker of surprise in his eyes, she only hoped it was enough to cause him to make a mistake.

"I wasn't planning on having company for this." He pressed the gun tighter to Alex's temple causing her to whimper. Olivia was struggling to hold onto her training and get them both safely out of this. The man reached down and grabbed Alex's hair pulling her head back as he stared at Olivia "You saw your wife be shot once. How awful you're going to watch her be shot again. Just think the image of your pretty little wife dying will be seared into your mind for the rest of your life, her brains splattered all over the floor as the blood slowly pours from her body." He gave Olivia an evil smile "You have a lot of sleepless nights ahead of you."

Olivia swallowed back her tears as she shook the images from her mind. "Not gonna happen. This isn't going to go down like this."

"It's not going to happen the way you think either. Go ahead and take your shot but you risk killing her as well. My fingers on the trigger you shoot me I could shoot her as a reflex. Can you live with that? Knowing you killed your wife?"

Alex looked up from the corner of her eye and noticed the man was watching Olivia. She took a deep breath and silently prayed Olivia would forgive her for what she was about to do. She threw all her weight against the man knocking him to the ground. She quickly began to scramble away and get the phone.

Olivia couldn't believe what she had just witnessed. She ran over to kick the gun away when she felt her feet being knocked out from under her. She watched as her own gun slid across the floor and they both began scrambling toward them. Before she knew it she and the man were in a struggle for one of the weapons.

Alex was terrified as she grabbed the phone and called the number that was number one on speed dial. One of the DEA agents answered on the first ring. She informed him what was going on then hung up. Olivia caught sight of Alex from the corner of her eye "Run Alex!" she could still see the blonde frozen to the floor "Damnit Alex run!" Alex ran out the door and down the drive, grateful she could hear the tires of an SUV speeding toward them.

Olivia saw the man finally grab his gun and she went to try and pull it from his hands but he had other ideas. A well placed punch to the stomach left Olivia gasping for air as he took off out the door. She jumped from her spot as best she could and chased him outside. She caught up to him at the bottom of the steps and tackled him to the ground, struggling to free the weapon from his hands.

Alex watched in horror as Olivia and the intruder struggled for control of the gun. She felt the agent take hold of her and begin pulling her toward the car. She was about to duck behind it when a gunshot broke the silence. "No!" Alex shrieked as she saw Olivia slump over the man, neither of them moving. She ran towards the pair not caring for her own safety. The only thing that mattered at that moment was the gunshot still echoing in her ears and Olivia lying motionless on the ground. "Olivia!" she said as she placed her hands on her wife's shoulder and steeled her nerves as she rolled the brunette over. There was blood covering the front of her shirt. "Please no."

Olivia took a deep breath and began crying as she felt Alex's arms around her. "I'm okay. I'm okay. The blood's not mine." She cried as she pulled Alex into her arms.

"Mrs. Benson?" Agent Sheppard called out as he jumped from his vehicle. "Are you okay?"

Olivia nodded as she held Alex close. "We're okay."

They sat huddled together inside. Alex's mother had returned and was holding the couple as they processed everything that had happened. Alex had been afraid that Olivia would be charged with shooting the man but they were informed that it appeared to be a self-inflicted wound. It also helped that several agents had witnessed the struggle and saw that Olivia's hands were nowhere near his gun when it went off. Olivia stood as Agent Sheppard reentered the cabin "I want to know how in the hell they found us!"

"Mrs. Benson I know you're upset…"

"Upset?! I'm not upset. I'm pissed!" Olivia said as she began pacing the room. "We came here because you said you could protect us. I have to admit you've done a pretty good job up until now, but what I want to know is how he found us. How did he know where we were?"

"Olivia sweetheart, you've got to calm down." Caroline said as she placed a comforting hand on her daughter's in law shoulder.

Agent Sheppard sighed as he took a seat "Ladies I am so sorry for all of this. There has been a leak and your location as well as a few other's location has been compromised."

Alex began to shake at his words "I'm not going anywhere else. I'm going home!"

"You are going home."

"What?" Alex asked with a confused expression.

Agent Sheppard smiled "I was on my way here to tell you that Cesar Velez is dead. He knew we were closing in on him and we believe the word went out to members of the cartel. We essentially decapitated the entire organization. We got him as well as the highest members of the cartel. We believe the leak found this out and passed along the location of several people in hiding, including yourself."

Olivia took a deep breath before speaking "Is she safe?"

"Yes."

Alex released the breath she was holding. Could it really be over? Could this whole nightmare finally be over? She looked to Olivia and saw the same look of hope and excitement. "So we can go home? No one's going to hurt me?"

"No one's going to hurt you, however you can't go home just yet." All three ladies face's fell at his words. "We want to make sure all threats are gone. We will be sending you to a hotel, a very nice one I might add, for a few more days. We just want to take every precaution before you return home." He stood and shook Alex's hand before leaving "It's over."

By that evening all three ladies found themselves in a very nice hotel in the city. Alex sat staring out the window of her and Olivia's room. "How you feeling?" Olivia asked as she slipped her arm around her wife's shoulders.

"I know it's not our apartment but it's so good to be home. I wish we could open the windows I want to smell the city."

"You mean the rotting garbage and the diesel exhaust?" Olivia chuckled while Alex rolled her eyes and shook her head. "I know what you mean though. I almost miss getting yelled at on the sidewalk when someone thinks I'm in their way."

After dinner and a little more time of simply staring out at the city they loved they decided to go to bed. Alex was a little afraid to go to sleep, she was afraid the nightmares would return after everything that had happened that day. She curled up tight against Olivia and rested her head on her shoulder. She sighed as she felt Olivia lazily running her fingers through her hair. "Liv?"

"Hmm?"

"I want us to try for another baby."

Olivia stilled her hand "Are you sure?"

Alex felt tears prick her eyes. This is what she had feared, Olivia wouldn't want to try again. "Never mind." Alex mumbled as she buried her head in Olivia's neck and struggled to hold the tears at bay.

Olivia placed her hand on Alex's chin and pulled it up so they were facing one another "Hey, hey, don't cry. I didn't say no. I just want to make sure you're ready after everything you've been through."

Alex took a deep breath and stared into the eyes she love so much, she saw nothing but love and concern reflecting in them. "Olivia if there's anything this has taught me it's that life is so short and we shouldn't waste our time together. I mean who thought my career could put my life in jeopardy. Plus we know what could happen to you if you have to go back overseas. We had already planned if it didn't work the first time that we would try again. I just don't want to wait anymore. I want a family with you."

Olivia smiled "Okay, once we're back in our apartment call and set up an appointment." She kissed Alex soundly "I can't wait to have a family with you." She settled back down and began running her fingers through Alex's hair. She felt like they were finally turning the corner on this dark period in their life. Olivia sighed as she drifted off to sleep, she could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

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**A/N: Thank you for the favs, follows, & reviews you guys are great! Hopefully I can update again soon. Let me know what you think. I hope you enjoyed!**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews! Bkwrmchar: I hope this answers your question. Let me know what you think. I hope you enjoy!**

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Chapter 14

Spring is a wonderful time in New York. It signals the end of a dark cold winter as well as renewal and new life. Alex smiled as she felt Olivia's arms slip around her waist and her hands rest gently on her stomach. A few tears slipped from her eyes as she thought about the new life that was growing there "Good morning."

Olivia placed a kiss to the blonde's neck "Morning." She allowed her hands to slip under Alex's shirt and lightly caress her stomach "How you feeling this morning?"

"Not bad, I only puked once this morning. That's a good sign." She grinned as she turned in her wife's arms and pulled her in for kiss. After coming home from the nightmare that was Velez and taking time to readjust and heal from her ordeal she and Olivia returned to the clinic to try for another baby. She was now eight weeks pregnant.

Olivia chuckled "Well that is better than spending a couple hours on the bathroom floor I guess." She began pulling Alex from the bedroom "After my run I stopped by the bakery and picked up some muffins and I got you some of that strawberry oatmeal you like so well." she stopped as she remembered how some foods were now turning her wife's stomach "You do still like it, don't you?"

"Yes! I was actually hoping you would bring some home." They were nearing the end of their breakfast when the phone rang. Alex's face fell as she talked to the person on the other end. "Um, yes we'll be there." She hung up and simply stared off into space.

"Alex, baby, what's wrong?" Olivia asked as she made her way to Alex's side.

"That was agent Sheppard. He has some info for us and asked that we stop by his office this afternoon."

She was beginning to visibly shake. Olivia wrapped her arms around her and held her tight. "It's okay. It's not the first time he's called to check on us or ask us to come by for something."

"What if it's not? What if there's someone else out there looking for me, or even you? Our lives are finally getting back on track I can't do it again." she cried as she placed her hand on her stomach "I can't lose this baby too."

Olivia ran her fingers through Alex's hair, it was something that never failed to calm her wife "You're not going to lose this baby, and nothing is going to happen to us. I protected you once I'll protect you again. I'll die before I let something happen you either one of you." she said as she placed her hand over Alex's.

"That's just it I can't lose you too." She sank onto the couch and wondered why things couldn't be simple. After everything they'd been through Alex had decided to leave the DA's office. She had never been one to give up but after being shot, a gun to her head and then watching Olivia fight off the man trying to kill her she decided it was too much. While she didn't rule out returning to prosecution she wanted to focus on her and Olivia, and now their baby. She was also assured by Branch that if she ever wanted to come back a position would always be open for her.

Olivia sat down next to her and pressed a kiss to her temple "You're not going to lose me, I'm not going anywhere." She switched seats and sat on the coffee table in front of Alex, taking her hands in her own "Hey if something was wrong he would've told us to come by immediately or he would've come here. So why don't we get ready and stop by his office before your doctor appointment?"

"Okay."

Alex was growing more nervous as they walked down the hall to Agent Sheppard's office. She couldn't shake the feeling something was wrong. After returning home she'd thought the nightmares would stop but she was wrong and they had returned. Olivia finally convinced her that it might be a good idea for both of them to speak to a therapist. After a few sessions the nightmares had all but stopped and both ladies were feeling safer and more comfortable at home.

"Alex, Olivia." Agent Sheppard said as he shook their hands and escorted them into his office.

While Olivia was grateful for what he and the other agents had done to try and keep them alive, she was still fuming that Alex had once again came so close to dying. She reached over to the chair next to her and took Alex's hand in hers, lacing their fingers together letting Alex know she was there for her. "So you have some new information for us?"

He noticed the concerned and almost frightened look on their faces. "You are not in danger. I wanted to let you know that we've found the leak and they have been taken into custody." Both looked at him expectantly "It was Agent Hammond."

"What?" Alex asked as her eyes went wide with surprise.

"We hate one of our own is involved in something like this but we are also committed to bringing him and anyone else involved to justice."

"He knew all along what was going on?" Olivia asked, still shocked at what she'd just heard. "He was one of the ones pushing Alex to go into witness protection. So what, was he planning to push her into the program then kill her and no one would know different because we already thought she was dead?"

Agent Sheppard shook his head "No, we believe he pushed her as well as others into the program so they would not testify, or in Alex's case prosecute anyone from the cartel. As far as we can tell he has never killed anyone or ordered a hit. He mainly leaked information to allow Velez to stay one step ahead of us."

"So how did you find out it was him?"

"After taking the cartel down we came across a treasure trove of documents, they kept excellent records. We were eventually led back to Agent Hammond as well as a number of vice officers in cities across the country along with federal officers."

Alex and Olivia looked at one another. The shock and surprise was evident on both their faces. "So Alex is safe? There's no chance of anyone getting to her?"

"She is safe." He smiled at both of them "Ladies I am so sorry that you had to go through any of this. If there is anything I can ever do for you please let me know."

Alex was quiet on the cab ride to her doctor's office. Olivia had been watching her carefully and was beginning to worry "Sweetheart are you okay?" she squeezed her knee for reassurance.

Alex watched the city go by before speaking "I'm fine. It's just I can't believe it was him. I mean I knew it was a little odd when he was so adamant that I go into witness protection and then lie to you about me being dead but I just thought he was trying to convince me what would be safest for me. I just… I don't know." She turned to Olivia and smiled "The important thing now is that we're safe. And we're about to start a wonderful new chapter of our lives together."

Once in the doctor's office Olivia sat anxiously holding Alex's hand as the doctor went about the examination. She couldn't wait to see their baby on the ultrasound and to know that everything was still okay. "I love you." she whispered as the doctor began looking for the baby on the monitor.

Alex grew more nervous with each passing second that the doctor didn't say anything. She was terrified of losing this baby too. Olivia had reassured her that if it wasn't possible for her to carry she was more than willing to adopt and while it wasn't optimal with her career she would be willing to carry their baby if Alex couldn't. That alone made Alex fall in love with her all over again, there wasn't anything Olivia wasn't willing to do for her. She was pulled from her thoughts when a loud rhythmic sound filled the room. She looked up with tears in her eyes at Olivia and noticed the tears in hers as well "Is that?"

"That's your baby's heartbeat." The doctor replied "And this is you baby." she said with a smile as she turned the monitor for both to see.

Olivia pressed a kiss to Alex's lips "I love you so much!" she said as she looked back at her child on the screen. Her heart felt as if it was about to burst from her chest. She never knew she could feel this way about someone she'd never met but she was already head over heels in love with this baby.

Alex had yet to stop crying as they walked down the sidewalk after the appointment "I just can't believe this beautiful little creature is growing inside of me." she said as she stared at the ultrasound picture.

Olivia was walking alongside of her with her arm around her waist "Well it is, and he or she is going to be just as amazing as you are."

They passed a store for expectant mothers and newborns. Alex stopped and stared at the window display, she desperately wanted to go in but at the same time she was scared something could still happen. Olivia carefully watched the expressions on her wife's face go from excitement to worry. She knew how Alex felt. She still had the blue and pink onsies hidden away in the closet. She wanted to give them to Alex but at the same time she too was still a little worried about something happening. She pulled the younger woman closer "I know what you're thinking." Alex gave her a sad smile "What do you say we go in and just look around. I mean it doesn't hurt to look," she kissed Alex on the cheek before whispering in her ear "Besides I've got a good feeling about this." She said as she placed her hand on her stomach.

They ended up buying a few items for Alex at the store and as it turns out watching Alex shop for maternity clothes was a huge turn on to Olivia. It was as much a turn on for her as it was for Alex watching Olivia grinning over little outfits and toys. They barely made it through the door before clothes were being shed and hands were roaming. They made it to the bedroom leaving a trail of clothing in their wake. Just as they entered the room Olivia remembered the bag in the top of the closet. Part of her wanted to wait but an even bigger part wanted to give them to Alex. "Wait a minute." She whispered as they were about to take of their remaining garments. She walked back over with the bag and handed it to Alex "I bought this a while back…" she trailed off and Alex knew what she was referring to "I was going to wait a little longer to give it to you but I can't wait anymore."

Alex began crying as she pulled the tiny pink and then blue onsie from the bag. She looked to Olivia who was crying also "I love them." she whispered. She looked at both and imagined her son or daughter wearing them. She carefully folded them and placed them back in the bag and sat it on her bedside table. She pulled Olivia's bra and panties off before doing the same with her own then laying back on the bed.

Olivia looked at the woman laid out in front of her. She had memorized Alex's body the first time they were together but she figured it wouldn't hurt to refresh her memory. While Alex may be tall and thin she had curves in all the right places and Olivia loved them. As her eyes drifted down from her perfect breasts to her still flat stomach she began to imagine all the changes it was going to go though over the next several months. How her body was going to grow and change. Olivia leaned forward and pressed their lips together, yes pregnant Alex was definitely a turn on. They made love a couple times before stopping to order in. After dinner and a movie, which turned into a make out session and neither could tell what happened the last half of the movie, they went to bed and were once again wrapped up in one another.

The next morning Alex smiled as she woke and saw the beautiful brunette sprawled out next to her. She stretched slowly and realized she had over worked several muscles. The night before had been amazing. Their lovemaking at times had been hard, fast and passionate. While other times it had been slow, gentle and loving. While on occasion Alex liked the hard and fast, most of the time she loved the slow and gentle. It was those times that she could feel Olivia's love for her in the deepest parts of her heart and soul. She was about to wake her sleeping soldier when she felt the familiar flip in her stomach and ran for the bathroom. She swore she would never complain about being pregnant after losing their first baby but at the same time she couldn't wait for the morning sickness to end.

Olivia woke at the sounds of Alex being sick in the bathroom. She was about to go check on her wife when the phone rang. "Are you okay?" she called out.

Alex heard the phone and knew what she meant "I'm fine Liv, get the phone." She waited until she was sure the feeling had passed then brushed and cleaned up to go out and greet her wife. When she walked from the bathroom she saw Olivia sitting on the edge of the bed; her body was slumped forward and she could swear it looked like her shoulders were shaking. "Who was it?" when she didn't receive a reply she walked around to stand in front of Olivia. The look on the brunette's face broke her heart. "Liv? Olivia baby, what's wrong?" she asked as she took a seat next to her and pulled her into her arms.

"I'm being reactivated." Alex's heart sank at the words. Olivia looked up and was barely able to meet Alex's gaze. She felt fresh tears begin as she started to speak "I'm going to Iraq."


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Thank you for the reviews. I love knowing what you think and occasionally reviews give me ideas or change my direction for the story. I know some of you were surprised at Agent Hammond being the leak, but I figured it would throw you for a loop plus I never liked him. Sadly this is reality for so many of our servicemen and women as well as their families. Please excuse my ignorance if I get anything wrong military related. I have the upmost respect for our troops as well as their families. This is just a filler chapter to get us closer to the end of Olivia's tour. Let me know what you think. Enjoy!**

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Chapter 15

Olivia loved relaxing on the beach her toes buried in the sand, but after three months in the desert she was certain she didn't want to see sand any time soon. She looked forward to her shower at the end of her shift but at the same time she felt like there was sand in places she never thought sand would be. She always thought things had been rough in Afghanistan but she had to admit things were worse here. It seemed as if a day didn't go by that someone she knew, or knew of, wasn't injured or killed. She'd had a few close calls herself but the only thing that kept her holding on was thinking about Alex and their unborn baby back home.

After dinner she went to a conference room to call Alex. She wasn't able to talk to the blonde as often as she like so she valued every chance she had to talk to her wife. Like they had done when she was in Afghanistan Alex and Caroline had sent care packages with basic necessities as well as goodies. She also kept in touch with her mother in law through email, and Caroline kept her updated on Alex's condition and went to doctors' appointments with her. She was especially grateful for Elliot. He was one of her best friends and checked in on Alex for her. She was grateful to see the conference room wasn't too crowded, it made talking to Alex easier when there wasn't an audience.

Alex rubbed her belly as she sat down to eat lunch "You know I can't wait for you to start moving around in there. I'm really lonely here without your Momma." Just as she was finishing her sandwich she heard the tone on her computer. She jumped up and raced to it knowing it was Olivia.

"Hey beautiful!" Olivia said as her face appeared on the screen. She thought Alex appeared more beautiful every time she saw her, it made her heart ache even more for her wife.

Alex cried at the sight of the brunette "Hey yourself hot stuff!" she took a moment to take in the sight of the other woman "Okay you know the drill."

Olivia chuckled at their routine as she stood and turned around allowing Alex to see she was okay. "See I'm fine." She said as she took a seat.

"Damn right you are." Alex replied causing Olivia to blush.

"So how are you feeling? What's the latest craving?" Olivia hated missing out on the pregnancy so she wanted every possible detail she could get.

"I feel great actually, aside from missing you like crazy. I'm getting tired more often but that's to be expected. The latest craving is bacon so it's too bad you're not here considering you love it. The baby must get that after you." she said with a laugh.

Olivia laughed to keep from crying "So let me see."

Alex smiled as she stood and turned sideways allowing Olivia to see her bump. "Do you have company?"

Olivia looked around the room and saw that no one was close enough to see or hear them "Nope."

Alex lifted her shirt to just under her breasts and pulled her pants down to just under her belly. "What do you think?"

Olivia gasped at the sight, it had only been a week since she'd seen Alex's baby bump but it seemed to have grown quite a bit since then. "I think it's wonderful. So beautiful." She replied as she wiped a few tears. She continued to stare at her wife then smirked "Nice ass too."

Alex threw her head back and laughed "It's always about the ass with you, isn't it?"

"Don't act like you've never checked me out before." As Alex was sitting back down Olivia remembered something "Hey, didn't you have a doctor's appointment today?"

Alex smiled "I did. I have a new ultrasound picture but I didn't want to email it to you. I wanted to talk to you first."

"You found out the sex?" Olivia asked excitedly. Alex nodded. "Well? What are we having?"

Alex reached down and grabbed one of the onsies Olivia had bought and held it up over her growing belly. "Congratulations Momma."

Olivia burst into tears at the sight of the pink onsie "A girl? We're having a girl?"

"It's a girl."

A girl, she was going to have a daughter. Olivia couldn't believe it. "Is she moving yet? Have you felt her kick?" that was one thing Olivia hated she was going to miss. When they found out Alex was pregnant she pictured lying in bed and rubbing Alex's belly as the baby kicked.

"She's not kicked yet but I can feel something. It feels like someone brushing against me. The doctor said it's only a matter of time though."

They continued to talk for a bit until Olivia realized her time was up. Like she always did she struggled not to cry as their time came to an end. "I miss you."

"I miss you too." Alex said as she began tearing up. "When will you be home?"

Olivia sighed "My return date hasn't changed. I just hope I make it home before she's born."

"Me too. I love my mother to death but the way she fusses over me I might be forced to kill her during delivery."

Olivia chuckled but it was killing her to think she might miss her daughter's birth. As of right now she was due to return two days before Alex's due date, luckily this was to be a short deployment. "I promise I'll do everything I can to get home in time." she kissed her fingers and pressed them to the screen as Alex did the same "Till I can kiss you for real." She always said the same thing when hey ended a video call.

"I can't wait." Alex wiped her tears "Be careful. I love you."

"I love you too."

Alex lay on the couch after talking to Olivia "That was your Momma I was talking to. I know she's not here with us right now but I want you to know she loves you very much. Momma has a job that sometimes takes her away from us for a long time but she misses us very much and she will be home with us soon." She continued to rub her hand over her stomach and jumped slightly when she felt a solid kick just below her ribs. "Hey you." she said as she felt another kick in the same spot as the last one "I'm glad you finally decided to let me know you're okay in there." She couldn't help but cry a little as her daughter continued to kick, wishing now more than ever that Olivia was home with her.

After ending the call Olivia waited a few minutes to allow Alex time to email her the picture of the baby. She began crying all over again when she saw the baby on the screen. She ran her fingers over the image and it made her heart ache even more for Alex and their baby. As she sat down on her bunk she pulled a small calendar from her trunk at the foot of the bed. She marked the day off then flipped a few pages to where she had circled the date her tour was due to end. The date two days later was circled and in Alex's elegant handwriting the words 'Baby Benson' was written in the box. Olivia felt the excitement build all over again at the thought of becoming a mother. She lay back on her bed and closed her eyes as she thought about her future with Alex and their baby. What she was going to look like, what she would be like. She hoped the baby would look like Alex, especially her eyes. She prayed the baby would have Alex's blue eyes. As she curled up to go to sleep she whispered an 'I love you' just like she did every night. She did the same thing when she was home and it made her feel closer to her wife. Four more months she thought as she drifted off to sleep. Four more months and she'll be home with her family.


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: It's time to meet the newest member of the family! As always thank you for the reviews. I have started classes once again so between that and a full time job updates may be a little less frequent but I promise I will keep up. I already have half of the next chapter written. Let me know what you think. Enjoy!**

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Chapter 16

"Hey sweetheart, how are you feeling?" Came Olivia's beautiful voice through the phone.

"I really wish you were here." Alex said as she began crying for what felt like the hundredth time that day.

"So do I sweetheart, so do I." Olivia's heart broke at the sadness and frustration in the blonde's voice. The baby was now a week late, and so was Olivia. She had been scheduled to return home two days before Alex's due date but things didn't always go as planned. She had finally left Iraq but was now on an extended layover in Germany. "I'm looking to see if I can get on a commercial flight but so far no luck."

Alex ran her fingers through her hair "I know I shouldn't be whining like this but I'm just tired and miserable and I just want you home." She took a deep breath and wiped her tears "I'm sorry I know you don't want to hear this."

"Hey now, I'm here for you. Trust me I want to be home as badly as you want me home." Both were silent for a moment "So any contractions or anything?"

"Just a few here and there. You want to know what the biggest problem is?"

"What?"

"My mother." Olivia burst out laughing. "It's not funny Liv!" Alex huffed. "She drives me nuts. Every time I turn around there she is. She's always here!" Olivia continued to laugh "Seriously Liv. The other day she tried to follow me to the bathroom. Last time I checked I was capable of going to the bathroom on my own."

They talked for a few minutes before Olivia had to go. "I love you. I'm doing my best to get home."

"I know you are and I love you too."

After talking to Olivia Alex went to her support group. She had slacked off in going while Olivia was home but since she had been deployed she had started going again. While it wasn't as great as having Olivia home it did help her get through the lonely days. She had also become friends with another woman in the group whose husband was also deployed. The other woman, Karen, had also been pregnant with her first child and given birth while her husband was deployed. Alex hated to even entertain the thought of giving birth without Olivia but talking to Karen was helping her prepare for the possibility. Alex had just walked through the door of her apartment when she was met in the entryway by her mother.

"And just where have you been young lady?" Caroline stood facing Alex with her arms crossed.

"Excuse me?" Alex asked as she pushed past her mother to sit on the couch and prop her feet up on the coffee table. Normally this would've turned into an epic argument but she just didn't have it in her today.

"I've been calling you and couldn't get an answer. I was worried sick about you."

Alex pulled her phone from her purse "I didn't know it died." She laid her head back not wanting to argue at the moment but rose back up when she saw her mother still staring at her "I'm sorry but in case you forgot I'm thirty years old I can come and go as I please. It's not like I'm sixteen again and you're catching me sneaking back in the house." She rolled her eyes "Not that it's any of your business but we had a group meeting and then Karen offered to take me to lunch. I'm going crazy just sitting around this apartment waiting for the baby and Olivia." She began breaking down "I miss my wife and I just want her home with me! And never mind the fact I'm as big as a house and the baby's a week late."

Caroline sat down and wrapped her daughter in her arms "I'm sorry I snapped at you I was just worried something had happened. I know you're miserable, I remember what nine months pregnant feels like." She smiled "Who knows, maybe the baby is waiting for her Momma to come home before she comes out."

Alex smiled slightly as she wiped her tears "Maybe she is. I'm sorry too."

That night as Alex climbed in bed she pulled out one of Olivia's letters to her and read it before falling asleep. It was a habit she had started the first time Olivia wrote to her and now she read a letter every night she was away. When Olivia found out what she was doing she began writing her letters when she was home as well, and gave her a new one every week. Alex cherished the letters from her wife; she didn't just have Olivia's words memorized, they were written across her heart.

She had finally managed to get comfortable and pulled Olivia's pillow close and inhaled her scent. "Goodnight baby, Mommy and Momma loves you." she whispered as she placed her hand on her stomach and drifted off to sleep. A couple hours later she sat upright in bed as a sharp contraction ripped through her body "Son of a bitch!" Once the pain finally passed she grabbed her water bottle from her bedside table and took a sip. She was about to settle back down in bed when she felt something on her leg "Are you freakin kidding me?" she mumbled as she stood and made her way to the bathroom "Thirty years old and I just pissed the bed." she grumbled as she walked into the bathroom. It was the only time since Olivia had left that she was thankful the brunette wasn't home. She barely had time to turn the light on when she felt a flood of wetness against her legs. Looking down she instantly knew what had happened. "Mom!" she yelled as she simply stared at the floor. Her mother may have been driving her crazy but she was thankful the older woman had taken to staying the night with her.

"What's wrong?" Caroline asked as she raced into the room. She froze for a second as she saw that her daughter's water had broken. "Come on we need to get you to the hospital."

"Olivia, I need Olivia." Alex cried as another contraction began. She was now in her tenth hour of labor and was praying for it to be over.

Caroline wiped her face with a cool cloth before placing a kiss to the top of her head "I know you do sweetheart. I called the number you gave me to try and contact her but they said she and several others had managed to get a commercial flight home. I tried contacting the airlines to see if I could get her but still no luck."

"When's her flight supposed to land?" Alex panted as she struggled to catch her breath after the last contraction.

"Not until this evening." Alex began crying again. "I know, I know I want her here too. I called Elliot and gave him her flight information. He is going to pick her up at the airport and bring her here. He said to tell you he's going to run the lights and sirens all the way. He'll get her here as fast as he can."

Olivia was beginning to grow more nervous the closer to home she got. She was so excited about having a family with Alex and becoming a mother but at the same time she was terrified. She was so scared of turning into her own mother. She could never live with herself if she treated her daughter the way Serena had treated her. The only thing that kept her from believing she could turn into her mother was the fact that while she had been conceived through an act of violence, their baby had been conceived willingly and with love. She looked out the window and willed the plane to go faster and get her home to her family.

"Come on Alex, push!" Caroline said as she held her daughter's hand. At the count of ten she helped Alex lay back and began running the cloth over her face "You're doing amazing."

"I can't. I can't. I want Olivia. I need Olivia!" Alex never knew she could feel pain like she was feeling in that moment, and she had been shot.

"Sweetheart she's not here yet." She could see by the look on the young blonde's face that another contraction was beginning. She looked down and began crying when she could see the baby's head. "Alex I can see her head. She's almost here."

"I can't."

"Now you listen to me Alexandra, you can do this. You are the strongest person I know. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your daughter and for Olivia."

At the mention of Olivia Alex sat up and cried out as she pushed with everything she had.

Olivia was growing more anxious as she walked through the airport. She had called their apartment and didn't receive an answer. That didn't worry her too much but when she couldn't get Alex on her cell and her mother in law wasn't answering her home phone or cell she was really worried. She was trying Caroline's phone again when she heard her name being called.

"Better pay attention where you're going Sergeant."

"Elliot? What are you doing here?" Olivia knew something was definitely off now.

He pulled his friend into a hug "You're about to be a Momma, if you're not already."

"Alex? The baby? Alex is having the baby?!"

Elliot grinned he knew exactly how she felt "Come on Sergeant double time. I gotta get you to the hospital." he said as Olivia grabbed her bag and they both took off running towards the exit.

"I hate the traffic in this city!" Olivia said as she stomped the floor of the unmarked car Elliot was driving.

"You realize that just like there's no brake over there there's also no gas pedal." The look she gave him was enough to put him six feet under. "Liv I'm going as fast as I can. It's Saturday night of course traffic is going to be bad."

The car had yet to quit rolling when Olivia opened the door and jumped out. As she stepped off the elevator at the nursery she ran to the nearest nurse's station "I'm looking for Alex Cabot-Benson."

"I'm sorry I don't have anyone under that name."

Olivia ran her fingers through her hair and looked around "Okay try Alexandra Cabot-Benson." Once again the nurse shook her head no "What about Alexandra Benson?"

"I'm sorry ma'am do you even know the person you're looking for?"

"Yes I know who I'm looking for. I'm looking for Alex Cabot-Benson, she's my wife and she's having a baby!"

"Olivia?"

Olivia looked around when she recognized Caroline's voice "Where is she? Is she okay?" she asked as she ran over and hugged the older woman.

Caroline chuckled as she took Olivia by the hand and led her toward the delivery room "She's in here and she's fine."

Olivia choked out a sob when she walked into the room and saw Alex sitting up in bed cradling a tiny infant in her arms. "Alex?" she whispered as she stepped closer.

She wiped a few tears before pulling Olivia down for a passionate kiss. She looked at the baby as they parted "Say hi to Momma."

Olivia looked closer at the baby in her wife's arms "Oh Alex she's beautiful. She's absolutely perfect." She was still in her combat uniform, she quickly pulled her jacket off and washed her hands before sitting down on the edge of the bed and took her daughter in her arms for the first time.

"Olivia I'd like you to meet your daughter, Macey Renee Benson."

Olivia struggled to wipe the tears that just wouldn't stop. She gently ran her finger along the baby's cheek and watched as she yawned slightly "I love it." They had discussed the name through phone calls and emails but it was Olivia who had picked Macey. "She looks just like you."

"Poor kid." Alex laughed.

"No not poor kid." Olivia said as she looked at the tiny infant "I told you she would be just as amazing as you are. God she's so tiny. How much did she weigh?"

"She's six pounds ten ounces."

They sat quietly for a few more minutes as Olivia memorized every feature of her daughter's face. She looked back to Alex and kissed her again "You are so beautiful."

"I'm all hot and sweaty Liv."

Olivia placed a hand on her cheek and kissed her yet again "And how many times have I told you that when you are all hot and sweaty that you are at your most beautiful." She raised an eyebrow and smirked.

"Not in front of the baby Olivia."

Caroline walked back into the room "Can Grandma finally find out the baby's name?"

"You didn't tell her?" Olivia asked a little surprised.

"She had to meet her Momma first." Alex smiled. "Her name is Macey Renee."

"I love it!"

Caroline finally went home after making sure the couple was settled in Alex's room. Alex was about to feed Macey before putting her down for the night when she noticed Olivia watching her. "Come here."

"Why?"

Alex slid forward in the bed a little "Sit behind me." she waited until the brunette was settled behind her and then leaned back into her arms, Olivia wrapping her arms around her and helping support the baby. Alex waited until Macey had latched on then tilted her head for a kiss. Alex had already nursed her daughter once and she knew they had bonded in that instant but she wanted Olivia to bond with her as well.

Olivia watched in awe as her daughter nursed from her wife's breast. It was one of the most beautiful things she'd ever witnessed. Macey opened her eyes for a brief moment and locked eyes with her Momma. Olivia felt the air leave her lungs, she felt as if her daughter was looking directly into her soul. She instantly felt connected for life to the child. "I love you. I love you so much."

In the early morning hours as Alex nursed her young daughter yet again she pulled her eyes from the infant to look at the brunette who was passed out on the small pull out bed in the room. Olivia was exhausted from her trip so Alex wasn't surprised when the baby's cry didn't wake her. Alex looked at her sleeping wife; Olivia had changed into a black tank and black yoga pants that she worked out in seeing it was the only clean clothes she had in her bag. Alex took a deep breath and chuckled as she thought to herself 'Damn my wife is hot.' She was about to get up to put Macey back in her bassinet when Olivia woke. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For not waking up." she walked over and took the infant from her wife. The baby girl was the spitting image of Alex. "I'm so sorry I wasn't here for you," she looked at Alex "For both of you."

"You have nothing to apologize for. Yes I would've loved for you to have been here but I understand. It's something I accepted when I decided I wanted to spend my life with a soldier." They both smiled. "The important thing is that you're here now."

Olivia lay the infant in her bassinet "I may not always be here physically but I'll always be here." Olivia said as she placed one hand over Alex's heart.

Alex pulled her in for another kiss "I love you so much."

"I love you too."

Alex slid over in the bed a little "Now come on, it's been months since I've been able to sleep next to you. Macey's gonna be awake again in a couple hours so I want to get in as much Olivia time as I can."

Olivia gently pulled her wife into her arms "You can get as much Olivia time as you want, I don't plan on going anywhere." Olivia placed a kiss to the top of Alex's head and watched her sleeping daughter as they drifted off to sleep.


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: Thank you for the reviews, favorites and follows. This chapter is much longer than usual but I couldn't find a place to stop. Warning for a bit of an M for language, among other things ;) I'm a little nervous about this so let me know what you think. Enjoy!**

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"Come on Macey you can do it, Momma. Say Momma." Olivia cooed to her daughter who was lying in bed next to her. Macey smiled and cooed back. Olivia chuckled and placed a kiss to her forehead. "It's okay. I know you gave it your best." She snuggled close to her baby girl and inhaled her wonderful baby scent. Macey was four months old and both her mothers had decided it had been the best four months of their lives. They also freely admitted it was worth all the worry and heartache they went through to get her. Since Olivia had returned home she had gone back to her job of working security at a domestic violence shelter. She had also completed her training to become a rape crisis counselor, and was looking into working at a counseling center.

Olivia lay quietly listening to her daughter's breathing and the slight noises she made. She was working nights at the moment and this was one of her favorite parts of the day. She would cuddle with Macey before she went to work and when she would come home in the morning she would take the baby and feed her allowing Alex a little more time to sleep. As happy as she was just being married to Alex, their lives were so much happier and richer now with their daughter.

Alex stood in the doorway of the bedroom and took in the sight in front of her. She couldn't have chosen a better person to have a family with, Olivia was the best mother. She always jumped at the first whimper coming from the infant. When she joked that Olivia was going to have her spoiled Olivia quickly explained it was because she never knew when she might be deployed again and wanted to enjoy every minute she had with them. "You are so cute when you talk like a baby."

Olivia looked up and laughed "You're just jealous because my baby voice is better than yours." Alex simply shook her head as she lay down next to Macey. "So what are our plans for tomorrow?" Olivia said as she reached out and laced her fingers with Alex's.

"I figured I would take her out for a while so you could get some rest."

"Tonight is my last night shift, I'm gonna have to get used to staying up during the day." She looked down at Macey who was smiling back at her "Besides I want to spend as much time with you two as possible."

Alex's expression turned sad, Olivia had been notified she would be returning to Afghanistan at the end of the month. They'd had four wonderful months together and while Alex knew Olivia would eventually have to leave again she didn't like to think about it. She looked over at the alarm clock before scooping the infant into her arms "Come on sweetie let's get your bath it's almost bedtime."

Bath time was one of Macey's favorite things in the world, she would smile and coo while her mother's fawned over her. The blue eyed little girl was the center of her mothers' world. After her bath Olivia dried her off and dressed her for bed then handed her to Alex who was sitting in bed. Olivia settled in behind Alex and wrapped her arms around to help hold her daughter. Alex had started this the night Macey was born and while she pumped so Olivia could feed her this was one of Olivia's favorite things in the world to do, to sit behind Alex and watch her daughter as she nursed. "You're a hungry little piggy, aren't you?" Olivia chuckled as Macey began hungrily eating.

"Yes she is." Alex groaned as she leaned her head back on her wife's shoulder "And I have the sore boobs to prove it."

Olivia grinned as she ran her finger along Macey's arm "Take it easy on Mommy, I happen to enjoy those too." Alex rolled her eyes and groaned again at her wife's comment.

* * *

The next few weeks flew by as Olivia's departure date approached. Alex had decided to return to work just after the New Year, she was now teaching one class a week at Colombia Law. It allowed her to put her love of the law to use without returning to the DA's office. While she wouldn't rule out ever going back she just wasn't ready to leave Macey for all the hours she would be working. Teaching was also allowing her to pass on her knowledge and courtroom experience. After finding out that Olivia was going to have to go back overseas she hated she'd returned to work, between her class that was three hours plus the time she sat aside every week to meet with students that was time she was missing with Olivia.

It was the night before Olivia was to fly out. She cradled Macey in her arms as she rocked her to sleep "Momma is going to miss you so much." She placed a kiss on the infant's head and placed her in her crib. She walked across the hall to their bedroom and gasped at the sight before her. Alex was leaning against the headboard wearing a blue silk nightgown Olivia had given her after they had started dating, it was still one of her favorite things to see the blonde in. "Wow." Alex may have lost all her baby weight but she now had curves in places she hadn't before, and Olivia loved it.

Alex rose up on her knees and pulled Olivia to her kissing her passionately "Thanks, I can't believe it still fits. Not everything went back the way it was supposed to after Macey."

Olivia reached down and ran her hands up Alex's thighs and under the nightgown, slowly pulling it over her head. "I love the way you look. You are just as beautiful now, if not more so." She lightly stroked her fingers over Alex's stomach "This was our little girl's first home, this is where we first fell in love with her. It couldn't be more perfect."

Alex couldn't help the tears in her eyes. She quickly stripped Olivia before pulling her onto the bed and laying down on top of her. Olivia raised her eyebrow, not used to Alex taking the lead. Alex placed a quick kiss to her lips then leaned over and pulled their double ended toy from the bottom drawer "Tonight is all about you." She kissed and licked her way up and down Olivia's body until she knew the brunette was ready. She took the toy and slid the shorter end into her wife before straddling her and leaning in for a kiss. "Lay back, relax, and enjoy. I'm about to give you the ride of your life."

Olivia gasped as she watched Alex grab the toy and quickly lower herself onto it. "Oh God!" she watched as Alex rose up and slid down again. She began rotating her hips causing the toy to hit the perfect spot inside both of them. She held on tightly to Alex's hips as she met her thrust for thrust. She groaned as she watched Alex began squeezing her own breasts. "God Alex!" she let one hand slip down between Alex's legs and began to quickly rub her clit with her thumb.

"Liv! Oh fuck Liv! Baby I'm so close."

Olivia knew she was on the edge she was just waiting for Alex. "I love you Alex." She increased the speed her thumb was moving at "Come for me baby."

"Oh God, Liv!" Alex cried out as she fell forward onto her wife, gasping for air.

Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex and held her close. She wasn't sure what came over her but she quickly flipped them and began thrusting into her at a frantic pace. She pressed her lips to Alex's, their tongue's dueling for control.

Alex could feel her body flying toward her second orgasm of the night. She wrapped her legs around Olivia's waist. She dug her nails into Olivia's back and held on as they both fell over the edge together. They lay there panting, trying to catch their breath. Olivia pulled back long enough to pull the toy free and throw it in the floor. Alex grabbed hold of her and pulled her back down holding her close. "Don't go, not yet."

Olivia nodded as she buried her face in Alex's neck, placing light kisses to her sweat soaked skin. "I love you." she whispered over and over. After laying on top of the blonde for a bit she finally slid off and they turned facing one another. She crawled down the bed to get the covers they had pushed to the bottom. She noticed the marks on Alex's hips that her fingers had left. She placed a kiss to them before sliding back up and kissing the blonde. "I'm pretty sure that's gonna bruise. I'm sorry."

Alex chuckled "I'm not. It'll be a little something to remind me of tonight." She began running her hand along Olivia's back but pulled back when Olivia hissed. She leaned over and saw the red marks left by her nails. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I loved every second of it." she pulled Alex close as they began to drift off "I'm gonna miss you two so much."

"We'll miss you too. I love you."

"I love you too."

It was a relatively quiet morning at the airport. Olivia was standing off to the side holding Alex and Macey as she cried. She had never been one to cry in public but right now she didn't care, she was leaving her wife and daughter for another six months so she didn't care who saw her. "I love you." she whispered over and over to the little girl who was nuzzling her face into her neck while grabbing handfuls of her hair. She looked up when she felt Alex rubbing her hand along her back "I can't do it Alex. I just can't."

Alex, who was also unable to hold her own tears back, leaned in and kissed Olivia's temple "Yes you can. As much as I hate to see you leave if you don't go you're going to end up in prison and we'll still be apart." She smirked "Besides I'm not sure they would allow us conjugal visits."

Olivia couldn't help but laugh. "I guess you have a point." She sighed as she wrapped her free arm around Alex and pulled her closer "At least I'll be home before her first birthday. I promise I will." Alex raised an eyebrow, remembering her attempt to get home in time for the birth. "Alex I promise I will. I don't care if I have to walk across Europe and swim the Atlantic I will not miss our daughter's first birthday."

Alex knew Olivia was still blaming herself for not being there when Macey was born. As much as she wanted Olivia home with them she would never hold it against her for not being there. She looked at her watch and noticed Olivia was going to have to go to make her flight. She wrapped her arms around Olivia and Macey "Liv, baby, you're gonna miss your flight."

Caroline walked over and hugged her daughter in law "Olivia take care of yourself. I love you."

"I love you too." Olivia choked out as Caroline stepped back to allow the young family to say their goodbyes. She pulled back slightly to look Macey in the eye "I love you baby girl, I love you so much." She pulled Alex in for a kiss, like she always did she hoped she would convey exactly how much she loved the blonde. "I love you too. I love you so much and I always will."

"I love you to Olivia, always. Please be careful. We need you to come home to us."

"I will." she choked out as she hugged her daughter tight one more time before passing her to Alex. She looked Alex in the eye "Listen if something happens."

"It's not going to Olivia." Alex said as she wiped her tears.

"I know but I want you to know I changed my life insurance."

"Olivia no." Alex couldn't hear about it.

"Just listen. I changed it so that half of it will go to you and the other half will go into a trust for Macey. I know you have your trust fund and your Mom has set aside money for her but I just couldn't go without making sure both of you would be taken care of." She took a deep breath "All the information is in an envelope in the bottom drawer of the desk."

Alex nodded slowly "Okay."

Olivia kissed her girls one more time and whispered an "I love you." before turning and walking away. It had always killed her to leave Alex crying but when she heard Macey begin crying as if she knew her Momma was leaving, that was her undoing. It felt as if a little piece of her heart was being ripped out with each cry. Once she was out of sight she slipped into a restroom and splashed water on her face to calm down before going through security. She looked in the mirror and shook her head, this was going to be the longest six months of her life.

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It had been almost a month since Olivia had left and she missed her family a little more each day. She took a seat in front of a computer to call Alex before beginning her shift, she couldn't think of a better way to start her day than with her wife and daughter. They had only spoke twice over the phone, this would be the first time they would be able to talk face to face. Alex emailed her pictures of Macey every day but it wasn't the same as seeing them.

Alex heard the tone on her computer and grabbed Macey from her play yard "Come on let's see Momma." Alex grinned ear to ear "Hey!"

"Hey beautiful." She gasped and began crying when she saw Macey smiling at the screen "Hey baby girl. Oh my God Alex she's getting so big!"

"Well she's got a very healthy appetite. I've had to start giving her a little cereal, I guess Mommy's just not enough anymore."

They both laughed when it seemed like Macey realized it was Olivia's voice she was hearing. "I miss you baby girl." Olivia said in her baby voice causing Macey to laugh out loud. This was the first time Olivia heard her laugh and it brought tears to her eyes. They talked for a little longer before Olivia had to go "You have no idea how much I miss you two."

"We really miss you too Liv." she took Macey's hand in hers and made a blowing kiss motion "Say I love you Momma." Macey made a few noises causing both to laugh. "I love you Olivia."

"I love you too, both of you."

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As the months slowly passed she and Olivia continued to talk as often as possible. Olivia continued to write every week. She would also write a letter to Macey along with Alex's. After reading her own Alex would curl up with Macey and read her letter to her. The only thing that was helping her through this deployment was their daughter. Macey was now seven months old and while she was the spitting image of Alex when she was little, Alex couldn't help but think Macey had picked up some of Olivia's mannerisms. The one thing that definitely reminded Alex of her wife was how much the little girl loved to laugh. It seemed like Macey laughed all the time, just like Olivia. Most people didn't get to see the side of Olivia she got to see, Olivia was one of the funniest people she'd ever met.

Olivia was missing her family more than ever. The fighting just seemed to be getting worse and there didn't appear to be an end in sight. She and several others had just boarded a helicopter to head to a different area to help another MP unit who was struggling with security at their camp. The only bright spot in her day had been when they had been notified that morning that their tour was being cut short by a month. She'd had enough time that morning to email Alex when she would be arriving home. She had been able to talk to Alex a few days ago and Alex informed her that Macey wasn't too far off from crawling. Olivia couldn't wait to get home and see her baby. She pictured laying in the floor with her as she tried to crawl, feeding her, or Macey simply sleeping on her chest.

Olivia was reaching for the pocket of her uniform to get the picture of Macey and Alex she kept there, right over her heart. Before she was able to reach in her pocket the chopper was hit. It lurched to one side then back to the other. The pilot was calling out for everyone to brace for impact. Olivia had never been a religious person but she caught herself asking God to spare them and to watch over her wife and daughter if she didn't make it. Alex and Macey was the last thought that ran through her mind.

"Come on sweetie Grandma will be here in a few minutes." Her mother had called and offered to take them out to lunch and then a little shopping. Alex didn't really want to go but at the same time she knew it would do her some good to get out for a bit. Macey had been a little fussy the last few days, she was teething after all, but this morning she had been especially cranky. It didn't matter what Alex did nothing seemed to soother her daughter. Alex also had an uneasy feeling all morning that she couldn't shake. She was chalking it up to missing Olivia and thought that maybe Macey was picking up on her mood.

She was pacing the apartment bouncing the little girl trying, and failing, to settle her down. She heard the doorbell ring and wondered why her mother didn't use her key. "Hey there settle down now. Grandma's here." She opened the door but it wasn't her mother. Alex felt her knees go weak and the air leave her lungs. There at her door was a man and woman in army dress uniforms. She tried to form words but nothing came out.

The man cleared his throat "Ma'am. Are you Alexandra Cabot-Benson?"

Alex nodded and held Macey tighter.

The man pointed to himself "I am Sergeant Johnson and this," he pointed to the woman next to him "Is Lieutenant Matthews. May we come in?"

"Why?" Alex barely whispered.

The woman gave her a sympathetic smile "You are listed as next of kin for Sergeant Olivia Benson." She was unable to finish what she needed to say as Alex began to break down. The woman feared she would drop the baby and reached out to support her. "Please may we come in? You should really sit down."

Alex stepped back and allowed the woman to help her to the couch as she and the man took a seat in chairs opposite her. Alex knew they were trying to tell her something but she wasn't able to listen to what they were saying.

"Alex? What happened?" Caroline asked as she walked into her daughter's living room and saw the two uniformed officers sitting there.

"Olivia." Alex sobbed out.

Caroline wrapped her arms around her daughter and granddaughter who were both crying. "I'm Alex's mother. What happened to Olivia?"

The man and woman looked to one another, they had an idea when they saw both women had the same last name but it was clear now that this was Sergeant Benson's family. The woman took a deep breath "Ma'am Sergeant Benson was in a helicopter earlier today that was hit by an RPG, it crashed."

Alex was trying her best to understand what was being said to her but she just couldn't. The words Sergeant Benson and crash kept playing over and over in her mind. "Is-is-is she okay?"

"Ma'am the only information I have is that she was taken to a field hospital." She took another deep breath, this was the hardest part of her job "Sergeant Benson is being treated for life threatening injuries. As to what type I don't know. That is all we know at the moment."

"I need to see her."

"Ma'am she's been stabilized and flown to the hospital at Ramstein AFB in Germany. The hospital on base there is one of the best in the military. I am so sorry." She and the man stood and both handed a card to Caroline. "If there is anything you need please don't hesitate to call one of us. We have been assigned to you for anything you might need. We will contact you as soon as we know more."

Alex broke down as she heard the door close "She can't die Mom, she can't!"

"She's gonna be just fine Alex."

"You don't know that!" Alex ran her hand up and down Macey's back in an attempt to soothe her but Alex was also trying to soothe herself. "How will this little girl ever know how wonderful her Momma is? How will she know how much Olivia loves her?" Alex cried into her mother's shoulder as she realized her worst nightmare was coming true. There was a very real possibility Olivia wasn't coming home.


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: Wow! Thanks for the reviews, I'm so glad you enjoyed. I was going to wait a little longer to post but since you didn't want be left hanging and you asked so nicely here's the next chapter. Let me know what you think. Enjoy!**

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Chapter 18

The days since being notified of Olivia's accident had seemed to turn into one endless nightmare. Caroline had essentially moved in to help take care of her daughter and granddaughter. Every day Lieutenant Matthews would call; some days there was new information others it was just to check in and see if there was anything they needed. Alex was doing her best to stay strong but it was becoming more difficult with each passing day. She was lying in bed Olivia's pillow wrapped securely in her arms. She was staring at one of her favorite pictures of her wife; it was taken shortly after they started dating when Olivia's hair was still short, Alex wrapped tightly in her arms. She began crying again as her mind drifted back to the day after the accident when the doctor treating Olivia called her.

_Alex sat bleary eyed in a chair, a cup of tea in front of her but she wasn't interested. It had been just over a day since she'd been told Olivia was in a crash. She had spent all night pacing the apartment and crying until she wasn't sure she had any tears left. She jumped slightly when she felt a hand on her shoulder. She looked up to see her mother standing next to her holding the baby. "Someone's hungry and I think she wants her Mommy." Caroline said as she sat Macey on her lap._

"_I think there's still some milk in the refrigerator." Alex replied as she started to hand her back._

_Caroline's heart broke for her daughter. She sat Macey back on her lap before kneeling in front of her "Alex look at me." she waited until she had her daughter's attention "I know you're hurting. I'm scared and worried too, but your daughter needs you also. I fed her every time she needed fed yesterday, during the night and this morning. She knows there's something wrong, babies can sense these things. She needs you Alex." She paused for a moment "And you need her."_

_Alex was still upset but she did feel slightly better as she nursed her baby girl. She also noticed that Macey had calmed considerably after spending a little time with her Mommy. She had just put her down for a nap when the phone rang. "Hello?"_

"_May I speak to Alexandra Cabot-Benson?"_

"_This is she." _

"_Ma'am this is Captain Eric Neal. I am treating a Sergeant Olivia Benson. You are listed as her emergency contact. Is this correct?"_

"_Yes it is." Alex was slowly beginning to panic but then she thought that if it was something horrible she would be notified in person not by phone. "I am also her medical power of attorney."_

"_Okay." She could hear him taking a deep breath. "Ma'am Sgt. Benson arrived here yesterday after being injured in a helicopter crash. Her injuries are serious."_

_Alex cried silently "The officers who notified me said they were life threatening."_

_The man sighed "Yes ma'am they are. Her condition has improved slightly since her arrival yesterday but I won't lie, she is still in critical condition. We had her condition listed as grave until this morning."_

"_Um…uh what exactly is wrong?"_

"_Sgt. Benson has a broken arm, her spleen was ruptured so we had to remove it as well as internal bleeding which we were able to get under control. She also suffered a collapsed lung caused by one of several broken ribs." he paused for a moment "Those are the minor injuries. She has swelling around her spinal column. She also suffered a head injury." Alex broke down at those words. "She has a severe concussion, which is swelling of the brain. We have put her into a medically induced coma to allow her time to heal."_

"_Will she recover? The spinal injury, the head injury?" Alex asked as she struggled to control the nausea threatening to overcome her._

"_Ms. Cabot-Benson it's hard to say. Do I think she's paralyzed? I don't believe she is but I can't say with one hundred percent certainty, until the swelling goes down we won't know. Will she walk again? It's too early to say. I think it's possible but she will most likely require lots of therapy. Her head injury is a little trickier. I've seen people with head injuries far more severe than hers make a complete recovery and I've seen some that weren't near as bad that end up needing long term care. The only thing I can say for sure is that it's too early to tell. Right now we're basically playing a waiting game."_

_Alex struggled to form words "She um has a young daughter, she's only seven months old." She sobbed "I need…I mean she needs her to come home."_

"_Yes ma'am I understand. I promise you we are doing everything we can for her. I will update you as often as I can. As soon as her condition improves we will transport her back to the states. I'm sorry this is all I can tell you but it's all I know at the moment."_

"_I understand. Thank you." she said as she hung up. And just as she thought she couldn't cry anymore Alex dissolved into tears again._

It had been three weeks since the accident and Alex felt as if she'd been in a haze ever since. She was grateful for her mother being there. It gave her someone to lean on as well as help with Macey. There were just some days that Alex struggled to take care of her daughter, and she was growing to hate herself because of it. Elliot had also been checking in every day but Alex was unable to do more than nod and mumble a word of thanks when he would stop by. She looked up when Caroline sat Macey on the bed beside her. Macey reached over and rubbed her hand along Alex's face. "Hey sweetheart." She said sadly. Even though Olivia's condition was slowly improving Alex still couldn't shake the thought of her not coming home. Every time she looked into her daughter's eyes her heart melted. It also killed her to think that Macey may never get to see her Momma again or experience how much she loved her. Caroline jerked the covers off her daughter. "What the hell, Mom?"

Caroline crossed her arms over her chest "Alex I've watched you mope around this place for three weeks now. I understand you are worried, you're hurting but its time to get up. You have to be strong for Olivia. You have to be strong for your daughter. Remember her?" she said nodding toward Macey.

Alex jumped from the bed "How dare you use her to make me feel bad! How dare you use either one of them! I have not forgotten about my daughter, I love her more than anything in the world! She is the only thing that's kept me from completely going over the edge. So don't you dare say I've forgotten about her." she picked a confused looking Macey up and headed toward the living room.

Caroline followed her "Alex I didn't mean it like that. It's just that lately I've been the one taking care of her. I don't care because I understand what you're going through but she can pick up on these things. She may be young but I watched her this morning as she watched you. She watched you pace the living room. Every time you walked by she looked so hopeful, like she was just waiting for you to pick her up."

Alex looked at her daughter who was smiling back at her. She realized that there had been times she probably was ignoring her. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." She whispered as she pulled her closer. She looked to her mother "I don't know how to handle this! I have never loved anyone the way I love Olivia, and no one has ever loved me as much as she loves me. Mom she's my whole life. I don't know how to do this without her."

Caroline pulled the younger woman into her arms and allowed her to cry. "Alex I know how it feels to lose someone you love more than anything. When I lost your father, well it felt like the world was collapsing around me. I was a mess but then I remembered I had this wonderful daughter that I had to be strong for and go on for. That's how I made it Alex. The only thing that kept me sane was you." she took a moment to dry her tears. "You however still have Olivia. No she may not be here physically with you but as long as she's still alive she's still here."

Alex leaned into her mother as she continued to cry. "It may sound silly but it's like I can feel her."

"It's not silly." She said as she ran her fingers through her daughter's hair "Alex I've never seen two people share a love like you two have. You're deeply connected, so you need to stay strong because I'm willing to bet she can feel you too."

Alex was just climbing from the shower when Caroline stepped into the bathroom, the phone in her hand "It's Capt. Neal." She stepped back out to give her some privacy but stayed close in case she needed her.

"Hello."

"Hello Ms. Cabot-Benson." Capt. Neal said. "I'm sorry for not calling sooner today but I wanted to wait for conformation."

"Conformation of what?" Alex asked as she leaned against the sink and prepared herself for the worst.

"Although Sgt. Benson is still in a coma her condition is improving. We are preparing to fly her back to the States as we speak. I wanted to give you a heads up in case you wanted to be there when she arrives."

"Y-y-yes I want to be there. When, where? I want to be there for her."

"The flight she will be on is scheduled to leave in a couple hours. She is being flown to the Army medical center in DC. She will probably arrive there sometime in the middle of the night."

"Okay. Thank you. Thank you so much for everything you've done for her."

"Glad I could help."

Alex raced into her bedroom still wrapped in her towel, nearly knocking her mother over in the process "What did he say?"

Alex grabbed her suitcase from the closet "She's coming home!"

"Home?"

"She's coming back to the US. Her flight leaves in a couple hours and she should arrive in DC sometime during the night. I want to be there when she arrives. I need to book a flight and find a hotel."

Caroline pulled Alex in for a hug "Calm down. Deep breath." She waited as Alex took a few calming breaths. "Okay. You find a hotel, I'll get a flight. Are you taking Macey?"

"Of course I am. I want her there when Olivia wakes up."

Late that evening they were on a flight headed to DC. Alex was a little worried at first, it was going to be Macey's first time flying and she didn't know how the infant would handle it but she slept the entire time. Once they were checked into the hotel Alex called the number she was given for families of patients. She was informed that Olivia wouldn't arrive for another few hours and was told she would be notified as soon as she arrived.

Alex jerked awake when her phone rang at a little after five that morning. She listened to what the woman on the other end of the line told her before hanging up. She woke her mother, telling her that Olivia was now at the hospital and visiting hours would begin at seven. She was shaking with nervous energy so she went to the hotel gym and ran on the treadmill till she didn't think she could run anymore. She drug herself back to their room and took a shower. As she stepped back into the room she heard Macey's cry. She picked her daughter up from the crib the hotel provided "Hey angel, you hungry?" she sat down in the chair and got comfortable before pulling Macey to her breast. She'd considered weaning her from breast feeding but in this moment she was glad she hadn't. The closeness helped comfort her. "We're going to go see Momma today." She smiled when it appeared that the little girl's eyes lit up "Yes. I'm excited to see Momma too."

Alex practically shook as they walked down the hall of the ICU to Olivia's room. Like all the rooms there was a glass sliding door with curtains pulled for privacy. She stopped as a young woman stepped from the room. "I'm Lt. Carol. I will be treating Sgt. Benson. And you are?"

Alex had to bite her tongue as she was about to introduce herself as Olivia's wife. She didn't want to do anything to get her wife in trouble "I'm Alex Cabot-Benson."

The other woman nodded and gave her a knowing smile "It's nice to meet you. I want to explain a few things to you before you go into the room. She's still in a medically induced coma. The swelling around her brain has decreased considerably, and the swelling around her spinal column has decreased as well."

"When will she wake up?"

"I still can't say for sure. If her condition improves we'll take her off the ventilator in a few days."

"Is she paralyzed? What about…brain damage?" Alex choked out.

Lt. Carol placed a comforting hand on Alex's arm "I understand your concern but it's still too soon to know. Until the swelling around her spinal column goes down we won't know if she's paralyzed or not. As for brain damage; we ran a few tests when she arrived this morning, she does have brain activity. That is a good sign. It's just still too early to know."

"I get that but what are the possibilities?"

Lt. Carol sighed "It could range anywhere from slight amnesia all the way to permanent damage requiring long term care." She noticed the tears in the blonde's eyes "Ma'am I'm not saying that's going to happen, those are just the possibilities."

Alex nodded "I know and I appreciate your honesty. If it's amnesia how severe could it be?" she looked to Macey "This is her daughter. Will she remember her? Will she remember me?" Alex whispered.

"It's possible. It could also be she won't have any memory of the last few days leading up to the crash." She smiled sympathetically "Ma'am Sgt. Benson is young and she's healthy. That will work in her favor. I'm willing to bet she's a fighter." She smiled at the baby "And I'm sure she's going to fight to see this smiling face again."

Alex turned to Caroline and handed Macey to her "I want to go in by myself first."

No matter how much she'd been told nothing prepared her for the sight in front of her when she entered the room. Olivia was lying in the bed wires, tubes and machines connected to different parts of her body. Her skin was pale, paler than Alex had ever seen it. She took a moment to gather herself before walking over and taking her hand. She leaned in and lightly ran her fingers through Olivia's hair, noting it had grown. She placed a kiss to her forehead and that's when the dam broke. Alex felt Lt. Carol slide a chair behind her and whispered to call if she needed anything. Alex leaned in as close as she could as she held Olivia's hand tight and continued to run her fingers through her hair, knowing how much her wife loved it. "I'm here baby. I'm here and Macey's in the hall with Mom. We love you so much. You need to wake up, we miss you."

After spending some time alone Alex brought Macey and Caroline in to visit. She sat Macey beside Olivia and it was clear the little girl remembered her Momma as her face lit up at the sight of her. Alex reached down and put Macey's hand in Olivia's and whispered that she was there. Caroline pointed out that Olivia's heart monitor had increased slightly at her wife and daughter's touch. Alex took it as a good sign.

They spent most of the day visiting with Olivia and meeting with doctors. As evening rolled around Caroline offered to take Macey back to the hotel so Alex could stay with Olivia. Once they were alone again Alex pulled the chair close and laid her head on the edge of the bed, Olivia's hand wrapped tightly in her own. "You have to wake up baby. I love you." Alex closed her eyes, tears silently falling as the sounds of the machines signaling Olivia was alive lulled her to sleep.


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: I'm glad you're still enjoying this story. It may seem like I'm dragging this out a bit but I'm enjoying exploring Alex's feelings and the struggle for the family. Let me know what you think. Enjoy!**

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Chapter 19

"Good morning Alex." Olivia's nurse said as she entered the room.

"Good morning Alice." Alex said as she sat up and stretched. It had been three days since Olivia arrived and Alex had spent the majority of her time at the hospital. She was already on a first name basis with many of the nurses in the ICU.

"When's that adorable little girl gonna grace us with her presence?" The older woman asked.

Alex smiled at the thought of her daughter, Macey had quickly become a favorite visitor to the ICU. While Alex had done her very best to be careful to live within the 'don't ask, don't tell' policy, she knew that most of the doctors and nurses knew she was Olivia's partner. "I'm meeting my Mom for breakfast and then we're going to bring her by." She ran hand through Olivia's hair "She loves seeing her Momma and I think Olivia seems to do a little better when she's here." Before she knew what she was doing she leaned in and placed a kiss on Olivia's cheek. She blushed when she realized Alice saw her.

The older woman smiled "Don't you worry darlin', I'm not saying a word. I'm just glad Sgt. Benson has someone who cares about her as much as you do."

"Thank you." Alex whispered.

Alex stepped onto the sidewalk in front of the hospital, grinning as she saw her mother and daughter approaching "How's my big girl?" Alex cooed as she pulled Macey in for a hug.

"So how's she doing today?" Caroline asked as they ate breakfast at a diner down the street from the hospital.

"About the same. I'm pretty sure she squeezed my hand last night but the nurses said it's probably just muscle spasms." Alex sighed. "I talk to her all the time, I tell her what's going on in the world, what you and Macey are up too. I keep waiting for her to sit up and tell me to shut up." she allowed a few tears to escape but quickly wiped them away as she continued to feed Macey.

Caroline reached out for her daughter's hand "Alex, sweetheart she's going to pull through this, you both are."

The rest of their meal was spent in relative silence. It was a warm spring morning so they took a moment to walk around a small garden outside the hospital. "I just never pictured it being this way." Alex said out of the blue.

"Never pictured what being this way?" Caroline asked as she guided them to a bench.

"Our life together. I mean yeah I knew when I started dating her that there was always a chance something bad could happen but… I don't know." She wiped her eyes again. "I guess I always thought that once she was out that would be it. She would get a nice safe job somewhere and we would live a nice normal happy life."

Caroline chuckled lightly "Happily ever after, huh?"

Alex laughed at how she must've sounded "I guess."

Caroline wrapped her arm around her daughter's shoulder "Sweetheart I hate to break it to you but happily ever after only happens in storybooks and Disney movies." They sat quietly for a moment "Don't give up hope though. It might not be the way you pictured it but I do think you'll have your happily ever after."

Walking back to Olivia's room Alex felt lighter than she had in days. The time with her mother and daughter and lifted her mood considerably. She slid the door to Olivia's room open and began to panic when she saw Lt. Carol as well as another doctor and a couple nurses. "What happened?"

"She's fine Alex." Lt. Carol said as she stepped closer. "We were running a few tests while you were gone." She smiled "We want to take her off the medicine that's keeping her in the coma."

"She's going to wake up?"

"Not immediately no, but hopefully she will." Alex's face fell. "I'll give her something that will help reverse the effects of the medicine but it will take a while for it to wear off. Could she wake up today? Maybe. It could also be a few days. There's just no way to know."

"What about the ventilator?"

"Once she's off the meds we'll try and see if she's able to breathe on her own. If she is we'll unhook it. I know I sound like a broken record but we have to wait and see."

The day went by slowly, Alex jumping at every slight movement Olivia made. Occasionally her heart rate would increase as it had a few times over the days, Alex had wondered if she was dreaming about the crash. She also found out that when she would sit Macey next to her Olivia's heart rate would even out. She had just rocked Macey to sleep when she noticed Olivia's heart rate increase. She stepped to her right side, her good side, and pulled her arm back laying Macey next to her then placing her arm back around the infant. In no time her heart rate had slowed. Alex kissed her cheek "Baby girl misses you Liv, you have to wake up and see her."

As Saturday rolled around it marked four weeks since the crash, one month Olivia had been asleep. There had however been good news. The swelling around her spine had gone down and she wasn't paralyzed. The doctors informed Alex that there was still a chance she may require therapy before walking again though. A physical therapist was visiting every day and doing exercises to help her muscles. The swelling of her brain was almost completely gone as well, and they had also been able to unhook the ventilator and Olivia was breathing on her own. Now they were just waiting for her to wake up.

Alex was sitting in the back row of the hospital chapel, Macey asleep on her lap. Alex was humming a lullaby she'd heard Olivia singing to the little girl. She jumped slightly when she felt her mother sit down beside her "Is she okay?"

"She's fine." Caroline looked around "The last time I found you sitting in a church was when your Dad passed away." Alex nodded. "She's gonna make it Alex."

Alex leaned her head against her mother's shoulder as she began crying "Why won't she wake up? It's been four days since they took her off the medicine. She should be awake by now."

"I want her to wake up too but these things take time. She's been through a traumatic experience her body needs time to heal." They sat in silence for a bit; thinking, reflecting, praying. "Elliot called a little while ago. He said if there's anything you need to let him know. He said he's off the next two days and if you need clothes or need something for Macey he'll gladly bring it down."

Alex nodded and kissed the top of the little blonde's head before leaning back against the wall behind her. "Do you know what she told me after I miscarried?" Caroline turned to face her daughter. "She told me that we would try again, and if that didn't work there was always adoption." She began tearing up "She said there's so many kids out there desperate for someone to love them. I think in ways she was referring to herself as a child. I remember her saying, 'Alex we'll have a child of our own, I know we will.' She said we would buy one if we have too." She ran her hand along Macey's back "She missed seeing this wonderful little creature be born, she can't miss her growing up too."

"She's not going to sweetheart."

She closed her eyes and sighed "What if she doesn't wake up?" she looked to her mother "What if this is it? She's thirty three years old Mom, she's too young for this to happen. What if she spends the rest of her life in a hospital bed asleep? I don't know how to deal with this."

"Alex no one knows how to deal with something like this, but you take it one day at a time." she squeezed Alex's hand "I'm gonna ask you something and I don't want you to get upset with me." Alex cringed as she looked her mother in the eye "Have you thought about what you're going to do if she doesn't wake up?" Alex narrowed her eyes "I mean long term, what are you going to do?"

Alex placed her hand over Macey's ear to keep from waking her up "What do you mean, what am I going to do? She's my wife Mom! I promised to stand by her and to love her no matter what. I promised through sickness and health and that's exactly what I'm going to do. I know what you're asking. If she requires long term care then I intend to see she gets it. If I have to drain my savings, my trust fund and work two jobs to care for her then that's what I'm gonna do." she was crying again "I love her with all my heart and I'm not about to turn my back on her now. She didn't give up on me when she was told I was dead, I'm not about to give up on her when I know she's alive!"

"Hey, hey, calm down its okay. That's not what I meant. I just asked if you've taken into consideration the possibility. I know you will never give up on her and neither will I. If I have to empty my bank account and sell all my stocks to get her the help she needs I'll do it. I love her like she's my own Alex. I'll do whatever it takes to help her."

They walked back to the room to allow Macey a little time with her Momma before Caroline took her back to the hotel. Once it was just the two of them Alex took the bottle of lotion from the bedside table and began rubbing it along Olivia's arms and hands then moved to her legs, massaging as she went "Your skin is getting so dry in here. I know you're not as 'girly' as me as you put it, but I know you hate when your skin is dry." If they told her it was good for Olivia then Alex made sure she got it. "Time for your exercises." Alex took Olivia's legs in her hands one at a time and would stretch them just like the physical therapist had showed her. "I know you've been laying around for a while now but you have to stay in shape. Macey will be crawling soon and she'll be walking before we know it. I can't be chasing her around all by myself." She pulled the covers back up and leaned in pressing a kiss to her lips. "Your lips are dry too." Alex picked up her chapstick from the table. She put on a little more than usual then leaned in and pressed her lips to Olivia's "You always said kissing me after I put chapstick on was your favorite way to put it on." She was about to pull away when she noticed her eyelids flutter "Liv? Olivia?" Alex felt excitement building but she knew not to get her hopes up. She had grown used to the light movements and twitches over the last few days. When she realized that's all it was she pulled her chair close and sat down. She picked up a book she'd been reading and took Olivia's hand as she began reading aloud.

Alex wasn't aware she'd fallen asleep when she felt movement against her hand. She turned her head and saw Olivia's hand moving slightly in her own. She sat up quickly and leaned over "Olivia? Olivia baby, wake up." Alex was sure she stopped breathing when Olivia's eyes opened slightly before closing again. "Come on baby, you can do it. Wake up for me." This time Olivia's eyes opened all the way and Alex began crying at the sight of the eyes she loved so much. "I love you." she was about to lean in but Olivia seemed panicked. She grabbed Alex's hand that was on her cheek. She was trying to open her mouth to say something but nothing came out. Alex held her hand "It's okay Liv. I'm right here. You're okay, calm down." she pressed the call button and asked for a doctor. She could tell Olivia was whispering something. She leaned in close "What did you say?"

"What hap-" she rasped.

"You're in the hospital. You were in an accident. The doctor's on her way just relax."

"Who?"

"I'm sorry?"

Olivia swallowed "Who you?"

Alex felt her heart sink, Olivia didn't know who she was. "It's me, Alex, you're wife. Remember?" Olivia blinked a few times "Olivia my name is Alex. Alexandra Cabot-Benson. We're married, remember we got married on Cape Cod. We have a daughter named Macey." Alex cried more the longer she explained. She took a deep breath "Olivia please squeeze my hand if you remember me." she was about to lose it when she felt Olivia squeeze her hand. "Oh thank God!" Alex whispered.

"I hear someone's awake." Lt. Carol said as she entered the room. She walked over and stood next to the bed "Sgt. Benson I'm Lt. Carol, I'm the physician who's been treating you." Olivia attempted to sit up but the other woman placed a hand on her shoulder "Sergeant it's important that you remain still."

Alex noticed that Olivia had a near death grip on her hand "Liv baby its okay. The doctor is going to explain everything." Alex, not caring who was watching at the moment, leaned in and placed a kiss to Olivia's forehead "You're okay." Alex was so happy that Olivia was awake, however the next words out of the brunette's mouth caused her blood to turn cold.

"Alex? I can't see you, I can't see anything. Why can't I see?"


End file.
